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Clips from The Good Place - The Trolley Problem (S02E02)

"Do we know anything about the people?"
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"Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend"
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"or that snooty girl from Rite Aid"
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"who was always silently judging my purchases?"
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"It's like, yeah, chicky, a Baby Ruth and birth control."
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"Kill one person instead of five."
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"But this is hard because the only trolley"
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"I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley."
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"It travels backwards from his penguin grotto"
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"to his garage of adult tricycles."
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"- Um, kill one, save five. - Good!"
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"But there's a lot of other versions of this,"
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"like what if you knew one of the people?"
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"Or what if you're not the driver, you're just a bystander?"
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"Or let's throw the trolley out altogether."
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"Let's say you're a doctor, and you can save five patients."
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"But you have to kill one healthy person"
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"It's still choosing to kill one person to save five, isn't it?"
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"Well, obviously the dilemma is clear."
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"How do you kill all six people?"
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"to slice the neck of the guy on the other track"
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"as we smush our five main guys."
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"- Yep. Ten more, buddy. - People good. People good."
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"- Good. - Good."
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"Oh, hey, twerps, we have an hour"
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"before we have to pretend to be tortured by Vicky."
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"We could work on our forced grins."
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"Check mine out."
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"This place is miserable, etcetera."
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"- That sounds fun. - Right?"
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"But I was gonna dive into next week's reading, I'm afraid."
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"Sorry. Jason, do you, um, care to join?"
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"You're doing extra-credit work?"
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"What can I say? This class is more fun than I thought."
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"You didn't tell her about us, did you?"
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"No."
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"Precisely because you refer to lovemaking"
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"about us being together?"
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"Right. Then you can talk about why it is"
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"that you don't want anyone to know we're together."
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"But then that person would know,"
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"and I don't want anyone to know."
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"I know."
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"I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is"
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"about how we're together."
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"How's it going, teach?"
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"Hmm, kitchen looks nice and crazy."
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"I've been racking my brain,"
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"trying to find a way to get through to Michael."
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"What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?"
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"He's just a bunch of evil"
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"shoved up the butt of an evil mannequin, you know."
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"teaching me how to be not hot."
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"You'd have me hunch or something"
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"and then stand there and say "gurp, gurp, gurp"?"
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"I can't even picture it because I've been hot my whole life."
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"If you can teach me and Jason ethics,"
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"Thanks."
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"I mean, if we really..."
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"- No. - No! Right?"
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"No, it felt like a no when I was doing it."
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"- Janet? - Hi, there."
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"If I were to tell you something personal about myself,"
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"you couldn't tell anyone about it, right?"
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"Right."
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"So, in a way, you're sort of like a therapist."
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"Absolutely not. A therapist is a trained medical professional"
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"with the ability to absorb and process complex ideas"
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"about human emotion."
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"I am simply a vessel"
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"containing all of the knowledge in the universe."
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"Close enough. Jason and I are sleeping together."
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"Okay."
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"I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason if he were the last man on Earth."
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"But... well, he sort of is, and I am..."
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"shagging him, I mean."
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"And I think I'm losing my mind, so please help me."
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"in the afterlife more enjoyable, so I will try to help you."
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"I am going to need some time"
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"to read every book ever written about human psychotherapy."
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"I just want to have a little chat about your progress."
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"In the last homework assignment,"
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"I asked you to examine the ethics of "Les Misérables,""
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"to feed his starving family."
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"Would you please read your first paragraph here?"
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""The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad."
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""Plus, they're all French,"
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"Do you see how you're already off topic?"
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"like, all of it."
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"But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread,"
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"Okay. Sure. But philosophy is"
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""is in the Bad Place being tortured."
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""He's a real wuss, too."
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""he's like, 'Sacre bleu, I peed in my pants.'""
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"I don't know what you want from me."
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"Jason's a nice person,"
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"but my suitors were always of a certain echelon."
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"I used what I called the "Duke Rule,""
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"because Duke is both minimum acceptable university"
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"and rank of nobility."
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"I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother,"
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"but even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason."
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"Jason didn't even have a job..."
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"in a sad way, not in the good, rich way."
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"Hey, guys. What are you doing?"
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"Sitting in a room?"
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"I took your suggestion,"
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"and I'm talking to Janet about our relationship."
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"Actually, it might help me"
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"if I could hear Jason's side as well."
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"Look, I'll tell you his side."
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"He thinks that I have to control everything"
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"and that he has no voice in this relationship."
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"Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we?"
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"I just... heard that."
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"That was just tricky. That's all."
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"Why don't you just tell me the right answer?"
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"Well, that's what's so great about The Trolley Problem"
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"is that there is no right answer."
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"Ugh."
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