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Clips from 30 Rock - The Fighting Irish (S01E01)

"I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers,"
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"I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet."
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"What... What was the question again?"
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"So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?"
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"- Can I help you? - Yes, sweetheart."
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"Eddie Donahy, Jack's brother."
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"Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Dona-gee,""
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"not "Dona-hee.""
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"Tracy, this is Jack's brother Eddie."
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"Look who I found."
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"as I live and breathe."
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"Stop! Someone's gonna get hurt!"
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"Look, this is about Dad."
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"What'd you two dirtbags do now? Fix the Cotton Bowl?"
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"- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm OK."
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"I haven't seen my dad in 17 years."
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"And now this watch."
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"- I'm sorry. - Don't be."
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"That's how it's pronounced. Say it!"
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"Hola, Julio."
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"I'm glad to help you on your spiritual quest, Mr Jordan."
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"No, we're the Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity."
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"We haven't been Presbyterian for months."
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"Judgment is upon us all!"
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"What? He pointed right at me!"
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"He sure did!"
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"No!"
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"The fires of the pit crackle and pop!"
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"- Hi, I got you coffee. - Thanks."
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"- Good morning, Liz! - What's all this?"
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"What? No."
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"And even if I had, I'm just being normal."
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"Hey, Liz. You want to hang out tonight?"
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"'Cause you're totally my role model."
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"There's my beautiful boss. Good morning."
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"Ah, there you go."
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"Congratulations. You found me out."
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"- What happened, Eddie? - What do you care? I'm happy here."
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"Gordon, so help me..."
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"Seeing Dad at the end, it... It changed me, Jack."
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"I'd like my brother back."
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"juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy."
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"Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket."
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"Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal."
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"- I stole your identity. - I threw you out of a window."
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"- I convinced you you had Lupus. - I microwaved your parakeet."
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"You're on my good list, Kerry."
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"Hey, sorry about that."
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"Not super-appropriate... in the workplace."
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"No, it's... it's only inappropriate when it's ugly people."
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"and it's kind of tough to stay broken up with someone you have to see every day."
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"Where does she work, your Liz?"
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"She works for you."
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"You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom 10%."
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"Jack has given me absolute power."
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"OK, you can't just do this."
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"Step one... befriend the enemy and gather information."
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"Diapers, mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours... blammo!"
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"this is wrong."
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"Jack is out of my hair, people are being nice to me,"
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"there's a guy I like in the building,"
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"Thank you very much, Kenneth."
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"If you want to give money to someone, give it to the nurses who took care of Dad"
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"at Chicago All Saints Hospital."
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"So Dad missed seeing Meredith Viera. Now I'm pissed!"
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"That's why your mom left. Yeah."
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"We're Irish. We're a forgiving people."
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"I'm so glad you asked."
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"- My friend Madonna... - Hey, Jack's brother, what religion are you?"
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"Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the Church lately,"
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"But what's great is you can do anything... anything."
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"played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers?"
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"Excuse me, Liz?"
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"Oh, yeah. I'm so glad to see you and Jack getting along."
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"Absolutely. We'll give money, right?"
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""If I could come back and do any broad,"
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"it would be that one right there.""
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"And so Pop says, "Well, what does it look like I'm doing right now'?""
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"So they ended up landing in Dallas for six hours, and it was on the news!"
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"This is Kenneth. Kenneth, this is my family."
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"That's Patrick. This is Patricia."
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"This is Katherine Catherine and her husband, Bobby."
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"- We just found out about her today. - Oh, welcome."
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"He was always ready with a joke or rum balls in his pockets for the kids."
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"How the hell are you?"
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"So, I'm doing these quick performance reviews."
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"Some people say I'm too nice."
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"- It's a great company for working moms. - What?"
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"God, I missed you guys."
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"It's too bad it took Dad dying to get us all together again."
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"He was always bringing people together."
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"This is Margaret."
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"Oh, boy, she's really got Mom's smile, doesn't she?"
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"- Don't say that about my daddy! - Oh, Patricia, you're embarrassing yourself."
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"Yeah, well, you don't say that about my father!"
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"Get your hand out of my face!"
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"What do you say..."
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"Why don't we all head downstairs right now,"
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"No, no, you're not. You're fired!"
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"- Did you just fire Pete? - Yes."
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"Miss Lemon, the accounting department"
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"And the people who tell me if I'm making more money are called accountants."
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"- And if I don't have any accountants... - No, Jack, you would be proud of me."
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"It's all part of a plan. It just got out of control."
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"Things were really lining up for old Liz Lemon."
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"And this Other Liz, this accountant girl,"
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"was just getting in the way of my... happiness."
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"Lemon, is this about a boy?"
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"Who is he? What's his name?"
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"Lemon, you've gone chicken killer on me over a guy whose name you don't know?"
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"And you still think our next president should be a woman?"
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"He just seems like a really cool guy."
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"And I think he likes me more than her."
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"That's... very sad."
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"I'm gonna go talk to some food about this."
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"Oh, Liz, did you put your cheque in already?"
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"What do I make it out to? Chicago All Saints Hospital?"
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"C-A-S-H."
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"Son?"
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"Your brother Eddie's dead. He wanted you to have his watch."
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