Loading...
You're not connected to the Internet. Please check your connection.

Clips from Archer - Diversity Hire (S01E01)

"- And your lungs are filling up with blood. - Did you have sex with my mother?"
Archer
"Not who am I, not how did I infiltrate ISIS..."
Archer
"No, Archer, I didn't have sex with your mom."
Archer
"That would have been a though image to get out of my head."
Archer
"That, right there? That kind of racism..."
Archer
"is exactly why I can't wait to see tiny little Chinese boots..."
Archer
"on your white-ass necks."
Archer
"Which may sound hypocritical, I know, but..."
Archer
"Would you go?"
Archer
"- Well, crawl on over there and blow him. - Hey, come on."
Archer
"- Now, drop the case, Conway! - It's cuffed on, woman."
Archer
"- So watch it! - So, see, in Middle-earth..."
Archer
"Shh. Shh, shh, shh."
Archer
"Come on, buddy."
Archer
"Cyril, I need a little favor."
Archer
"Or, you know, whoever brings Jewish people their Christmas presents."
Archer
"No! Glossing."
Archer
"Lana, come on. I think we both know it works fine."
Archer
"- Well, unbounce it back. - Who am I, Tron?"
Archer
"Isn't he just a dream come true?"
Archer
"and unsubstantiated rumor I will not tolerate at ISIS."
Archer
"- Yeah, she's kind of weird that way. - She's kind of weird a bunch of ways."
Archer
"Oh, and by the way, you don't call a meeting, only I call a meeting."
Archer
"- Oh, sounds sexy. - Would you stop it."
Archer
"- Folks, please. - Embarrassing."
Archer
"No, that one is just jute. Exactly."
Archer
"All right, just pull the knife out."
Archer
"And I'll have nothing left to remind me of Conway."
Archer
"Moving on, item seven."
Archer
"- Wow. - Agent Hector Ruíz..."
Archer
"- Be that as it may! - Loose cannon."
Archer
"- Oh, I think we're pretty diverse. - Ha. Please."
Archer
"So join me in welcoming our new ISIS agent..."
Archer
"He's a diversity double-whammy."
Archer
"Where'd we be without my man Cyril in accounting?"
Archer
"How? I can go online and get a list of every federal holiday for the next..."
Archer
"Oh, my God, I am surrounded by idiots."
Archer
"you know how to whistle, don't you, Conway?"
Archer
"- You what? - I already took care of those."
Archer
"Hey, babe. Got any extra puke bags?"
Archer
"Ow!"
Archer
"Un..."
Archer
"I think Conway is totally up to something."
Archer
"- Your obsession with me. - Just..."
Archer
"No, you ass. The selfishness."
Archer
"You're keeping that office for you?"
Archer
"This is linen!"
Archer
"And you might want to duck."
Archer
"- That was amazing! - Yeah, well, you know."
Archer
"No, seriously, that was like..."
Archer
"- That was like, uh... - A Charles Whitman Sampler?"
Archer
"- Aah! What the...? - Sorry, Conway."
Archer
"- And as for Frodo... Wha...?"
Archer
"Apparently the kind that scrimps on background checks."
Archer
"and I'm circumcised. So it can... - It doesn't work like that."
Archer
"- So stupid. - What?"
Archer
"- I want you to listen to me. - Well then unperforate my eardrum."
Archer
"- Conway! What the shit, man? - What? Schmeck was a traitor."
Archer
"- Come over here, let's man-hug it. - All right. Okay. Um..."
Archer
"Aah! And how the hell are your hands that freaking strong...?"
Archer
"- Possibly Mother. - And what do we even know about him?"
Archer
"Oh! But leave me enough to make guacamole."
Archer
"Three!"
Archer
"All right! Obviously, I need to make a decision."
Archer
"- Who is this guy? - I don't know."
Archer
"- Oh, my God! Get over yourself! - Hey, I am over me."
Archer
"Right before he bled to death on the rug."
Archer
"He played fast and he played loose. And in the end, he got burned."
Archer
"- Hey, Malory, uh, you got a second? - I sincerely doubt it."
Archer
"- Well, he's just a lot more handsome. - Whatever."
Archer
"If we could run this thing through your condo, that..."
Archer
"who had infiltrated El Frente Rojo..."
Archer
"Yeah, the, uh, lockers were a tip-off."
Archer
"here's the thing about Brett."
Archer
"What kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?"
Archer
"Schmeck went missing along with the plans for the Whisper Drive."
Archer
"- Jeez! - Come on."
Archer
"- Conway? - Yeah, buddy."
Archer
"- Yeah I want to know like, now. - Well, thank God for them internets."
Archer
"Yeah, now he's all over my 400 dollar custom shirt."
Archer
"- Yeah, I get it. - I mean, come on!"
Archer
"I'll buy you a new one. Now grab the plans before it's too late."
Archer
"Me too! I'll have them make paella tomorrow."
Archer
"- Oh, thank God. - Oh, and that?"
Archer
"Pam, come on, let's face it. Your entire job could be done by a..."
Archer
"But which shall it...? Oh!"
Archer
"How in the world did his cover get blown?"
Archer
"- Yup, lips together, blow. Got it. - Oh. Ha, ha. You are just a little treasure."
Archer
"- Ish? - Well, what's the word for it, Lana?"
Archer
"- Ninety-gazillion percent of the time. - Just because the glare is annoying?"
Archer
"Because for a second there, I was like... I mean, not in a racist way, but..."
Archer
"- It's already too late. - Ha, ha! Yes it is, now hand over..."
Archer
"Tell Conway that his Secret Santa wants to come early."
Archer
"So I must be having a stroke..."
Archer
"- Seriously, "Homeboy McJewerson"? - Oh, come on, I've heard worse than that."
Archer
"Okay, fine, I can't prove anything right now."
Archer
"Señor Wingman?"
Archer
"- He totally checked out. - Okay, so do you mind if I take a little...?"
Archer
"We need a diversity hire."
Archer
"- Um, item six wasn't tragic? Zip it."
Archer
"Yeah, but it doesn't even make sense."
Archer
"Oh, thank you. Ha, ha. Where'd you get the steak?"
Archer
"- Goddamn it, Archer! Again! - Oh, shit."
Archer
"- I'm, trying to save... - A relationship?"
Archer
"- You shut up and get the plans. - What?"
Archer
"You may have them once I confirm the balance in my Swiss account."
Archer
"- Oh, wait, shit, I had something for this. - Aah."
Archer
"- Damn it. - Yeah, he's good at those."
Archer
"Archer, come on, man, let's go."
Archer
"Ew."
Archer
"You dumbass. I set this whole thing up."
Archer
"- You're kidding. - No, I'm dead serious."
Archer
"- Why? - Hey. Whoa."
Archer
"- You get any of that in the trash can? - No."
Archer
"about Conway boning your mother. - Oh, my..."
Archer
"Yes, but from where? I mean, if you didn't do a background check..."
Archer
"I called the meeting. - Which I love. That you did that."
Archer
"And those were his last words."
Archer
"You just have fun, dear. Mm-hm. Bye."
Archer
"You foiled that perfidious Conway, saved Sterling's..."
Archer
Show more clips