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Clips from The Goldbergs - 12 Tapes for a Penny (S03E03)

"As much as I would love to commit mail fraud with you,"
The Goldbergs
"Mom's really been on my back lately."
The Goldbergs
"Aw, come on. Commit a felony with me."
The Goldbergs
"It'll be a good bonding experience,"
The Goldbergs
"or at the very least a cautionary tale."
The Goldbergs
"Whoa. Your little brother's hardcore."
The Goldbergs
"Yeah, a hardcore nerd."
The Goldbergs
"Not anymore, Erica."
The Goldbergs
"Face it, now I'm a certified badass."
The Goldbergs
"Schmoopie. Muppet Babies is on."
The Goldbergs
"Yippee!"
The Goldbergs
"¶ I'm twisted up inside"
The Goldbergs
"¶ But nonetheless I feel the need to say"
The Goldbergs
"¶ I don't know the future"
The Goldbergs
"¶ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ¶"
The Goldbergs
"It was March 16, 1980-something,"
The Goldbergs
"and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey."
The Goldbergs
"One problem, he had to get by her dad first."
The Goldbergs
"Lainey!"
The Goldbergs
"The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here."
The Goldbergs
"Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary."
The Goldbergs
"Anniversaries are for years, not months,"
The Goldbergs
"so you're celebrating nothing."
The Goldbergs
"Let me see your wallet."
The Goldbergs
"Here, take it."
The Goldbergs
"$6?"
The Goldbergs
"Where do you plan to take her tonight?"
The Goldbergs
"A vending machine at a bus station?"
The Goldbergs
"Oh, it's fine. She usually pays."
The Goldbergs
"(CHUCKLES) LAINEY: Hey, Bar."
The Goldbergs
"(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)"
The Goldbergs
"Nope! Absolutely not! (MUSIC STOPS)"
The Goldbergs
"Shutting it down. (CLEARS THROAT)"
The Goldbergs
"(CHUCKLES)"
The Goldbergs
"If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you."
The Goldbergs
"Okay, kids, have a great time."
The Goldbergs
"Even though Barry had won the love of his life,"
The Goldbergs
"it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad."
The Goldbergs
"(SIGHS) Yet."
The Goldbergs
"Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?"
The Goldbergs
"Amen to that, brother!"
The Goldbergs
"Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods,"
The Goldbergs
"foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water,"
The Goldbergs
"golden problem solver, beer."
The Goldbergs
"Move over, rover."
The Goldbergs
"Are you telling me you drink? No!"
The Goldbergs
"You just said you love cold suds."
The Goldbergs
"So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?"
The Goldbergs
"He's a moron. I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur."
The Goldbergs
"You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?"
The Goldbergs
"Mmm-mmm."
The Goldbergs
"Why? I'm probably being a little paranoid,"
The Goldbergs
"but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts."
The Goldbergs
"(WHOOPING) He sure does!"
The Goldbergs
"I don't get it."
The Goldbergs
"Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine."
The Goldbergs
"Your mom's a nice lady,"
The Goldbergs
"but she's done some real damage to you."
The Goldbergs
"I need Bill to be my friend."
The Goldbergs
"He's like a father to Lainey."
The Goldbergs
"You're the boyfriend."
The Goldbergs
"No dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter."
The Goldbergs
"So it's not personal."
The Goldbergs
"Yes!"
The Goldbergs
"Top shelf."
The Goldbergs
"Yeah, throw this away. No."
The Goldbergs
"I'll time you. Okay, got to beat my record."
The Goldbergs
"While Barry was happily distracted,"
The Goldbergs
"I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever."
The Goldbergs
"Dude, what are you doing?"
The Goldbergs
"I've had a revelation."
The Goldbergs
"Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes,"
The Goldbergs
"when you can create infinite fake names"
The Goldbergs
"and get all the tapes?"
The Goldbergs
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
The Goldbergs
"I've thought of everything, Erica."
The Goldbergs
"See, Columbia House has agents everywhere"
The Goldbergs
"looking to collect their money."
The Goldbergs
"But I'll be one step ahead of them with this."
The Goldbergs
"Each of my phony identities"
The Goldbergs
"has elaborately fleshed-out backstories"
The Goldbergs
"that I've completely committed to memory."
The Goldbergs
"Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude?"
The Goldbergs
"Whose first name is Optimus?"
The Goldbergs
"This guy."
The Goldbergs
"He's a 41-year-old truck driver"
The Goldbergs
"who spends his long nights on the road"
The Goldbergs
"jamming to the soft-rock stylings of Chicago."
The Goldbergs
"Ugh, why?"
The Goldbergs
"Because I'm playing God, Erica."
The Goldbergs
"Meet Dr. Garth Vader Stein."
The Goldbergs
"He's got asthma and issues with his son."
The Goldbergs
"He's also got an insane love of Hall & Oates."
The Goldbergs
"Well, we all have hobbies."
The Goldbergs
"Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43."
The Goldbergs
"He's a divorced veterinarian."
The Goldbergs
"The only thing he loves more than animals?"
The Goldbergs
"Billy Joel."
The Goldbergs
"I think maybe you should pump the brakes"
The Goldbergs
"on your life of crime."
The Goldbergs
"I think you should beat it, narc."
The Goldbergs
"(DOORBELL RINGS) (GASPS) Yay, tapes."
The Goldbergs
"ADULT ADAM: For mere pennies, I had enough soft rock"
The Goldbergs
"for two lifetimes."
The Goldbergs
"Wow."
The Goldbergs
"That's a whole lot of music cassettes."
The Goldbergs
"How did you get the money for all that?"
The Goldbergs
"Do you want to ask questions?"
The Goldbergs
"Or do you want a little Neil Diamond?"
The Goldbergs
"I saw nothing."
The Goldbergs
"Good answer. As I was in way over my head,"
The Goldbergs
"Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill."
The Goldbergs
"(LAUGHS)"
The Goldbergs
"There he is."
The Goldbergs
"It's happening."
The Goldbergs
"He's changed his mind about me."
The Goldbergs
"Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun."
The Goldbergs
"Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?"
The Goldbergs
"'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me."
The Goldbergs
"Ah, women. Who can understand them?"
The Goldbergs
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