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Clips from M*A*S*H - Dear Dad (S01E01)

"and, uh, figure ”B,”"
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"uh, the, uh, woman..."
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"is the most sublime expression of romantic love."
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"However, only in the institution of marriage..."
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"is it recommended that this expression take place."
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"What happens in the event that figure ”A” is attracted to figure ” B”..."
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"but figure ”A” is already married to, say, figure ”,"C"
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"and figure "5 " is engaged to figure "D" .7"
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"Uh—huh. Well, according to the army, he‘s got to forget her."
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"— That figures. — Okay, moving right along now,"
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"Ho w it really happens."
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"How it all really happens is, uh,"
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"really, uh, one of nature‘s really cute things, really."
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"that these two married charts——"
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"it is necessary that they, uh——"
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"uh—— that they, uh——"
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"— They what, sir? — that they, uh——"
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"— Dismissed. — [Cheering]"
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"Bravo! Bravo! Encore!"
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"Hey! Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, ladies and gentlemen!"
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"[ Man On RA. ] The follo wing men have volunteered.."
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"for this afternoon ’5 ten—mile physical fitness hike."
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"[Hawkeye] To bring you up to date on my copilot Trapper——"
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"As / wrote you earlier, he ’5 de veloped a thriving"
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"very lucrative private practice on the side over here."
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"On a good day, he collects about 50 or 60 smiles——"
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"the kind you never forget."
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"That didn‘t hurt, did it? [Chuckles]"
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"H ey."
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"[Laughs]"
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"— [Speaking Korean] — [Hawkeye] Whenever the locals want help,"
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"invariably it’s "Trapper" /ohn Mc/ntyre they turn to."
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"Whatever it is, it‘s urgent."
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"— Okay, okay. You take care ofthe kids. I‘ll be back. — Okay."
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"Last week he performed a service that really set him up with the to wnies."
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"— [ Ko rea n ] — He helped with a difficult delivery..."
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"that added one more precious life to the village——"
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"for which service the doctor received one gallon of mother’s milk."
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"[Lowing]"
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"Father Mulcah y is stringing popcorn all over the place..."
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"He ’5 a terrific guy, our priest."
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"But / never tell him, ’cause / don’t want to foul up his humility"
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"lcan tell you this—— / don’t envy him this parish."
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"At least / didn’t last Wednesday"
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"— Pierce. — Yes, ma‘am."
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"I‘m here to relieve you."
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"— You do resemble an enema. — You‘re beat, Captain."
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"| suggest you hit the sack this afternoon instead ofchasing nurses."
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"Well, whateveryou do, I want to see you shaved the next time | see you."
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"—| shaved this morning. —We|l, shave again,"
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"— and this time take one step closer to the razor. — Aha. Very good."
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"Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know."
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"J; [ Scatting]"
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"—Klinger. -Sir?"
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"—We|l, take it off. —Oh, sir——"
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"— I want that bandana. — I‘ll have my ma send you one."
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"Soldier, you‘re out ofuniform."
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"A nurse said? You‘re placing me under a nurse?"
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"— You said it, I didn‘t. —Stop!"
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"— [Crashing] — You see what you did?"
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"Hey, hey!"
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"Goget him!"
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"— Klinger !]ust before Chri—— Oof! —Aagh!"
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"— What, are you crazy? — Go on, scram. Scram! Get out of here!"
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"Let me take care ofit. Please ?"
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"— I‘m not even Catholic. — Would you like to be?"
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".;‘[ "Good King Wencheslaus"]"
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"—I gotta see the major. — Is that a grenade?"
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"I thought I‘d stick it in the major‘s ear and find out."
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"Give it to me."
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"He broke the bottles. The nurse wanted them in the lab."
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"|can‘t take this off! Something‘ll happen to me!"
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"— Klinger—— — Stop."
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"He‘s tired. We‘re all tired."
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"You tired too?"
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"|can‘t get to sleep..."
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"unless I count sacrificial sheep."
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"Give me the grenade. Please ?"
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"Can I keep my bandana?"
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"I guarantee it."
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"It‘s from my ma,you know. She said, ” Never take it off.”"
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"— No reason whyyou should. None at all. — Heh!"
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"— Sorry, guess |just—— — Corporal Klinger, I understand——"
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"[ Man] Attention all personnel."
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"be sure to state your age and sex at the time ofyour last birthday."
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"never a complaint, and they really work their lovely bottoms off."
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"Being so far from home at Christmas is kind ofrough on them."
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"/ ’ve certainly done my share to keep up their morale, but l’ve only got two hands."
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"One lady in our outfit who has no problem at all with her spare time..."
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"is our chief nurse, "Hot Lips " Houlihan."
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"The major is a paradox."
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"but / don’t knowhow to do that and salute her at the same time."
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"As l’ve written you, Frank Burns and Hot Lips have been an item over here..."
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"eversince they both laid their beady little eyes on each other."
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"who doesn’t know about their romance is General MacArthur’s pipe stuffer."
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"Ah, going out tonight, Frank?"
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"Just to stretch my legs."
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"[Groans] What‘s that ?"
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"— It‘s French. — Oh. No wonderyou smell like a snail."
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"Ha ha."
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"[ Ha wke ye Thinking] What neither Frank nor Hot Lips knows..."
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"We spent a few minutes getting the place ready for their date that night."
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"It turned into some enchanted evening"
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"[Blows]"
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"Three guesses."
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"— General MacArthur? — [Giggles]"
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"— Ah... Dr. Schwietzer? — Right! All three times."
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"— Frank. — Margaret!"
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"[Moaning]"
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"— Frank, don‘t make any marks. — Uh—uh!"
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"[Laughing] Frank, we‘ve got hours."
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"To go, Frank. Hours to go."
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"Gee, it all looks so nice."
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"Oh!"
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"Did you, uh, hear the rumor that peace talks might be starting?"
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"[Moaning]"
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"Oh, Frank, the candle! We may be throwing shadows."
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"Frank?"
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"Oh, why can‘t people leave us alone?"
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"Yeah, you‘d think they were all my wife!"
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