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Clips from The Goldbergs - Crazy Calls (S04E04)

"ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, the most terrifying place in existence"
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"for any freshman was the high-school cafeteria."
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"The table you chose defined how you were labeled"
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"and where you ranked in the social hierarchy."
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"I don't see any seats together. What should we do?"
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"Every man for himself."
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"If anyone asks, I'm a skate rat now."
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"Ooh. Classic Dave Kim."
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"- Figuring out where to sit, eh? - Yeah."
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"Ah, that's a sad dance that I know all too well."
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"But lucky for you, I'm a guidance counselor,"
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"and I can guide you to lunchroom success."
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"Um, maybe I could sit with the preppies?"
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"Come on, man. You want to walk around in boat shoes with no socks?"
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"You want to invite that kind of fungus in your life?"
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"Okay. How about the band geeks?"
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"Do you even play an instrument? No, you don't."
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"So what makes you think they're gonna just welcome you"
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"into their unique and beautiful fold?"
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"Uh, maybe the goth kids?"
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"The goths? They would eat you alive."
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"Seriously, I heard they eat cats and stuff."
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"Come on. I gotta sit somewhere. Time's running out."
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"Agreed. And you're starting to look real desperate,"
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"and standing next to me is not helping you."
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"- Please, just go! - Mmm, okay."
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"ADULT ADAM: I was officially tableless."
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"If I didn't find a place to sit, I'd be a social pariah forever."
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"Hey, Goldberg, come sit with us."
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"Just then the sportos beckon me to"
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"sit at the coolest table in the cafeteria."
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"It was either a miracle or a huge mistake."
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"Grab a chair, little man."
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"And the plate of waffle fries is for sharing."
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"No offense to myself, but I think you got the wrong guy."
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"No way."
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"We all think it's awesome that you're super into movies, robots, He-Man."
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"Oh, so you're also a He-head?"
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"That's the name I've given to die-hard He-Man fans."
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"That's cool."
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"It's also cool that, like, the top of your head smells so good."
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"Odd observation from that distance, but I do condition every day."
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"- It shows, bro. - Nice."
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"Such luster."
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"Ah, balls. She got to you."
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"No, man. We like you for you."
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"God, my own mom has to find me a table?"
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"That's where my life is?"
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"She gave us free waffle fries. You get it."
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"She also yelled at us and said that in time, we'd come to love you."
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"Mom, I don't want to hear any more!"
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"- Adam. - Mom, you ruined my life!"
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"Schmoo, you just seemed so helpless without a place to sit."
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"It's my job, as your mama, to help."
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"Help? That's the whole problem."
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"If you're gonna sub at my school,"
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"you have to start respecting my boundaries. Understand?"
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"Boundaries. Totally get it."
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"- Do you? - Boundaries."
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"'Cause nothing up to this point has led me to believe you do."
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"I get boundaries, Adam."
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"You don't want me to intervene or talk to you while you're at school."
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"Good."
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"Until I see you struggle, and then I come in strong and hard."
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"- Nope. Lost it. - Okay, okay."
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"We'll limit our interactions to hallway snuggies..."
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"- Mom! ...and brief Eskimo kisses."
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"Mom."
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"Grr. Fine. I'll leave your little kitten nose alone."
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"- Thank you. - But at home, all bets are off."
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"No!"
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"I'm twisted up inside"
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"But nonetheless I feel the need to say"
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"I don't know the future"
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"But the past keeps getting clearer every day"
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"ADULT ADAM: It was October 12th, 1980-something,"
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"and my dad was coming home to a familiar frustration."
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"Did anyone call while I was out?"
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"Yeah. I wrote it down on the pad."
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"Flurt Burtman? Who the hell's Flurt Burtman?"
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"I don't know. He was talking all fast, 'cause it was important."
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"- Anyway, call him back. - Call who back?"
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"If it's important, I need to know the actual name."
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"I don't know. I'm not invested, because it wasn't for me."
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"What the hell's this message? "PP"?"
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"Barry wrote that."
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"My guess is he either drank too much Mr. Pibb or Pop Pop called?"
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"Wait. My dad called?"
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"He never uses the phone."
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"He always thinks the Cubans are listening."
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"Oh, he calls all the time."
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"He just says, "Tell the moron I'll call him back.""
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"Oh, so this is me giving you those dozens of messages."
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"You know what? This madness stops now."
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"ADULT ADAM: My dad's solution..."
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"The answering machine."
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"Before voicemail, this bulky thing"
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"was the best technology the '80s had to offer."
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"Problem solved."
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"Holy crap. You got us an answering machine?"
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"Erica, come quick!"
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"Dad did something that doesn't suck!"
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"Oh, my God! An answering machine?"
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"Stop, you morons. It's not for you."
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"It's so I can finally get my messages."
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"I'm doing the outgoing message."
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"No way. I've been planning for this my whole life."
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"(AS MR. T) I don't want no jibber-jabber, foo'. Wait for the beep."
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"Stay in school, and leave a message."
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"- This is Mr. T, by the way. - Get out of here."
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"(AS TONY MONTANA) Say hello to my little message."
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"This is Scarface, by the way. Cocaine."
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"I'm leaving the message."
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"There's a simple one right here in the instruction book."
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"- No. It can't be you. - No. Don't read the suggested script."
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"That's the worst option of all."
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"Hello. You've reached the answering machine"
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"of the Goldberg residence."
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"We either are unavailable or unable"
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"to get to the phone at the moment,"
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