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Clips from The Goldbergs - I Heart Video Dating (S04E04)

"ADULT ADAM: Long before online dating,"
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"single people bared their souls on videotape,"
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"and this is what it actually looked like."
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"Hi. I'm Maurice."
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"I'm an executive by day and a wild man by night."
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"I'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo"
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"if you're not afraid to let the wind"
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"mess your hair up a little bit when I take the top down."
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"ADULT ADAM: And video dating had finally hit the suburbs of Philly."
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"Excuse me, ladies."
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"How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?"
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"- Ew! - You're really old."
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"Ouch. (CHUCKLES)"
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"But, no, I'm talking about the romantic wave of the future,"
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"video dating."
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"It's a real business."
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"Using our advanced VHS technology"
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"and a one-time fee of $399,"
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"followed by lifetime monthly fees of only $19.99,"
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"anyone can now find love."
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"So, which of you lonely hearts is looking for Mr. Right?"
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"- (SCOFFS) - Well, I'm not, but... (CLEARS THROAT)"
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"I am not a sad-sack loser."
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"I choose to be alone, and it's the best."
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"It is the best, isn't it? (CHUCKLES)"
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"Well, that's too bad because for a limited time,"
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"anyone that joins the VD community"
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"gets a free tote bag for just $12.99."
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"I am not carrying around a bag that says, "I heart VD.""
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"My God."
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"Wait, I have the perfect customer for you, my dad."
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"He's totally ready to get back out there."
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"Hell, no!"
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"Why would I ever do video dating? I'm living the dream."
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"It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in your robe."
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"So? A robe is just a long jacket made of towel."
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"Lots of people wear these."
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"Not to other people's homes."
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"In this house, we keep it loose."
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"Dad, it's been four years since Mom left."
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"Isn't it time you got set up with someone?"
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"Set up? Did somebody say "set up"? Who am I setting up?"
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"No, stop. We don't need your help."
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"Bill's gonna do video dating."
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"Video dating? (LAUGHS)"
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"(ROBOTIC VOICE) Beep, boop, bop, zorp."
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"Beep, boop, bop. I will find you love."
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"Sorry, but, uh, your way of matchmaking is a thing of the past."
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"(NORMAL VOICE) Please. I am literally responsible"
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"for setting up over 200 couples,"
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"which means I'm personally responsible"
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"for over 62,000 babies."
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"Yeah, that's not real math."
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"Bill, would you rather put your heart"
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"in the hands of a proven love champion"
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"or risk everything with someone whose romantic record is a little spotty?"
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"Honestly, I'd rather not do either."
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"Hey, my record is not spotty."
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"And I'm, like, the best ever at love."
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"Yeah, not so much."
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"And when you think about it, you've only had one boyfriend,"
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"and that was two years ago."
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"Right, Dante. What a character."
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"His name wasn't Dante."
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"He had that small hand."
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"Who are you thinking of? And I'm alone by choice."
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"Ha! Please."
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"You only liked Geoff after he wanted nothing to do with you."
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"Oh, yeah? Well, I'll show you friggin' jerkuses"
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"how friggin' great I am at friggin' love"
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"when your dad's walking down the friggin' aisle."
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"See, you don't even know that men don't walk down the aisle!"
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"Gah! Bill, get out of your bath clothes!"
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"- I'm finding you love again. - Okay."
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"Oh, my bad!"
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"(GRUNTS) I'll get... Ow! My back!"
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"Don't worry, pal. I gotcha."
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"No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah!"
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"Hyah! Hoo-hyah!"
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"Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel."
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"Oh, it's traveling! It's moving south!"
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"Good luck, Schmoops."
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"Get the small boy. Have the small boy stand on me."
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"I'm twisted up inside"
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"But nonetheless I feel the need to say"
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"I don't know the future"
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"But the past keeps getting clearer every day"
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"ADULT ADAM: It was September 28, 1980-something,"
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"the day of the career aptitude test."
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"Done! Now all I got to do is sit back"
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"and let this test decide my entire future."
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"Got any predictions?"
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"Lt'll either make me an NFL punter, motorcycle detective, or land pirate."
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"Bookkeeper? I don't want to be a librarian!"
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"Bookkeeper's not a librarian, you moron."
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"It's more like an accountant."
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"Why didn't I get an awesome job like boat owner"
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"or rap mogul or neighborhood oracle?"
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"- What the hell's an oracle? - A guy who sees the future."
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"I can see your future."
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"You're mowing lawns for the city."
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"Never! I will be a rich neighborhood oracle,"
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"and nothing you say can stop me."
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"- Ow! - Couldn't predict that, could you?"
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"ADULT ADAM: As Barry was having trouble seeing the future,"
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"Erica was trying to find Bill his future wife."
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"Trust me, Mr. Lewis, your romantic future starts now."
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"And to my doubters, you can go on down to Sears"
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"and buy a vacuum so you can suck it."
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"Yes, Bill, there's no better place to find love"
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"than next to Lady Foot Locker."
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"Put her there, Bill. John Calabasas, love doctor."
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"No medical degree."
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"I'm legally required to say that now."
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"Bill, I want to show you something."
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"This is a videotape of one of our biggest success stories,"
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"and this could be you."
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"Why, hello, there. The name's Big Al."
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"And like a fine wine, I just keep getting better with age."
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"My God. That's why he's been out every night this month."
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