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Clips from Family Guy - Brian Does Hollywood (S03E03)

"Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script."
Family Guy
"- They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? - 100 grand. Pretty good, huh?"
Family Guy
"You know he actually called the main character John Everyman? Come on."
Family Guy
"Well, good for him."
Family Guy
"I don't usually gush, so forgive me, but when I was writing Coastguard... Oh, I'm a writer."
Family Guy
"When I was writing Coastguard, I couldn't think of anyone other than..."
Family Guy
"- There's a woodpecker on your head. - Yeah, he comes and goes."
Family Guy
"- Do you remember what he looked like? - Yeah. He had a scar on his arm"
Family Guy
"and he had a big, stupid, doo-doo head."
Family Guy
"A big, stupid, doo-doo head!"
Family Guy
"Next auditions in New York and Quahog, Rhode Island."
Family Guy
"- Maybe Stewie could get on that show. - You must be shrooming."
Family Guy
"Yeah! We can get a free trip to LA and see Brian."
Family Guy
"Jeez, I haven't been to California since I lived with my other family."
Family Guy
"Guys, I just got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house!"
Family Guy
"You guys can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me."
Family Guy
"Talk! I know you've been plotting to foil my plans of world domination."
Family Guy
"Yes, you like this, don't you?"
Family Guy
"Oh, God. Look at me having sex with a pig. I've become my father."
Family Guy
"You gotta look cute to audition for national TV."
Family Guy
"National TV, you say? Coast to coast?"
Family Guy
"That could be the ideal place to unleash my hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public."
Family Guy
"I always loved this little sailor suit. Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater."
Family Guy
"Or you could make yourself useful and wipe my button - circular motion."
Family Guy
"Oh, my God. That's Michael Eisner. I'll take it from here, Julio."
Family Guy
"Here you go, Mr Eisner. It's been Brian-ised."
Family Guy
"Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener,"
Family Guy
"and a copy of my coming-of-age teen comedy set in Wisconsin."
Family Guy
"- What's your name? - Brian."
Family Guy
"Let's see. There we go."
Family Guy
"See you at Disneyland. Bring money."
Family Guy
"Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news. And that must be his son."
Family Guy
"- Oh, my. - I feel bad staring without having got a ticket."
Family Guy
"How can I follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken?"
Family Guy
"- You're next. - Wait. We were next."
Family Guy
"Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey!"
Family Guy
"Tell us, Stewie. What job does a mommy do?"
Family Guy
"Interesting question. More to the point, how does one define "job""
Family Guy
"Um... How old do you think Daddy is?"
Family Guy
"Oh. I mean, Daddy's old. I think he's seven."
Family Guy
"That's it. That's what you want to hear. Yes, jump through the hoop."
Family Guy
"Jackasses."
Family Guy
"Did you hear that? We're going to Hollywood, where people are sexy and clever"
Family Guy
"and always say somethin' funny before the commercial break."
Family Guy
"Turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face."
Family Guy
"Oh, you can't hear me now? That's it."
Family Guy
"I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. You're now my bitch."
Family Guy
"This is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson."
Family Guy
"Listen, I read your script and it just jumped right off the page."
Family Guy
"Listen, I'm just jackin'you. Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks."
Family Guy
"- Tell him it sucks. - Yeah, it sucks."
Family Guy
"Jasper's residence."
Family Guy
"- Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? - Peter? It's me. Jasper's my cousin."
Family Guy
"I'm using his place. He's working at Club Med. Are you on a cell?"
Family Guy
"- Yeah, we're in LA. - What? W-What a terrific surprise."
Family Guy
"- Brian, can we see you for dinner? - Yeah, you're not too famous to see us?"
Family Guy
"Well, I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh..."
Family Guy
"the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd rather take you out to dinner."
Family Guy
"That's Ricardo. Ricardo, Brian. He doesn't speak English. Can I? Mm-mm."
Family Guy
"Catching up. OK, me first. I'm in love. Ooh, too much dressing."
Family Guy
"- How's the writing thingy going? - Terrible. I can't get my foot in the door."
Family Guy
"I have somebody you have to meet. He's a producer. He's great."
Family Guy
"Really? Thanks. That'd be great."
Family Guy
"- D'you like sex and the city? - It's an OK show."
Family Guy
"I wasn't talking about the show. Ooh! I'm nasty."
Family Guy
"Someone send me out to sea."
Family Guy
"It says here this is the gutter where the policeman fell over laughing"
Family Guy
"Oh, I think that's me."
Family Guy
"- Hello. - Hey, Peter. It's Quagmire."
Family Guy
"- Hey, Quagmire. - Last night I had sex with a black chick."
Family Guy
"Uh... uh... I gotta go."
Family Guy
"- Sorry. - What? All he said was "black chick"."
Family Guy
"I know, but your boyfriend looks like one of your typical angry black guys."
Family Guy
"Hey, we cool, G? Yuh? Yuh? Yuh? All right."
Family Guy
"Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp counsellor all the kids wanna "get with"."
Family Guy
"Jasper was right. You're very talented."
Family Guy
"I'm having a brainstorm. Ever thought about directing?"
Family Guy
"It's a low-budget movie, but the script is solid."
Family Guy
"My director quit and I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth."
Family Guy
"Well, I am smart and ambitious!"
Family Guy
"- Seriously. - I'm clean."
Family Guy
"Musso & Frank's is famous. See the bar over there?"
Family Guy
"- Great writers like Hemingway drank there. - Where'd that guy who wrote Porky's drink?"
Family Guy
"Oh, man, when that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole."
Family Guy
"Where do they get their ideas? You're the writer. You tell me."
Family Guy
"Oh, boy. This is great. All that searching, that emptiness I felt back home, gone."
Family Guy
"- I've finally found my life's calling. - How wonderful."
Family Guy
"but I guess that's why I'm not workin' out here in Hollywood, huh?"
Family Guy
"- Oh, congratulations on all your success. - Uh, thank you."
Family Guy
"Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set to see me in action."
Family Guy
"I'm in the business too, you know. I'm going to be on television."
Family Guy
"- Great. - And when I make my appearance,"
Family Guy
"- Hello. Peter Griffin? - You're in him."
Family Guy
"Yes, and I'm tired of you people always calling during dinner."
Family Guy
"- Sure. Where's the set? - Second door on your left."
Family Guy
"- So, this is a shampoo commercial, right? - Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?"
Family Guy
"So, this is a shampoo commercial, right?"
Family Guy
"Zack, I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this."
Family Guy
"I've been around. I've licked my share of peanut butter."
Family Guy
"But I think you need to find yourself a new director."
Family Guy
"- Are you sure? - I just can't do this."
Family Guy
"Is this any more degrading than washing cars? Here you can be creative."
Family Guy
"- This isn't bad. - It's like Bang the Drum Slowly,"
Family Guy
"Peter, slow down. Brian said he was gonna be on the set all day."
Family Guy
"Oh, crap. The LAPD."
Family Guy
"Argh! Ow! Argh! Ow!"
Family Guy
"- OK. Hey, thanks a lot, you guys. - Our pleasure. Have a nice vacation, sir."
Family Guy
"Yes... yes... yes..."
Family Guy
"Your husband's always away on business and you feel isolated and unloved,"
Family Guy
"Wow, a real movie set. Hey, this house looks kinda familiar."
Family Guy
"I'll bet Samuel L Jackson is here. He's in everything. There's Brian!"
Family Guy
"All right, Samuel, when you lay her down, I want you to enter from... Oh, my God!"
Family Guy
"- Hey, you guys. - Hey, Brian. Can I be in the movie?"
Family Guy
"The Jacuzzi girl didn't show. How long can you hold your breath under water?"
Family Guy
"- Real long. One time at Hatch Pond... - No, absolutely not. You gotta leave."
Family Guy
"- Get these people out. - Now you're a director, we embarrass you?"
Family Guy
"- No, no... I mean, yes. - Does anyone else smell Astroglide?"
Family Guy
"You're gonna look so handsome."
Family Guy
"Look at these crow's-feet. God. You stay up past 7.30 and you pay for it in the morning."
Family Guy
"It's not the first time you've disrupted a performance."
Family Guy
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