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Clips from Archer - Diversity Hire (S01E01)

"Totally. I mean, he shows up out of nowhere..."
Archer
"and starts trying to get all up in everything?"
Archer
"- Only that he's not circumcised. - Okay."
Archer
"Oh, my God! This is about you and me, right?"
Archer
"But apparently you're not."
Archer
"- What the hell smells like shrimp? - Just my sensual womanhood."
Archer
"I bet your womanhood smells divine."
Archer
"Me, your secret Jew Santa."
Archer
"- Oh, my God, I hope I'm pregnant. - What are you talking about?"
Archer
"Talk to your mother, she bounced it."
Archer
"- Why would she do that? - Don't go starting rumors..."
Archer
"I, uh, missed it on purpose."
Archer
"- It's about Conway. - Then yes, I have entire minutes."
Archer
"- Uh, yes, okay. - Like a foundling, carved out of onyx."
Archer
"Are you an idiot? Or do you just think I am?"
Archer
"- Hey, that is not... - Urban. Whatever."
Archer
"But that never stopped J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King..."
Archer
"You never heard that? How Hoover was this huge, cross-dressing chicken hawk?"
Archer
"- Think about that while on suspension. - While I'm on what?"
Archer
"- What are you, deaf and racist? - Wha...?"
Archer
"- I'm black. - Oh, put it back in the deck."
Archer
"- What? - Malory suspended me."
Archer
"Just because I had the nerve to ask questions about her little..."
Archer
"homeboy McJewerson. - Whoa, Lana, honey."
Archer
"- What? - Even though it's perfectly natural..."
Archer
"for you to be jealous of Conway..."
Archer
"Cristal. Yet another offering of unrefrigerated meat and/or seafood."
Archer
"What you doing, Birdbones?"
Archer
"Oh. You mean that you take online."
Archer
"- Okay, what is this lame meeting about? - No idea, I'm busy and go away."
Archer
"I know it's not standard procedure..."
Archer
"but we've got a problem. - A problem or a blessing?"
Archer
"A problem."
Archer
"I tracked him to South Beach. He's arranged to sell the plans..."
Archer
"Uh, so let me guess. - Yeah."
Archer
"Yeah. Which you probably found while researching me."
Archer
"Lana, because you're in the, uh..."
Archer
"...Danger Zone."
Archer
"Which rug? Oh, good. I thought you meant in the bedroom."
Archer
"Guests come in from the beach, they're all sandy or whatever, and..."
Archer
"Suspension? Lana, dear, you are getting a bonus. My God!"
Archer
"That way it doesn't go brown. Oh, let the paramedics do that."
Archer
"Oh, damn. Now I bet she's going to squeeze up all my brand new lemons."
Archer
"Yeah, and he totally impregnated me."
Archer
"Wait, he was only here two days."
Archer
"How is that pregnancy test showing positive?"
Archer
"so no one can enjoy it."
Archer
"was killed last night when his cover was blown."
Archer
"Tell them how we're really ISIS agents!"
Archer
"Oh, come on. Ruíz was a loose cannon."
Archer
"For ISIS to continue enjoying Title 6 tax incentives..."
Archer
"Hey, tell this broad what's up with ISIS, Pak-man."
Archer
"And then Agent Mgumbe... You going to this lame ISIS picnic?"
Archer
"decidedly monochromatic."
Archer
"- A, no, you're probably not. - And B through Z, nobody gives a shit."
Archer
"- Racist! - What?"
Archer
"You're anti-Native American."
Archer
"- I vote Asian chick. - And after an exhaustive search..."
Archer
"I found the perfect candidate."
Archer
"and the cafeteria, and..."
Archer
"- Do you keep kosher? - Well, I do have a weakness for prawns."
Archer
"drones. - Hey, come on!"
Archer
"Malory, these are the unsung heroes of ISIS."
Archer
"Hey, thanks, bro."
Archer
"- Now, over here is a big corner office. I see it's currently empty."
Archer
"Yeah, but unlike your dusty "vagine," it's not going to stay empty."
Archer
"- A bulletin board. - You heard Conway. I'm essential!"
Archer
"- Wow, ten thousand years. - Wait, really? Ten thousand?"
Archer
"Hmm? Oh. No, this isn't even on."
Archer
"And this is the locker room."
Archer
"- What have you got yourself into, man? - You better pray it wasn't my mother."
Archer
"I'm fairly confident you misread that whole situation."
Archer
"- Oh, yeah? - I'm real confident you misread this one."
Archer
"actually seems kind of gay. - Maybe because our penises are touching."
Archer
"- What? You, uh, see something you like? - Wha...? No, you queer!"
Archer
"whose tiny gun came with a matching purse?"
Archer
"- Damn it. - There, should have gone with:"
Archer
"Come on. She doesn't need a corner office..."
Archer
"And what, you need more room to chop vegetables?"
Archer
"And all we need is a stand-in, who resembles Schmeck's Cuban contact..."
Archer
"Zip it! Conway, dear?"
Archer
"- The plan? - Using Archer as bait..."
Archer
"- You have a South Beach condo? - I, uh..."
Archer
"Oh, hey, how's the, uh, lemon tree doing?"
Archer
"- Well, it was a wonderful weekend. - It was, wasn't it?"
Archer
"- Yeah, last weekend. Oh, my God."
Archer
"Oh, we were supposed to have paella."
Archer
"and think about how you're not the boss of me."
Archer
"head up your ass!"
Archer
"and cut me out of the will. - Ugh. Archer."
Archer
"- Which is why I'm going to kill him. - Oh. Okay, well, whatever the reason."
Archer
"- You know me better than that. - Yeah, I do."
Archer
"So try not to do anything stupid, okay? Conway could be dangerous."
Archer
"Yeah. You know what's dangerous?"
Archer
"- From Top Gun. - Just be careful."
Archer
"God, this is so classic Mother."
Archer
"From the...? There's no glare."
Archer
"Well, not now. But mid-April? Every morning. For almost 20 minutes."
Archer
"So you're gonna keep that huge corner office empty the other..."
Archer
"Well, semi-annoying."
Archer
"- And, uh, why do you have that? Exactly? - You never know what's gonna happen."
Archer
"Yeah, two people all alone together, down here in South Beach."
Archer
"Than need it and not have it. - Ah. Uh-huh."
Archer
"Kind of like a condom. Which happened last weekend."
Archer
"Oh, yeah, talk to me about handsome."
Archer
"And you have no trace of Cuban accent."
Archer
"Yeah, it's called tradecraft, genius."
Archer
"Because it's already soaked into the fibers, dumbass."
Archer
"And that is a Cuban hit squad."
Archer
"Oh, my God. Conway!"
Archer
"Damn it, yes. Seriously, thanks."
Archer
"What, Conway? No!"
Archer
"- Now you can thank me. - Oh, my God."
Archer
"You saved my life twice."
Archer
"I was actually kind of planning to kill you."
Archer
"Hey, you know what? Water under the bridge, dude."
Archer
"- Uh, are there more bad guys behind me? - Nope."
Archer
"I just needed a stand-in for those broke-ass Cubans."
Archer
"The Chinese'll pay five times as much for the Whisper Drive."
Archer
"Conway, wait. Just answer me one question."
Archer
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