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Clips from Archer - Deadly Prep (S07E07)

"Um, dammit. Um..."
Archer
"Ah, no, it's gone. Okay stay hard! What?"
Archer
"Because she's two, Lana!"
Archer
"what pre-pre-school she goes to?"
Archer
"Because if A.J. gets into pre-pre at Country Day,"
Archer
"she's set through eighth grade."
Archer
"at any prep school in L.A.!"
Archer
"Are we not even considering public school?"
Archer
"Public school."
Archer
"Might as well leave her by a dumpster at the county fair"
Archer
"We're not. Because Country Day"
Archer
"gets a thousand applicants for ten spaces in pre-pre."
Archer
"And A.J. is going to get one of those spaces,"
Archer
"Archer? Swirling Archer?"
Archer
"What're you doing here? Checking out the toilets?"
Archer
"No, I'm-- I mean I'm, I'm, I'm--"
Archer
"Wow, still got that stammer, huh?"
Archer
"I-- Hello, Richard Stratton the fourth,"
Archer
"Malory Archer."
Archer
"I absolutely cannot."
Archer
"Really? Hi, Lana Kane. Hello."
Archer
"No, I'm on the board."
Archer
"And, Archer, you're in L.A.? What's your line?"
Archer
"No, seriously."
Archer
"And who might this person be?"
Archer
"We're here for a placement interview."
Archer
"Ours. As in mine and Archer's."
Archer
"Yeah I'm not the maid or the nanny."
Archer
"Gosh, the times we live in, huh?"
Archer
"So hey, private investigator."
Archer
"I might actually be able to use you."
Archer
"we're taking on new clients right now, so--"
Archer
"This is your daughter's future, you dickhead!"
Archer
"and A.J. is going to school here"
Archer
"Well?"
Archer
"Outstanding."
Archer
"My office, two o'clock. Yep."
Archer
"No!"
Archer
"Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer."
Archer
"Boop. Sorry, had to take that."
Archer
"Mr. Stratton, I have Mr. Archer."
Archer
"Holy shit... I know, right?"
Archer
"Consider it crushed."
Archer
"Have a seat. Yep."
Archer
"Ah, Swirling Archer. Remember?"
Archer
"How we always used to call you Swirling?"
Archer
"Yep. We were just merciless."
Archer
"But I was a pussycat compared to Whitney. Yup."
Archer
"Yep. You remember Trent Whitney, right?"
Archer
"Yep, he was, uh, actually worse."
Archer
"He's the Whitney in Stratton-Whitney."
Archer
"Oh."
Archer
"I was biathlon, obviously."
Archer
"Probably could've made the Olympic team,"
Archer
"but whatever, lame."
Archer
"Pneumonia. From what?"
Archer
"from one of those hilarious swirlies. Hm?"
Archer
"Yeah, my freshman year, you two were seniors."
Archer
"No! No! No! No!"
Archer
"and I started screaming, because I look down"
Archer
"turns out I aspirated water in my lungs."
Archer
"Well, and presumably urine."
Archer
"Why would you think that?"
Archer
"to describe something, what are they--"
Archer
"Wh-- Exactly, so--"
Archer
"That's why I was so confused."
Archer
"I'm not sure I'm following you."
Archer
"every minute of which, the doctors tell me,"
Archer
"Yeah, and honestly I am too scared to face that."
Archer
"What about good old pills and vodka?"
Archer
"Life insurance won't pay out on a suicide,"
Archer
"You can, though. Please, I'm begging you,"
Archer
"Can't you go to Switzerland, or--"
Archer
"No, no, but you can."
Archer
"You can open a Swiss account"
Archer
"with the $100,000 I'm going to pay you."
Archer
"I-- Ivy, I'm not a hit man, I'm a--"
Archer
"I guess, what, mulatto bastard?"
Archer
"I think technically she's an octoroon bastard,"
Archer
"but our whole parenting philosophy is sort of, uh,"
Archer
"Home invasion. You break into my house,"
Archer
"I assume you have access to a firearm?"
Archer
"I do, yeah-- But you can't shoot me in the face."
Archer
"Or the belly. Or in the legs."
Archer
"That's painless, instantaneous."
Archer
"After a brief stint as a drug dealer."
Archer
"Okay, let's do this."
Archer
"Tonight. Why wait? I'll be home alone,"
Archer
"and it's the maid's night off."
Archer
"Oh, no. Just a bedroom safe,"
Archer
"The when I don't want to know."
Archer
"Alrighty then, see ya at like, 10:00?"
Archer
"Get out!"
Archer
"fragmentation round."
Archer
"***"
Archer
"No, Jethro Dull, it's for a case."
Archer
"Calm down, Cyril. It's just a, um, corporate security evaluation."
Archer
"No, I can't. Okay? Tonight I have to bake a huge batch of hamentashen"
Archer
"and take them over to that headmaster."
Archer
"That sounds like a really bad idea."
Archer
"Since when do you get a free pass around here just for having a vagina?"
Archer
"And also, what is it good for?"
Archer
"The free pass for havin' a vag. Duh."
Archer
"at local businesses and theme parks?"
Archer
"Yeah, probably why she's such a bitch."
Archer
"bang his model wife on a mattress stuffed with doubloons."
Archer
"Not tomorrow, buddy. Then all they're gonna see is,"
Archer
"and whatever the coroner drives, probably a van..."
Archer
"Plus you're the world's biggest dick."
Archer
"But none spring to mind. Okay then."
Archer
"What if he didn't open the safe?"
Archer
"Where even is the safe? Dammit..."
Archer
"What the--"
Archer
"You think I won't kill you?"
Archer
"Swirling?"
Archer
"I have no pinky toe! You asshole!"
Archer
"Hey! I'm not the asshole here! Whitney!"
Archer
"Nine, you-- Oh, yeah. Yeah."
Archer
"So, since you're the only person on the planet"
Archer
"why did he hire me to do that?"
Archer
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