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Clips from Archer - Deadly Prep (S07E07)

"Then she's basically guaranteed a slot"
Archer
"Yeah, but why prep school?"
Archer
"she could have a teeny little stripper pole, and--"
Archer
"Dude, it's me! Ivy!"
Archer
"Yeah, I, uh --"
Archer
"Hmm. Sterling never mentioned a sister."
Archer
"So, Mr. Stratton, are you a teacher here, or..."
Archer
"Wow."
Archer
"Oh."
Archer
"What is this "no new clients" bullshit?"
Archer
"Yeah, but-- Yeah, but shut up!"
Archer
"So you are gonna take his case, and you are gonna solve it,"
Archer
"Yeah, okay, sure, glad to help."
Archer
"Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
Archer
"Mr. Archer? Mr. Stratton will see you now."
Archer
"Thank you, Cerise."
Archer
"Please, have a seat. Oh, okay, thanks, uh..."
Archer
"Hedge fund. Mm."
Archer
"No. Just three. Are you sure?"
Archer
"I am, yeah. Freshman year I didn't make varsity"
Archer
"because that winter I was in the hospital for five weeks."
Archer
"With what, AIDS?"
Archer
"Complications from AIDS?"
Archer
"maybe twenty pounds on me, and you cornered me"
Archer
"And then you got me upside down, over the toilet,"
Archer
"So I'm screaming, and you're both laughing,"
Archer
"and then Whitney looks down at me"
Archer
"with these crazy eyes, and he screams at me--"
Archer
"But long story short, I didn't make varsity that spring"
Archer
"because I was getting over pneumonia,"
Archer
"I thought he was hinting at it!"
Archer
"No blacks or Jews."
Archer
"I'm dying. Liver cancer, stage four."
Archer
"I've got maybe three months left,"
Archer
"I'll spend writhing in agony."
Archer
"Jesus, Ivy. Yeah."
Archer
"and I'm not going to cheat my wife out of ten million dollars."
Archer
"No, I guess they-- but I can't, um--"
Archer
"don't make me go through that."
Archer
"A father, a father who'd like"
Archer
"post-label?"
Archer
"Yeah, good luck with that. Yeah, so how do you wanna die?"
Archer
"I startle you, you shoot me."
Archer
"Why would I shoot you in the legs?"
Archer
"We could do two in the back of the head:"
Archer
"Have you... killed people before?"
Archer
"Oh, before becoming an unlicensed private investigator."
Archer
"Tonight. Wait, when? What?"
Archer
"which I will conveniently leave open,"
Archer
"and in which will be $100,000."
Archer
"Okay, so where and when?"
Archer
"Malibu, there's my address."
Archer
"Sorry, sorry. It won't be 10:00."
Archer
"♪ A knight who is armored with a savage tan ♪"
Archer
"Oh, hey, good, you got the ammo?"
Archer
"10 rounds, custom made, hand loaded."
Archer
"What case? What are you talking about? And why wasn't I informed?"
Archer
"Unless you want me to turn down... ten grand."
Archer
"It's a lotta money, Cyril, which I have to go earn for the agency now!"
Archer
"Wh-- Hey, don't forget to get a--"
Archer
"I bet Archer's charging them twice that."
Archer
"Wait, what, at his house? Yes."
Archer
"is ambiguous, poorly-worded burns."
Archer
"Yeah, right? Okay, so Ray."
Archer
"I want you to follow Archer tonight, and-- Oooh, can't."
Archer
"Her excuse was hamentashen, and you didn't even blink!"
Archer
"I assume we can expect discounts"
Archer
"Not you, Ms. Archer!"
Archer
"Although... Wh-- She's obviously got a vagina."
Archer
"Oh and your wife's car, since she's--"
Archer
"she's the one who's gonna find you."
Archer
"I'd be getting drunk too, in his shoes..."
Archer
"Feel like I should say a few words."
Archer
"Oh, God! Ow!"
Archer
"Oh, shut up. It's not that bad."
Archer
"I've been embezzling from the fund and also maybe sleeping with his wife?"
Archer
"For five years?"
Archer
"On some level, I think we both did."
Archer
"I spent freshman year in the hospital!"
Archer
"It puts the lotion in the basket!"
Archer
"What? What?"
Archer
"but the money's not in my house. It's, it's, it's--"
Archer
"Dude, check this out. What if I paid you 500, and you kill Ivy?"
Archer
"Ivy's a cuckold, betrayed by his wife and friend."
Archer
"You're a cuckolding thief, and between us, clearly an alcoholic."
Archer
"He's an alcoholic. He didn't know"
Archer
"and that is reward enough for me."
Archer
"It's obviously Ivy."
Archer
"C'mon, Swirling, where are you?"
Archer
"I bet I killed, like, 20 guys,"
Archer
"Holy shit! What?"
Archer
"Cyril, stop it! I mean it, hang up!"
Archer
"We're fine. Everything's great."
Archer
"I told you not to call her."
Archer
"No, uh, this does not look good."
Archer
"Wonder why she didn't pick up."
Archer
"I can explain."
Archer
"Okay. You wanna explain this?"
Archer
"Well, I'm a private investigator, so--"
Archer
"what appears to be a very crudely-drawn "vagina pass.""
Archer
"Mother took it away. What?"
Archer
"Shut up! And then you call Ray."
Archer
"Because I don't have a mobile carrier. Why not?"
Archer
"For three months? There are literally two companies!"
Archer
"A round must've clipped the gas line to the stove."
Archer
"Oh my God. Yeah, not great."
Archer
"No, nuh-uh! There's nothing between"
Archer
"the safe and the bullets!"
Archer
"Dammit! Should've gone to the owl thing."
Archer
"What the hell was in the safe?"
Archer
"So, do you have more bullets, or..."
Archer
"but I'm afraid I'll tear up,"
Archer
"and then not be able to see the road"
Archer
"Sterling Archer, man without fear, are running away from your bully."
Archer
"Imagine what it was like for a lonely, skinny 13-year-old kid"
Archer
"because your bullying days are over!"
Archer
"Oh, my God, how are you still alive?"
Archer
"and I'm not sure it's the best thing for her."
Archer
"So I really want us to think about A.J. going to public school."
Archer
"by loving and supportive parents."
Archer
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