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Clips from Two and a Half Men (2003) - Pilot (S01E01)

"Listen, you lousy S.O.B., I will not be treated like this."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Okay, it's a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, when you get a chance, I'd really love to... I don't know..."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, yeah, I guess you could stay here."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You know, "Till death do us part. " Who died? Not me. Not her."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Don't be ridiculous. Judith doesn't even like sex."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"But not a woman who doesn't like sex."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You two need to talk. I'll call you tomorrow."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Come on, you leaving isn't gonna bring them back together again."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"A couple of days max. She will come to her senses."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"That's okay. I brought my own."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Okay, then, good night. - No, wait."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I don't know."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What's going on with you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, Alan, there's not much to say."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Okay, then. Good night, Charlie. - Good night."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Boy, is your eye red."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What are you doing here, Jake?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, I drank a little too much wine last night."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and on the other side, what you do."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Okay, we'll have lunch. - It's not lunchtime."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"My mom and dad are splitting up."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah. It looks that way."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"She's gonna be spending the weekend with her sister in Vegas."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Is this gonna be a problem?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I guess not."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What are you smiling about?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- You drink milk? - Just with cereal."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Okay, cereal."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Your uncle Charlie wrote that. - No lie?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"not the Maple Loops song."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm Charlie's housekeeper."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Sure. Come on in."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Yeah, I can smell him."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Again?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You've got somebody who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm deeply disturbed?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Who came here in the middle of the night with his own sheets?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hey, pal, of the two of us,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And isn't that something to brag about?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Do you have any idea how hurtful it is"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"What divorce? What street?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How did you get in my house?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Do what?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"who, let's face it, was never very warm to me."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You and Jake will come live with me."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"No, no need to apologize."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You look great, by the way."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Must be all the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Jake's doing fine."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Kid, don't you know what a full house is?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Alan, I think I'm gay."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"All right."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"He always pulls his ear when he bluffs."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Call you."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Probably not. How was dinner?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Wow."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Come on, I'm just trying to get you to lighten up a little."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And you're useless in it!"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Obviously that was a mistake."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"$85."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I wish my dad was as cool as you."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You know that, don't you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How come you don't have any kids?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I don't know."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Uncle Charlie? - Yeah?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie. I love you."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You got to love a kid like that."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, I haven't seen you in two weeks."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You finally got the house back to yourself."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- Let me ask you something. - Yeah?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"How am I supposed to have sex while your biological clock is going off?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I was just thinking about you"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"and wondering why we hurt each other so much."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm not back living with Mom."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm simply staying here till Judith and I work things out."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- that'd be okay. - Wait a minute."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Well, truthfully, no."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I want Jake to come back and live with me,"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"but I figure you're a package deal."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"There's no ongoing basis. He's only here on weekends."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"That's too much."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Perhaps it's time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Uncle Charlie."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"There's my good boy."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Sound familiar?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You're right, this madness must end."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Here, I got you your own key."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"You're not waiting in the car."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Trust me, this is a great way to meet women."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Come on, your wife's out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"- So, what do you think? - Wow."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"It's for both of us. Don't go away."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I love you, Monkey Man."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Who was that?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?"
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"I'm on some weird list."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"And yet, you're always the one getting spanked."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Jeez."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Charlie, it's Alan. Your brother."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"My wife threw me out, and I'm kind of losing the will to live."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"Alan, I'm sorry to hear about that."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
"So, where you gonna go, to a hotel? Wow."
Two and a Half Men (2003)
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