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Clips from Weeds - Van Nuys (S05E05)

"Not smart enough for academics, not talented enough for sports."
Weeds
"My point:"
Weeds
"You two don't strike me as a particularly serious duo."
Weeds
"Oh, we are serious, bro."
Weeds
"Serious as ass cancer. Serious as Nagasaki."
Weeds
"Serious as a Sean Penn movie."
Weeds
"Look, we've got a solid business plan, a community itching for illegal product..."
Weeds
"...and your buddy C.P., he's got our backs."
Weeds
"C.P.'s retarded. The only reason I used to hang out with him..."
Weeds
"...is because his stepmom had Jell-O Pops..."
Weeds
"...and his little sister let me finger-bang her."
Weeds
"Fucking loved Pudding Pops."
Weeds
"Why don't they make those anymore? Know what I mean?"
Weeds
"I stock everything in your dispensary."
Weeds
"-And I mean everything. -Great. Perfect."
Weeds
"-We're in. -Okay."
Weeds
"Let's do the paperwork."
Weeds
"So we'll start with the small-market contracts..."
Weeds
"-...adding the $75 delivery fee-- -Whoa, there."
Weeds
"-Delivery fee? -We have to pay our drivers."
Weeds
"-You have to pay your drivers. -Doug."
Weeds
"Let me negotiate. This is what I do."
Weeds
"No deal, Wizard."
Weeds
"Fuck you and your bullshit charges in the butt."
Weeds
"-It's a standard fee. -Okay, here's my counteroffer:"
Weeds
"Eat my balls."
Weeds
"Sorry, Wizard. Shut up."
Weeds
"Silas, if you can't take the stress of tough negotiations--"
Weeds
"Did you hit "save" first? That's a very unstable operating system."
Weeds
"-We're done here. -Oh, please."
Weeds
"You say you validate?"
Weeds
"Dead Mexican!"
Weeds
"Dead Mexican. Dead Mexican."
Weeds
"Dead Mexican."
Weeds
"Dead Mexican!"
Weeds
"Hey, it's me. Still--"
Weeds
"Still weighing the whole moving-in thing. But guess who I ran into."
Weeds
"Our old friend Sucio."
Weeds
"He's looking a little stiff."
Weeds
"So if you could send someone to pick him up soon...."
Weeds
"He's hanging out in the garage."
Weeds
"Okay, bye."
Weeds
"Keep him company."
Weeds
"I didn't realize we were going full period with this thing."
Weeds
"I would've worn my Loverboy headband."
Weeds
"I look ridiculous."
Weeds
"-I knew it, but my guild encouraged me. -No, Mags. You look--"
Weeds
"-Your guild? -Online Gaming World."
Weeds
"I'm a mage. Believe it or not, I'm actually pretty outgoing and popular there."
Weeds
"-Popular in the game as a mage. -Oh, yeah."
Weeds
"My spell-hit ratio's, like, off the charts."
Weeds
"Oh, you think I'm pathetic. I'm dressed like Molly Ringwald."
Weeds
"I'm sorry. I have this fierce imagination. I always have."
Weeds
"No, it's admirable, actually."
Weeds
"I can't remember the last time I imagined anything."
Weeds
"That is so sad."
Weeds
"So..."
Weeds
"...fondue."
Weeds
"-This is where we went on our date. -Totally exciting."
Weeds
"I happen to love dipping things into other things."
Weeds
"The fun is that you get to cook the meat yourself."
Weeds
"That's what Judah said. What you said."
Weeds
"What I s-- Yes. What I said. Me, Judah."
Weeds
"You cook it yourself."
Weeds
"Yeah."
Weeds
"So, what made you finally ask me out?"
Weeds
"I mean, you're such a studmuffin."
Weeds
"I guess, when I saw you at the--"
Weeds
"At the food court. I worked at Hot Dog on a Stick."
Weeds
"The way that you handled the batter."
Weeds
"I saw you, and I figured, "I'm just here for the summer..."
Weeds
"...and life is short, and people are such phonies.""
Weeds
"Like J.D. Salinger said."
Weeds
"-Oh, my God, you always quoted that. -That's right."
Weeds
"-Yeah. -Judah read that book every summer."
Weeds
"Phonies. Goddamn phonies."
Weeds
"But you're not a phony, Mags."
Weeds
"You're real."
Weeds
"And I'm real. Me, Judah."
Weeds
"So let's be real together."
Weeds
"I want you to take my virginity."
Weeds
"What the hell is that? Hi, Isabelle."
Weeds
"It's a theremin. It's one of the earliest electronic instruments."
Weeds
"Super. What's it doing in my house?"
Weeds
"-We found it. By a dumpster. -You don't have to lie to her."
Weeds
"I was selling Silas' leftover cheese pot..."
Weeds
"...and my shit-ball teacher jacked my stash."
Weeds
"So I jacked him back."
Weeds
"Ignacio helped us."
Weeds
"-You helped Shane rob his teacher? -You're welcome."
Weeds
"I can't live like this anymore. What have I allowed in my house?"
Weeds
"Shane was a good kid. Now he's robbing his teacher."
Weeds
"I am so sorry that I exposed him to the world of criminal activities..."
Weeds
"...for the first time."
Weeds
"Hey, Silas. Come here. Look at this."
Weeds
"A self-portrait from my blue-balls period."
Weeds
"Ever get tired of being a complete joke?"
Weeds
"What? I'm delightful. People love me."
Weeds
"Not to be in business with you, they don't."
Weeds
"-Hey, I was a well-respected C.P.A. -Notice the use of the past tense?"
Weeds
"You hurtful, toothy little shit."
Weeds
"-Teethy. -Man-boobs."
Weeds
"No, you don't make up the names. That's my thing, Goldilocks."
Weeds
"No, I can do better. Mormon-face."
Weeds
"Gigantor. Embezzler. Girlfriend-deporter."
Weeds
"Stop it, deaf-girl fucker. Deaf-fucker."
Weeds
"-Bad dad. Abandoner. -Orphan. Father-killer."
Weeds
"I'm sorry, Doug."
Weeds
"No, I'm sorry."
Weeds
"I just say things."
Weeds
"Sometimes-- Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth."
Weeds
"And you didn't kill your father."
Weeds
"Shane did."
Weeds
"I'll...."
Weeds
"-So I-- -Yeah."
Weeds
"-Yeah. Okay. -Yeah."
Weeds
"The body is where?"
Weeds
"So, what are you gonna do exactly?"
Weeds
"Is that acid?"
Weeds
"Do you have to cut him up into little pieces before?"
Weeds
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