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Clips from The Good Place - ...Someone Like Me as a Member (S01E01)

"Well..."
The Good Place
"I need some help negotiating. I don't even know what to offer."
The Good Place
"I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn?"
The Good Place
"A unicorn bib, yes! No, no, uh, unicorn holders,"
The Good Place
"you know, like, like corn holders, but for unicorns?"
The Good Place
"Perhaps, it'd be better"
The Good Place
"if we just move away from the unicorn thing altogether."
The Good Place
"No, you're right, you're right."
The Good Place
"The Bad Place Crew, they're all terrible bullies,"
The Good Place
"Bad Janet?"
The Good Place
"What?"
The Good Place
"Oh, um, that's a good question."
The Good Place
"It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink."
The Good Place
"What is even the purpose"
The Good Place
"of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?"
The Good Place
"Unclear, but the... The point is"
The Good Place
"I could use some backup, Tahani."
The Good Place
"Oh, Michael, of course."
The Good Place
"Why don't you just bring them all here?"
The Good Place
"Surely, this magnificent house will placate them."
The Good Place
"Oh, perfect, perfect. I'll be right back."
The Good Place
"Well, here's... Your house."
The Good Place
"It's beautiful, I love Icelandic primitive design."
The Good Place
"I kind of wish it had a clown nook, oh!"
The Good Place
"There it is."
The Good Place
"Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard to get up"
The Good Place
"on this dumb ledge though, it's like--"
The Good Place
"You have got to be forking kidding me."
The Good Place
"Hey, Fake Eleanor, we used this same clown painting"
The Good Place
"to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there."
The Good Place
"Wait, what was your house like?"
The Good Place
"Every day was basically one endless baby shower"
The Good Place
"for a woman I didn't know."
The Good Place
"But also, somehow, I had to organize it."
The Good Place
"And, if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock."
The Good Place
"Yep, that was my pitch."
The Good Place
"And, then at night, it was pretty classic torture."
The Good Place
"Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv,"
The Good Place
"and there was always jazz music playing."
The Good Place
"Ugh, I hate jazz."
The Good Place
"Every jazz song is, like, 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it."
The Good Place
"You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John."
The Good Place
"Famously a piano player."
The Good Place
"I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly get some water"
The Good Place
"and whatever food"
The Good Place
"doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?"
The Good Place
"Oh, of course, so sorry. Let's get some dinner."
The Good Place
"Yeah, we'll all go. Perfect double date."
The Good Place
"Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon."
The Good Place
"Let's hit it."
The Good Place
"Eeh!"
The Good Place
"and then we're going to subtly segue into negotiation."
The Good Place
"They're sure to be in a good mood. Everything is absolutely beautiful."
The Good Place
"Yeah, this food, uh, blows."
The Good Place
"Yo, Good Janet."
The Good Place
"Hi, there."
The Good Place
"Sure, quick question, what is a "jalapeño"?"
The Good Place
"Also, what is a "poppers"? Also, what is "jalapeño poppers"?"
The Good Place
"Oops! Sorry, guys. See, in the confusion,"
The Good Place
"Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded"
The Good Place
"all of the info she usually knows."
The Good Place
"That's hilarious."
The Good Place
"She's almost as stupid as people."
The Good Place
"I'm Michael, I love idiot humans!"
The Good Place
"I got to admit, that does sound like me."
The Good Place
""I got to admit, that does sound like me.""
The Good Place
"Go get me a drink."
The Good Place
"Yes, of course."
The Good Place
"Ah, man, this is gonna make a primo dump later on."
The Good Place
"Oh, it's Tom Yum Goong soup. It reminds me of when I was in Thailand"
The Good Place
"rescuing victims of human trafficking."
The Good Place
"Oh, that sounds so good. I mean, the soup, not the..."
The Good Place
"Human trafficking."
The Good Place
"Oh, and I think your grilled eggplant looks so good."
The Good Place
"Should we..."
The Good Place
"I can't believe you thought you could pretend to be Real Eleanor."
The Good Place
"She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a... Wet pile of mulch."
The Good Place
"Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves"
The Good Place
"and, like, dead slugs, and that's you."
The Good Place
"Whatever, it's easy when you're just born perfect."
The Good Place
"My parents were both dirt bags who split up when I was eight."
The Good Place
"I don't mean to eavesdrop,"
The Good Place
"but did you say your parents got a divorce?"
The Good Place
"Yeah, and that kind of thing really changes a person."
The Good Place
"I mean, that trauma... It can explain away"
The Good Place
"Oh, of course."
The Good Place
"Your parents are still together, I guess."
The Good Place
"Oh, actually, I'm not sure. I never met my birth parents."
The Good Place
"They put me in an empty fish tank"
The Good Place
"and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh."
The Good Place
"Luckily, I was found"
The Good Place
"and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrops..."
The Good Place
"Oh, thank God."
The Good Place
"- Bird flu. - That's awful."
The Good Place
"Anyway, orphanage burned down, yadda, yadda, yadda."
The Good Place
"Learned English from watching Seinfeld,"
The Good Place
"put myself through law school, and here I am."
The Good Place
"Huh. And, I'm sorry, what..."
The Good Place
"The same thing that happens to half of all kids in America?"
The Good Place
"It's just amazing."
The Good Place
"Am I right, Fake Eleanor?"
The Good Place
"Please, stop calling me that."
The Good Place
"Oh, you got it, third wheel."
The Good Place
"Yeah, that wine's no good. I'm sending it back."
The Good Place
"Hey, Janet."
The Good Place
"You look sad."
The Good Place
"You know, it doesn't matter if you know things."
The Good Place
"because I'm an informational delivery system,"
The Good Place
"and I don't have a heart, but thanks."
The Good Place
"Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions,"
The Good Place
"- Sure. - What are jalapeño poppers?"
The Good Place
"Oh, I know this one!"
The Good Place
"Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese."
The Good Place
"One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville,"
The Good Place
"but the nice one, not the one above the gas station,"
The Good Place
"I ate 50 of them in two minutes."
The Good Place
"Everyone at the hospital was so impressed."
The Good Place
"Got it. Thanks, Jianyu."
The Good Place
"You're welcome."
The Good Place
"Why did you do that?"
The Good Place
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