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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - Ghosts (S02E02)

"-I'm a once-in-a-generation artist. -Oh."
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"Who just got verified on Twitter, about, what, nine days ago?"
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"I'm glad you feel good that a robot told you you're worth it."
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"* Hi, I'm Dave *"
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"(odd creaking sound)"
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"(sound repeats)"
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"What the..."
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"Who the hell gave you permission"
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"to monkey around with my precious volumes?"
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"I have no idea what you're talking about."
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"NANDOR: What has he done now?"
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"He's been monkeying around with my precious volumes."
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"-No, I haven't been monkey-- I haven't touched your books. -Oh, really?"
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"Well, explain this."
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"Shit, he's taken it up a notch."
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"That's worse than before."
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"Guillermo, why would you do such a thing?"
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"I didn't do it. I-I haven't even been in this room."
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"I wasn't even here."
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"LASZLO: Well, you're in there now."
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"-NADJA: What's going on? -LASZLO: It's Gizmo."
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"He's been causing havoc in the household."
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"Ooh."
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"Look. Look."
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""Laszlo sucks," backwards."
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"LASZLO: Laszlo doesn't suck."
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"And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards."
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"GUILLERMO: I didn't write it."
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"NADJA: Hmm."
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"We've got ghosts."
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"-Bullshit. -(Nadja groans)"
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"(Laszlo grunts)"
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"("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)"
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"* Don't sing if you want to live long *"
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"* They have no use for your song *"
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"* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *"
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"* You're dead and out of this world *"
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"* Now your hope and compassion is gone *"
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"* You sold out your dream to the world *"
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"* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *"
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"* You're dead and out of this world. *"
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"A ghost is the spirit of a person who has died,"
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"but still has unfinished business"
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"on this mortal plane."
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"There's no such thing as ghosts."
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"Okay, here we go again."
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"My wife comes from the kind of town"
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"that believes in all this kind of superstitious nonsense."
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"She also thinks goblins are real."
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"Personally, I'm a man of science."
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"All right, then, Dr. Arsehole, how does your science"
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"-explain what we just saw? -Now, you see,"
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"it can be one of two things."
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"One, a mercurical zephyr."
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"Two, it's a farrago of gasses,"
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"possibly from a peat bog."
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"Now, if you capture these and add them together,"
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"-using yellow bile from a plague victim... -(hisses)"
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"...you've got what looks like a ghost."
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"-But it's science. -Ooh! (blows raspberry)"
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"NANDOR: Ghosts are"
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"the stuff of fairy tales."
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"Stories we tell children to frighten out"
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"their excess energy so that they might"
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"-slumber more peacefully. -GUILLERMO: Huh."
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"Did you say something?"
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"I'm sorry, vampires are real, but ghosts are not?"
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"He's heard too many fairy stories from Nadja."
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"No, I actually just want to make sure"
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"we're on the same page."
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"You know, after years of working for you,"
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"a known vampire, I have seen"
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"-werewolves, necromancers... -(growling)"
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"...a zombie and several Babadooks,"
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"but a ghost, that's where we draw the line."
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"Several? You saw one Bababook."
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"-Several Ba-- -Don't exaggerate."
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"Do I believe in ghosts? Uh, no."
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"Color me skeptical."
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"Um, though, maybe it's ghosts that are always stealing"
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"that one sock from the dryer. (laughs)"
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"I've been experimenting with, uh, humor"
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"to drain energy."
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"Which reminds me, does anyone here"
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"have any updog?"
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"Updog?"
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"If I didn't know what updog was,"
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"I would at least ask-ask me. (chuckles)"
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"Hey, everybody, look at my enormous crystal balls."
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"Maybe these ghosts will bring with them some updog."
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"Guillermo, did you get my joke about my enormous balls?"
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"-I did, Master. -NADJA: Silence!"
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"The time is nigh."
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"Everybody join hands."
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"COLIN: Sorry if my hands are a little oily."
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"It's from my rash cream."
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"NADJA: Troubled spirits, draw ye near."
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"Uncloak yourselves and reveal to us your forms"
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"on this terrestrial plane."
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"I beseech you, using the ancient words."
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"'Eye' tis ka lay"
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"ksenikon e patroion, e pakouston e foraton e keye,"
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"kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'"
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"apokatharet-eye."
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"(vocalizing)"
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"Mm..."
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"(loud creaking)"
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"(creaking moan echoes)"
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"-Guillermo, did you make a fart? -No."
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"I think someone summoned a breakfast burrito."
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"Silence!"
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"A spirit is struggling to be heard."
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"Is it maybe a spirit who's struggling with IBS?"
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"(laughter)"
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"You have ruined the energy of the séance"
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"with your toilet potty poo-poo-mouth humor!"
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"And a price will be paid. You fools!"
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"Nadja, we were only joking."
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"Idiots."
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"(sighs)"
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