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Clips from Weeds - Su-Su-Sucio (S05E05)

"-Who's the father? -It's complicated."
Weeds
"-Well, it always is with you. -You know what?"
Weeds
"If you're not gonna help me, then fuck off."
Weeds
"Is he the father?"
Weeds
"-Sure. -You really will sleep with anything."
Weeds
"-Look who's talking. -We have electrical tape, right?"
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"-Jill. What are you doing here? -Asshole."
Weeds
"Come on. Is it so out of character?"
Weeds
"Let's get out of here. Do you live near here?"
Weeds
"-Upstairs. -Really?"
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"Okay. Let's go upstairs."
Weeds
"Okay, everything seems to be in order here."
Weeds
"Social security numbers."
Weeds
"Wait, wait. Where it says:"
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""State fully the exact nature of business for which a license is required.""
Weeds
"You only wrote in "retail.""
Weeds
"Sorry about that."
Weeds
"Oh, yeah. Yeah."
Weeds
"-There you go. -Thank you."
Weeds
"-Pot luck? -Club. Pot club."
Weeds
"A pot club."
Weeds
"No. No. Not a pot club."
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"It's a medical marijuana dispensary."
Weeds
"Oh, my."
Weeds
"-It's gonna be huge. -Well...."
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"-I'll be right back. -Okay."
Weeds
"What an uptight bitch. It's totally legal."
Weeds
"I'm starting to feel like this was a bad idea."
Weeds
"Think she's got food in her drawers? I am starving."
Weeds
"Who's she talking to?"
Weeds
"Jackpot."
Weeds
"Sour Punch Bites."
Weeds
"We should leave."
Weeds
"Look, I am very high and I'm not paranoid."
Weeds
"So you being not high should be even more not paranoid."
Weeds
"Unless you are high. Are you high?"
Weeds
"You're right. What we're doing here is perfectly legal."
Weeds
"-Perfectly. -I've got nothing to be afraid of."
Weeds
"Nothing."
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"Except maybe that guy."
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"I'm afraid we can't approve your application..."
Weeds
"...without the signed consent of a local law enforcement official."
Weeds
"Law enforcement? Oh, great."
Weeds
"-Sour Punch Bite? -Oh, no, thank you."
Weeds
"I have some of my own."
Weeds
"Okay, wait, wait. Let me think."
Weeds
"Oh, yes, I have a good one."
Weeds
"-I don't think I like this game. -Keep going."
Weeds
"I'll bet your mother never told you..."
Weeds
"...about the time she dated her math teacher in junior high."
Weeds
"-Gross. -That's total bullshit."
Weeds
"Bet she was a real heartbreaker in junior high."
Weeds
"Body fully developed. Precocious. Sophisticated."
Weeds
"-Bored with all the other kids her age. -Not really."
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"Flat. Cliquey. B average. First, more wine."
Weeds
"-This whole not-drinking thing sucks. -More for us."
Weeds
"Anyway..."
Weeds
"...his name was Mr. Schiff..."
Weeds
"...and he threatened to stab himself in the heart with a geometry compass..."
Weeds
"...when she dumped him."
Weeds
"That is so fucked up."
Weeds
"First of all, he was delusional."
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"Second of all, I rejected all of his advances."
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"Third of all, I was getting all A's in his class."
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"He finally got fired, divorced his wife..."
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"...and camped out on our lawn until Daddy had him taken away."
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"He used to send you notes from the loony bin."
Weeds
"-Why is this your favorite story? -Because it's awesome."
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"Why don't you ask your Aunt Jill about the time that she missed the bus..."
Weeds
"...and was late for class."
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"Thrilling tale. Screwed up her whole sense of right and wrong."
Weeds
"You know, just once, admit that you had sex with Mr. Schiff."
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"Admit that you had a crush on him and you were bitter."
Weeds
"He was more attracted to me than you."
Weeds
"You are still just a raging narcissist."
Weeds
"I don't know why we're arguing. I was 13. The man was a pedophile."
Weeds
"Ladies, please. This is Shabbas dinner."
Weeds
"I'll be upstairs throwing up."
Weeds
"I don't mean to be judgey, but where'd she meet that guy, Home Depot?"
Weeds
"So am I hearing this right?"
Weeds
"Next to Molly's Pet Depot, where I got my first dog, Scraggles..."
Weeds
"...across from The Surfside Pancake Hut, you guys wanna sell drugs?"
Weeds
"-Exactly. -For medical purposes only."
Weeds
"Strictly compassionate care."
Weeds
"Boys, this is a wholesome town. I grew up here."
Weeds
"Lived my whole life here."
Weeds
"I even plan on being buried here."
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"So I'm gonna want my cut."
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"-Cut? -Fixed monthly payment..."
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"...or a percentage of the sales. Your choice."
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"Can we have a second? We're new to this extortion thing."
Weeds
"Take your time. I'm gonna help old Miss Spencer cross the street."
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"-What do we do? -When I was on city council..."
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"...I gave the owner of a gay bar the same choice."
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"Wanted to open up a place called The White Swallow."
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"He chose the percentage. Sucky choice."
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"Turned out the only fruits in Agrestic, besides my son, grow on trees."
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"Lot more stoners here in Ren Mar, but I'll cook the shit out of the books."
Weeds
"Great."
Weeds
"So..."
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"...you two pick a poison?"
Weeds
"-Monthly payment. -Sweet."
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"No, no. Wait, wait. I said the percentage."
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"You said the percentage sucked."
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"Yeah, for me. But in that story, I was him, not us."
Weeds
"See-- Okay."
Weeds
"Now I'm confused."
Weeds
"-Can I start over? -Hey, sorry, fellas. No backsies."
Weeds
"Monthly payment it is."
Weeds
"Now, bus over that application."
Weeds
"Yeah."
Weeds
"Stoked."
Weeds
"We were playing him."
Weeds
"It wasn't-- It was-- I took the percentage in the story..."
Weeds
"...but that was not me. Understand what I'm saying?"
Weeds
"Okay. Enough."
Weeds
"I know your calling card is this whole rugged unwashed thing."
Weeds
"I can't take it anymore. You're gonna have a shower."
Weeds
"Comprendo this."
Weeds
"No. Come on, come on, come on."
Weeds
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