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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015) - Kimmy Can't Help You! (S03E03)

Okay.

"Okay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Lucifer!

"Lucifer!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I saw you gobble those papers, Kimbulimia,

"I saw you gobble those papers, Kimbulimia,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

and I know why you did it.

"and I know why you did it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

You want to fix that Miss Julie Pumpkinhead

"You want to fix that Miss Julie Pumpkinhead"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

What? Pfft. No.

"What? Pfft. No."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

But maybe I could help this lady see the mistake she's making.

"But maybe I could help this lady see the mistake she's making."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

When she said kudos to you, what did that mean?

"When she said kudos to you, what did that mean?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

She was going to bring me a chocolate-covered granola bar.

"She was going to bring me a chocolate-covered granola bar."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Wrong. She meant the fancy kind of kudos that look like a skirt.

"Wrong. She meant the fancy kind of kudos that look like a skirt."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Now repeat after me...

"Now repeat after me..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

When Wendy talks...

"When Wendy talks..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I will picture a blurry lady...

"I will picture a blurry lady..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

on a prank show...

"on a prank show..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

who did not sign the waiver.

"who did not sign the waiver."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

This is typical Wendy and Richard stuff.

"This is typical Wendy and Richard stuff."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

It is us against the world every time.

"It is us against the world every time."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I called the lawyer's office

"I called the lawyer's office"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

to see if they could put a messenger on a plane

"to see if they could put a messenger on a plane"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

with another set of papers.

"with another set of papers."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

"Don't marry a monster?"

""Don't marry a monster?""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

There's only one reason they're saying that to me,

"There's only one reason they're saying that to me,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

and it's 'cause I'm engaged to an incarcerated man

"and it's 'cause I'm engaged to an incarcerated man"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

who is also a minority...

"who is also a minority..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

- Excuse you? - ...in a prison...

"- Excuse you? - ...in a prison..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

filled with mostly Latin Kings.

"filled with mostly Latin Kings."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

And we can talk and bond.

"And we can talk and bond."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

We handwrite our flyers like our ancestors did.

"We handwrite our flyers like our ancestors did."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

'cause I've been living at a Hampty

"'cause I've been living at a Hampty"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

since I moved to Indiana five months ago.

"since I moved to Indiana five months ago."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Ooh, that sounds sad.

"Ooh, that sounds sad."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

And I lived in an underground tube.

"And I lived in an underground tube."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

- I guess we could see if the library has... - Nope.

"- I guess we could see if the library has... - Nope."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

We can print those papers right here in our home.

"We can print those papers right here in our home."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I know a gentleman with a printer machine.

"I know a gentleman with a printer machine."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I hope it still works.

"I hope it still works."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I take it apart and put it back together every couple hours.

"I take it apart and put it back together every couple hours."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I thought meth was supposed to make you fast.

"I thought meth was supposed to make you fast."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

"Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

It gives me a chance to get to know the woman

"It gives me a chance to get to know the woman"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

who spent 15 years with Dick.

"who spent 15 years with Dick."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

It's kind of sophisticated if you think about it.

"It's kind of sophisticated if you think about it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

If Noel Coward really was a coward who rapes everybody.

"If Noel Coward really was a coward who rapes everybody."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

♪ Who-who-who-who Wants to order pizza? ♪

"♪ Who-who-who-who Wants to order pizza? ♪"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Seventy-five?

"Seventy-five?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

What's your secret?

"What's your secret?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Well, I have the organs of a 35-year-old Guatemalan gardener.

"Well, I have the organs of a 35-year-old Guatemalan gardener."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Thank God we had the bathtub full of ice ready to go.

"Thank God we had the bathtub full of ice ready to go."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

No?

"No?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

especially Stewart and Phoebe

"especially Stewart and Phoebe"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

- Oh-ho-ho! - ...so they could join us.

"- Oh-ho-ho! - ...so they could join us."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

That's a big deal.

"That's a big deal."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

So here's to doing this again in five years,

"So here's to doing this again in five years,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

my organs will be 40,

"my organs will be 40,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

and I don't know how to do orangutan years,

"and I don't know how to do orangutan years,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

but my penis will be eight.

"but my penis will be eight."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

But in spite of everything, folks,

"But in spite of everything, folks,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I've become an old man,

"I've become an old man,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

And I'd rather be in Montana shooting salmon,

"And I'd rather be in Montana shooting salmon,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

so I've decided I'm not going to go

"so I've decided I'm not going to go"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

to our new chairman

"to our new chairman"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

So-so-so you're not gonna be in charge?

"So-so-so you're not gonna be in charge?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Duke is gonna be in charge?

"Duke is gonna be in charge?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Thank God you were here to explain it, Russ.

"Thank God you were here to explain it, Russ."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Congratulations, Dukey-boy.

"Congratulations, Dukey-boy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

- You could do better. - Wait.

"- You could do better. - Wait."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Shame! Shame! Shame!

"Shame! Shame! Shame!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I see what's happening here.

"I see what's happening here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

You won't accept our union

"You won't accept our union"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Well, let... Let me just...

"Well, let... Let me just..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Oh-ho, she's running. She's running.

"Oh-ho, she's running. She's running."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Okay, so we're up to...

"Okay, so we're up to..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Lort Jeebus.

"Lort Jeebus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I teach creative writing at prisons around the country.

"I teach creative writing at prisons around the country."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I only teach men.

"I only teach men."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Anyhoo, a few months ago, I was in Durnsville,

"Anyhoo, a few months ago, I was in Durnsville,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

and... here it comes.

"and... here it comes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

An inmate bit me, and he locked on.

"An inmate bit me, and he locked on."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

So the guards Tased him, which, of course, Tased me.

"So the guards Tased him, which, of course, Tased me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

And so I'm on the floor,

"And so I'm on the floor,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

and I hear someone say,

"and I hear someone say,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

"I guess this is a creative biting workshop."

""I guess this is a creative biting workshop.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

And it's Dick.

"And it's Dick."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I get it. It must be horrible...

"I get it. It must be horrible..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

for him to have to live with the knowledge

"for him to have to live with the knowledge"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

But at least he's expressing himself now.

"But at least he's expressing himself now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

He writes me the most beautiful poems.

"He writes me the most beautiful poems."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

- May I read you one? - Please don't.

"- May I read you one? - Please don't."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

It's called The Next Time I See You by Rick Wayne.

"It's called The Next Time I See You by Rick Wayne."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

bring $100...

"bring $100..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

for a thing I need...

"for a thing I need..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

He's like a young William Carlos Williams, don't you think?

"He's like a young William Carlos Williams, don't you think?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

who married Charles Manson

"who married Charles Manson"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

so she could sell his body when he dies?

"so she could sell his body when he dies?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

'Cause that's a relationship we can all understand.

"'Cause that's a relationship we can all understand."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I feel lucky Richard chose me.

"I feel lucky Richard chose me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

After the trial, he was juggling about a dozen erotic pen pals.

"After the trial, he was juggling about a dozen erotic pen pals."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Gah-lee, what is wrong with women?

"Gah-lee, what is wrong with women?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I don't blame them.

"I don't blame them."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

He's so charismatic.

"He's so charismatic."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Those soulful eyes of his.

"Those soulful eyes of his."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Well, to hear him tell it, you were no picnic either.

"Well, to hear him tell it, you were no picnic either."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

May I see you in my office?

"May I see you in my office?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I feel like we're letting a blind person go to bed on a stove.

"I feel like we're letting a blind person go to bed on a stove."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

That's right. And you're gonna tuck her in and go to college.

"That's right. And you're gonna tuck her in and go to college."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

So just tune that pasty Felicia out and think happy thoughts,

"So just tune that pasty Felicia out and think happy thoughts,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

like a toilet where you can lie down.

"like a toilet where you can lie down."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I almost forgot.

"I almost forgot."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

with his grandmother's wedding ring.

"with his grandmother's wedding ring."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

I don't have it.

"I don't have it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

No, his grandmother has it.

"No, his grandmother has it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

So can you talk to her?

"So can you talk to her?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Would you excuse us for a moment, Wendy?

"Would you excuse us for a moment, Wendy?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

You need to get out of this apartment.

"You need to get out of this apartment."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Take your incomplete college application

"Take your incomplete college application"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

and go wherever white folks go to finish stuff.

"and go wherever white folks go to finish stuff."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

A farmers market, dog park,

"A farmers market, dog park,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

- Too high! - Well, you lost your scarf,

"- Too high! - Well, you lost your scarf,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Mm.

"Mm."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

Kimmy's gone?

"Kimmy's gone?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015)

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