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Clips from Two and a Half Men (2003) - Pilot (S01E01)

"In."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'll see $1 and raise it $5."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You raised $5 on that?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Queens full of nines."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah. And I also know what a psych-out is."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I love this boy."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"We'll make a list."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- I think he's got you, pal. - He's bluffing."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Take him down."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What the hell is going on here?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You said "hell. ""
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Throw $1 in the pot. - What?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hey, we all had to."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Whose deal is it? - Jake, go to bed!"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What is wrong with you? Are you insane?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Do you have any sense of right and wrong?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I obviously can't be trusted."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm just gonna keep asking, Alan."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Dinner was swell. We both had the veal piccata and she's gay!"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Most chicks won't eat veal."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Why do I even try talking to you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I don't need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Really? I wasn't useless when you needed a place to stay."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Are you sure?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Maybe we should make a list."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Uncle Charlie?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah, that'd keep me up."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"$80. The house gets a cut."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"He loves you more than anything in the world."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I guess."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I don't want to go to Grandma's. I'd rather stay here."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah. Okay."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I even played him Stairway to Heaven"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Do you ever think about having kids?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Whoa, we've got a good thing going. Can't we just leave it at that?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What are you doing? I thought we were gonna have sex."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hi, Monkey Man."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Rose, it's me, Monkey Man."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Charlie? - Yeah, listen, let me ask you a question."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Is there something inherently wrong with"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"asking a woman you're involved with if she wants kids?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you want to mess it up?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How good do you feel about yourself right now?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"On a scale of one to two."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, one?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What do you want, Charlie?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I figured you've been here a couple of weeks,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"you got to have blood in your stool by now."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back to my place for a while,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Thanks, but we're doing just fine here with Mom."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Come on. We can't let Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Alan, we've got to get him away from her. I mean, look what happened to us."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And what happened to you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hi, Mom."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, you're a grown man."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, get off the couch."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Grandma, I'm suffocating."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's got oats and corn and wheat It's the sweetest breakfast treat"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's maple maple maple-licious"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Your son is just adorable."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Thank you. - You and your"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You're right. Go wait in the car."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You are a bad, bad boy."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"No big deal, just wanted to touch base."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Twelve years, and she just throws me out."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I drive a Jag, I live at the beach,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"My mom brought me."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Will you take me swimming in the ocean?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Why is your head exploding?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Don't you think that's a little redundant?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You don't have any food."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I want Maple Loops."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, it's kind of personal. I mean..."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's maple maple ma..."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Alan, I really want to apologize for putting you through this."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And I think we're gonna look back on this as a new beginning for our marriage."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I hate this kid."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm out."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, how was dinner?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Dark and rainy."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"My dad says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"If it makes you feel any better, you won $80 on that last hand."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Don't sell your dad short."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Sex. Definitely sex."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"life partner must be so proud."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's for you, right?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"We better hurry."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Not sitting on your welcome mat."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah, well, your dad knows what's best for you."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and he still liked the Maple Loops song better."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I start crying in my car."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, could you and Jake..."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I've got to go."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Have we even stopped to consider that?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and in my heart."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"four and a half days ago, let me tell you that."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What's going on? Can't sleep?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Darling, I asked for a lemon wedge."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Sure. - Thanks."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You were concerned about him being around my brother,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You brought your own sheets?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"That's very considerate, but as soon as Judith and I work things out,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Now, do you want to talk about your nephew, or do you want to have sex?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and raise you $20."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Who let her in?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You're my son, and I'll always have room for you in my house"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I don't want to meet women. I'm still married."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Now when I want to see my grandson"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Okay, then. Good night. - No."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"That's his head exploding."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Your mom is my grandma. - Yep."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
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