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Clips from Archer - Diversity Hire (S01E01)

"Well, take my word on this."
Archer
"- On what grounds? - He touched my penis with his penis."
Archer
"He just came up to me and was like: "Byoop!""
Archer
"- And... Oh, you mean where in the building. - No."
Archer
"Oh, shit! Those were the newsletters!"
Archer
"Okay, Carin... Oh."
Archer
"so I need you to hook a sister up. - Well, I will certainly try."
Archer
"Wow, what is this?"
Archer
"because we actually agree on something. - Wait, really?"
Archer
"I mean, Salsa, Frodo."
Archer
"- Glossing over how you know that... - We touched penises."
Archer
"Oh, come on. Not your dick, dumbass."
Archer
"Oh, wait. Ew."
Archer
"- Conway! - Now, whom can I thank for these shrimps?"
Archer
"Conway! That was amazing."
Archer
"Yes, so, uh..."
Archer
"okay."
Archer
"The system bounced your sexual harassment complaint against Conway."
Archer
"Well, that's the thing. How did you actually find Conway?"
Archer
"Well, he just sort of appeared."
Archer
"Lana Kane! Just because now you're not the only black agent..."
Archer
"You come in here and accuse Conway of what, exactly?"
Archer
"now, did it? - What does that have to do...?"
Archer
"Wait, J. Edna?"
Archer
"- I had not. - That's exactly the kind of slanderous..."
Archer
"- Hey, how is my lovely lady. - Suspended."
Archer
"Then she cold-cocked you, huh? - Yeah, with that big Flintstoney fist of hers."
Archer
"- I mean, maybe if you were Scottish or... - Hey, man, racism, anti-Semitism."
Archer
"You can't go looking for logic in it. Here, this'll help the swelling."
Archer
"- Looking for a pregnancy test online. - But there's a drugstore half a..."
Archer
"- Excuse me? - Oh, my God, why are you still here?"
Archer
"- Mother called me for a meeting. - But I thought you called a meeting."
Archer
"It's a silent submarine propulsion system, called the Whisper Drive."
Archer
"- You are embarrassing. - Jesus."
Archer
"This is Wilhelm Schmeck, inventor of the Whisper Drive."
Archer
"to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens..."
Archer
"undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked right off Miami Beach."
Archer
"Ugh. Just what Miami needs. More Cubans."
Archer
"Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our worldwide database."
Archer
"And then slap Saran Wrap on the hole."
Archer
"No, you squeeze lemon juice over it, then smush the Saran Wrap right down on top."
Archer
"- Except his little mocha love child. - His what?"
Archer
"Yeah. - You had sex with Conway?"
Archer
"Oh, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a little blue sticker on it."
Archer
"And if it happens again I'll put a lock on it..."
Archer
"Oh, I'm afraid I have some tragic news."
Archer
"- My little burrito. - Wait, who?"
Archer
"They don't believe me. Hello?"
Archer
"- He probably got careless. - I'm sure Hector didn't get..."
Archer
"we have to meet certain..."
Archer
"diversity requirements."
Archer
"What? You're blackish."
Archer
"- You freaked out when I said "quadroon." - Imagine that!"
Archer
"- You imagine it! - Both of you, imagine shutting up!"
Archer
"Because after losing Agent Pak last year..."
Archer
"- I'm one sixty-fourth Cherokee. - Shut up!"
Archer
"Item eight."
Archer
"Stern. Conway Stern."
Archer
"Like my "vagine.""
Archer
"Wait, you don't think you're getting the office."
Archer
"Well, I am the Human Resources director."
Archer
"- I'm gonna get that office! I'm getting it, Pam!"
Archer
"Yeah, so, let's go on..."
Archer
"Oh, I'm queer? From the guy..."
Archer
"Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power."
Archer
"What? That little...?"
Archer
"See that? He was putting on his pants and I stopped him."
Archer
"So you just watch your step, mister, uh..."
Archer
"- "Sammy Gay-vis Junior." Damn it!"
Archer
"just to Xerox the ISIS newsletter. - Color Xerox."
Archer
"Frodo and Salsa were my operations."
Archer
"At ease, Career Admiral, Malory was getting impatient on Salsa."
Archer
"Wha...? What? That looks nothing like me."
Archer
"RaúI says it already has tiny lemons."
Archer
"That was a wonderful thank-you gift."
Archer
"You go! Get on the plane, buckle in, sit there..."
Archer
"Why? You taking a moral inventory?"
Archer
"Jesus, God, what are you doing here?"
Archer
"Duh! You think I'm an idiot? I know he wants to marry Mother..."
Archer
"It's not because of the whole black stepfather thing."
Archer
"Seriously Lana, call Kenny Loggins because you're in the Danger Zone."
Archer
"Yeah, it's pretty tastefully done, huh?"
Archer
"I need it to escape the glare from those windows across the street."
Archer
"Okay, you're meeting Schmeck at that café across the street."
Archer
"I'd rather have it and not need it... - Uh-huh."
Archer
"- Oh, my...! Ugh! - Damn, man, I was kidding!"
Archer
"- Look, if you're too nervous... - I'm fine, all right?"
Archer
"Just let me rinse off my mustache."
Archer
"You are more handsome in your photos."
Archer
"- I blend. - Just shut up and get the plans."
Archer
"I mean, give me those plans now. Give me those plans."
Archer
"- Tell him not to bother. - What?"
Archer
"Wait, what are we doing?"
Archer
"Oh, don't thank me yet."
Archer
"You'd have done the same for me."
Archer
"- No, I wouldn't have. - Ha, ha."
Archer
"- Wait, what? - I know, now I'm totally embarrassed."
Archer
"You dick."
Archer
"And once they do? Let's just say you better learn to use some chopsticks, buddy."
Archer
"Yeah, make it quick. My ride is here."
Archer
"Wait, what? That is your only question?"
Archer
"Is it something like, uh, "You don't get off the hook that easy"?"
Archer
"You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern!"
Archer
"Which is not my real name!"
Archer
"- Salsa was a highly complex operation. - Two phone calls."
Archer
"Well, some pun involving hobbits."
Archer
"Like, I bet he wishes he was wearing Bilbo's coat of Dwarven mithril."
Archer
"- Gonna take your word on that. - Yeah?"
Archer
"I am the top agent around here."
Archer
"I wanna file a complaint against Conway."
Archer
"- Wow. - Yeah."
Archer
"- Where? - All of it. Head and shaft."
Archer
"- That shouldn't matter, Pam. - I got this other complaint from Brett..."
Archer
"who said you shot him again. - Uh..."
Archer
"- Now it's Cristal? Cristal."
Archer
"You know? Like the champagne. It's what hot black guys drink."
Archer
"- Uh, you sure about that? - And I want Conway to drink me..."
Archer
"Don't try, do. And here, use this."
Archer
"What are you doing? - Uh, none of your businessing."
Archer
"But I got a bad feeling about Mother's little "Project Conway.""
Archer
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