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Clips from 30 Rock - Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy (S07E07)

"Tracy is actually trying to fight back."
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"He ruined a wonderful evening at the Philharmonic,"
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"paying them to play the same song over and over again for hours."
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"I can't remember... I can't remember what it was,"
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"but the point is the man is totally irrational."
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"You know what? Tracy's right. You two are a lot alike."
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"I beg your pardon?"
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"You're both stubborn. You're rich."
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"You think you're right all the time."
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"You want to prove that you're not like Tracy? Let it go."
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"Or crush him and prove you both wrong."
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"Get two Byrds with one Stone."
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"Like when I used Mick Jagger to lure Roger McGuinn"
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"and David Crosby to my birthday party!"
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"Listen to yourself! You sound exactly like Tracy!"
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"Just the person I wanted to see!"
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"Oh, hi, Kenneth."
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"Oh, no, Ma'am. I don't think I should talk to you anymore about her."
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"You only have bad things to say, and Hazel is my girlfriend."
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"Kenneth, this sounds insane, but I care about you as a friend."
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"I take in 50 calories a day,"
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"and I'm using them all up just trying to help you."
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"Then, just be happy that I'm happy."
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"You're happy because of Hazel?"
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"Look, I'll tell you what she gives me, Ms. Maroney. She listens to me."
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"and she actually wants to hear about it."
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"Can you give me that, Ms. Maroney?"
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"I don't know."
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"Ah, Tracy, thank you for coming."
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"I prefer to lie down."
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"These are my lawyers."
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"One is German. One is Japanese."
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"And you don't bring these guys together to play patty-cake."
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"This is war."
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"Bad news, Jack. War is my favorite card game."
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"And I win about half the time."
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"Here's the rub, Tracy."
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"Because you were reckless enough"
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"to name your businessman villain Jack Donaghy,"
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"I can sue you for libel."
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"Not the ones I've swallowed."
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"We'll see about that."
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"Everything Jack Donaghy does in a movie,"
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"Really? When did you see me do something like this?"
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"You're a menace, Aunt Phatso!"
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"But now that I'm on the City Council,"
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"I'm cancelling your urban youth program!"
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"Oh, Lord!"
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"What? You did cancel a program for urban youth."
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"It was my Saturday morning kids' show,"
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"Uncle Tracy's Black Teletubbies Rip-off."
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"I cancelled it because, like you,"
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"it was overly sexual and impossible to understand."
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"Grabalujah!"
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"But what about this assault on my good name?"
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"Not so fast, you crone!"
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"I bought all the wheelchair ramps in this city."
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"And I'm turning them into more profitable stairs."
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"When have I ever verbally accosted an old woman in a wheelchair?"
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"Liz Lemon. Twenty minutes ago."
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"Das ist vat she said!"
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"And I have never shut down an orphanage."
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"You're right. I put that in just to have a part in there"
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"for a little girl in my movie."
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"I'm Willow Smith-ing my daughter. Her album drops next week."
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"Blankie!"
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"That is libel, Tracy. I win."
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"Tell me about your day. lam listening."
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"Well, Ms. Maroney, this morning, I was --"
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"You're doing amazing."
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"For Halloween, you should go as a slutty ear."
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"What do you want to do now? Sing?"
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"Yeah, let's!"
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"♪ Jenna's blonde as a sunrise ♪"
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"♪ Hot as the sun ♪"
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"♪ Bright as the shining sun ♪"
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"But with that being said,"
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"how do you know when you both feel the same way?"
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"I mean, sometimes I think --"
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"Ooh! Uh-oh, somebody needs to be changed!"
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"Need anything else, boss man?"
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"I guess just bring in the wheelchair"
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"so you can roll me down to the floor for the show."
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"What? No, Liz! You had surgery this morning!"
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"Sure, but I have to be there."
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"Oh, I would slap you if I didn't think it would lead to a kiss."
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"This is about priorities."
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"What if those feet were real babies? Would you walk on them to work?"
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"What kind of mother are you, you beautiful monster?"
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"and it did not go well."
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"Josh! Help me!"
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"You're not gonna miss the show."
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"You're gonna watch it on the feed, baby girl. Idiot!"
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"I'll be next to Pete the whole time."
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"I guess that could work."
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"Let me be your eyes on set."
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"Although I can never match that amazing color."
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"Criss calls it Old-Timey Football."
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"Five minutes to air! Five minutes!"
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"Wow. This is really working."
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"Oh, brother. That's me!"
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"Son of a --!"
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"Duh! Now, for my act, I'm gonna need a tarp."
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"Because the first three rows will get wet."
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"It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!"
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"And two minutes to air! Two minutes!"
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"I'm sorry, babies."
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"Wassername!"
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"Huh? Where am I? Oh, Pete roofied me!"
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"Seriously, Hornberger? You were gonna put her on the air?"
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"P-Dog. Let's use Hazel in the cold open."
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"That's you!"
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"You're fired."
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"Oh!"
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"Did you just fire my girlfriend?"
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"She's crazy, Kenneth!"
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"Tell them what I told you."
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"Oh, God, what do I do? Help me, me!"
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"This one's on you, bitch!"
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"Were you not listening?"
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