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Clips from Avenue 5 - Are You a Spider, Matt? (S01E01)

"All right, our wonderful date continues."
Avenue 5
"Hey. Nice job schmoozing, Captain Schmooze."
Avenue 5
"What the hell was that? What are we gonna do?"
Avenue 5
"FRANK: I know they're just turds, honey."
Avenue 5
"-Please help me. -All right, baby. Okay."
Avenue 5
"You're overheating. Just-- Let's go somewhere,"
Avenue 5
"and we'll take your shirt off."
Avenue 5
"Hey, I see some familiar feces in the audience tonight."
Avenue 5
"BILLIE: Oh! You're improvising crap jokes."
Avenue 5
"That's very funny, I guess."
Avenue 5
"Thank you, but you've been a shit audience."
Avenue 5
"Okay, that was just the same joke."
Avenue 5
"Captain. Captain, I think I got it."
Avenue 5
"Look at them."
Avenue 5
"They have so much hope on their faces."
Avenue 5
"(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, to be a happy cretin."
Avenue 5
"We should throw Matt out of the airlock"
Avenue 5
"for making people panic that they're gonna be thrown out of the airlock."
Avenue 5
"I think that she's implying that we dump these vagrants"
Avenue 5
"out of the airlock. Right, Iris?"
Avenue 5
"-No, I'm not implying that. -Well, I'll gladly lend a hand."
Avenue 5
"Takes me back to my property days."
Avenue 5
"Clearing squats... with a cricket bat."
Avenue 5
"We shoot stuff out of the back, and that pushes us forward"
Avenue 5
"to break free from the shit ring."
Avenue 5
"BILLIE: Correct. Plus, with the weight loss,"
Avenue 5
"we can dock in six months."
Avenue 5
"I could hug you, but neither one of us wants that."
Avenue 5
"(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey! Listen. Can I have your attention?"
Avenue 5
"AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Shuttle launch in five minutes and counting."
Avenue 5
"ALAN: Rav, it's not safe outside."
Avenue 5
"RAV: I walk where I please. I can walk on you if I want."
Avenue 5
"My friends. I confess to you now that I see it."
Avenue 5
"I see the importance of faith."
Avenue 5
"(CHEERING)"
Avenue 5
"-Faith in science. -MATT: Amen."
Avenue 5
"Science does not need faith. It just is."
Avenue 5
"-ALAN: Rav! -RAV: Not now!"
Avenue 5
"Also, a couple of protesters have breached the perimeter,"
Avenue 5
"so security would like to escort you to a safe place."
Avenue 5
"Alan, I'm not going anywhere until I've launched the shuttle!"
Avenue 5
"-Rav? -Alan, I'm sorry!"
Avenue 5
"Newton's..."
Avenue 5
"-Third Law... -MATT: Mm-hmm!"
Avenue 5
"...states, and I quote,"
Avenue 5
"that if you throw stuff outta the back of the ship,"
Avenue 5
"it pushes you forward."
Avenue 5
"Ravioli, where you going?"
Avenue 5
"Alan, I'm going to bring Judd back myself."
Avenue 5
"-AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: Access authorized. -(LIFT POWERS UP)"
Avenue 5
"I'm getting on that shuttle. Goodbye!"
Avenue 5
"Don't do this! You'll miss your birthday!"
Avenue 5
"There's been talk about ejecting 500 people from the ship."
Avenue 5
"That is the talk of Satan."
Avenue 5
"Lord, cast him out! But not of the airlock!"
Avenue 5
"We eject the equivalent weight of 500 people,"
Avenue 5
"and we jettison that weight, pushing us forward"
Avenue 5
"within striking distance of Earth"
Avenue 5
"within six months!"
Avenue 5
"(ALL CHEERING)"
Avenue 5
"-Six months! -Hallelujah!"
Avenue 5
"-Amen! -MATT: Amen!"
Avenue 5
"A-fucking-men!"
Avenue 5
"-You're back in the black book! -Thank you, Harrison."
Avenue 5
"-(JUDD LAUGHS) -Get fucked!"
Avenue 5
"Out of the way, poor people."
Avenue 5
"Hey! Hello, Mr. Schmooze."
Avenue 5
"-(RYAN SCOFFS) -And I'm saying that now unironically."
Avenue 5
"So, non-essential items to the hallway for jettisoning."
Avenue 5
"You can follow my lead. I overpacked. Come on."
Avenue 5
"-(ALL CLAMORING) -MATT: Ask yourself: "Do I really need"
Avenue 5
"more than one pair of pants?""
Avenue 5
"Well done, Captain."
Avenue 5
"Thank you. Yep, I think it's..."
Avenue 5
"(ENGLISH ACCENT) probably time for a drink."
Avenue 5
"No time! We don't have time!"
Avenue 5
"That's not enough time to learn how to dock the ship!"
Avenue 5
"Even I couldn't learn it in six months,"
Avenue 5
"and I'm so much smarter than you."
Avenue 5
"-That is not enough time to learn how to dock a ship-- -That's not enough time!"
Avenue 5
"-Six months? -No!"
Avenue 5
"-What am I thinking? -No! Oh my god!"
Avenue 5
"I need years!"
Avenue 5
"Hey. What's the matter? Why are you acting like"
Avenue 5
"a little foster child with a secret?"
Avenue 5
"Okay, the Captain now has only got six months to learn how to dock the ship."
Avenue 5
"-That is not enough time. -What?!"
Avenue 5
"It took me longer than that to learn how to poach an egg."
Avenue 5
"BILLIE: Well, let's just hope"
Avenue 5
"that you are really, really good with deadlines."
Avenue 5
"The only thing I hear there is "dead.""
Avenue 5
"You know what? I take back what I said to you before."
Avenue 5
"You're not Captain Schmooze."
Avenue 5
"You're more like Captain Booze."
Avenue 5
"♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪"
Avenue 5
"-IRIS: It's getting better. -Thank you."
Avenue 5
"IRIS: Really good."
Avenue 5
"-AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Seven... six... five... four... -What's in the seat?!"
Avenue 5
"-Uh, food flavorings. -Right. Won't be needing those."
Avenue 5
"-(METAL CLATTERS) -AUTOMATED VOICE: ...two... one."
Avenue 5
"-Go, go, go, go, go, go! -AUTOMATED VOICE: Launch."
Avenue 5
"-(ENGINES ROAR) -(SCREAMS)"
Avenue 5
"♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪"
Avenue 5