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Clips from The Good Place - The Eternal Shriek (S01E01)

"but I love humans, so I wanted to try."
The Good Place
"Please call a train to escort me into retirement."
The Good Place
"Well, I can't feel sad,"
The Good Place
"Nope, this was entirely his idea."
The Good Place
"It doesn't change the fact that we weren't truthful."
The Good Place
"Whoa! New boots."
The Good Place
"Tell the truth... Do you like 'em?"
The Good Place
"Thanks so much, buddy."
The Good Place
"you're not supposed to see it till it's all set up."
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"It's the color of..."
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"- Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely. - They're not..."
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"- Mm. - I was just trying to honor you."
The Good Place
"Please, allow me to re-conceive the event."
The Good Place
"All right, everyone, we're starting over."
The Good Place
"to all my problems without having to work for it at all,"
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"and now it's gone."
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"and condemn him to an eternity of unimaginable pain."
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"That would be a classic "two birds with one stone" scenario."
The Good Place
"Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train,"
The Good Place
"but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne."
The Good Place
"uh, shut you down?"
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"There is a kill switch in a remote sector of the neighborhood"
The Good Place
"- Anything else? - No, that's good, thanks."
The Good Place
"He believed that lying is always morally wrong..."
The Good Place
"It's actually perfect that you are here. I got something for you."
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"- Eh? - I don't... I don't know."
The Good Place
"Those look great."
The Good Place
"Yes, but..."
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"Don't worry. Soon I won't be... Forever."
The Good Place
"Look, what I'm trying to say is this."
The Good Place
"I'm sorry I was so grumpy."
The Good Place
""Take it sleazy.""
The Good Place
"Not with that attitude, we can't."
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"built to make your life easier."
The Good Place
"Your pleading seems so real."
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"We're not even near the..."
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"Jianyu, no!"
The Good Place
"Attention..."
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"We have fun, don't we, Chidi?"
The Good Place
"I've never been more stressed out in my entire life."
The Good Place
"Only today, here on my watch,"
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"while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me,"
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"which I didn't want."
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"by the giant Janet alarm in the sky?"
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"I think that says it all."
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"Oh, yeah."
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"my retirement is officially postponed."
The Good Place
"Woo!"
The Good Place
"Actually, um..."
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"Oh, uh..."
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"Just that I'm here and I love you, man."
The Good Place
"Chidi!"
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"Yeah, I know. And I get it."
The Good Place
"to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut."
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"I owe you an apology."
The Good Place
"You're a wonderful person,"
The Good Place
"Is me."
The Good Place
"There's no escaping it."
The Good Place
"The problem..."
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"Is me."
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"And now..."
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"I have to leave you... Forever."
The Good Place
"Michael, you can't be the problem."
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"Oh, but I am."
The Good Place
"You see, architects aren't supposed to live"
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"in the neighborhoods they design,"
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"I see now that was a mistake."
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"I tried to force Jianyu into opening up, which caused a sinkhole to open up."
The Good Place
"I kicked a puppy into the sun, and garbage rained down."
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"I grossly underestimated the number of shrimp needed"
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"for the opening-night party,"
The Good Place
"and what flew through the sky the next day,"
The Good Place
"taunting me for my failures?"
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"I'm sorry, everyone. I'm truly sorry."
The Good Place
"You see, the only way in and out of a neighborhood is by train,"
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"and Janet is the only one who can operate them."
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"Oh, my dear Janet."
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"- Will you be okay after I leave? - Yes."
The Good Place
"This will not affect me in any way."
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"Jeez, show some compassion."
The Good Place
"but here's my best approximation of human crying."
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"- Oh, Janet, that was beautiful. - Yeah."
The Good Place
"What did you say to him? Did you make him do this somehow?"
The Good Place
"Dude, this is good news."
The Good Place
"Michael's gonna get a chill retirement, which, frankly, he desperately needs,"
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"and I can finally relax."
The Good Place
"It's forking perfect."
The Good Place
"No, it's terrible. Michael's wrong. He's not the problem."
The Good Place
"Well, Michael did bring me here,"
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"So, in that sense, he is the real problem."
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"Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!"
The Good Place
"There's an old Chinese proverb..."
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""Lies are like tigers. They are bad.""
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"- That's it? - It's more poetic in Mandarin."
The Good Place
"Look, Michael is retiring."
The Good Place
"He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere, smoking moonbeam cigars."
The Good Place
"Now, Tahani is throwing him a good-bye party."
The Good Place
"Let's go help out."
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"Sure, that will more than make up for the pain and misery and lying."
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"Yes, now you're getting it."
The Good Place
"Hey, Chidi, just read your article on logical positivism... So dry."
The Good Place
"Oh, thanks, Henry."
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"Oh, yeah, just got 'em."
The Good Place
"Oh..."
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"- Oh, yeah. - Not too red?"
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"- No. - Crystals aren't too much?"
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"Crystals are not too much."
The Good Place
"Oh, well, that makes me feel much better 'cause I was really going back and forth"
The Good Place
"over whether they were worth the money. They were super expensive."
The Good Place
"Yeah, well, they're, uh, amazing."
The Good Place
"Those are the coolest boots I've ever seen in my life."
The Good Place
"Right. Bye."
The Good Place
"My God..."
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"What have I done?"
The Good Place
"Tonight needs to be the perfect blend of celebratory, reverential,"
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"bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless."
The Good Place
"This is #TahaniTime."
The Good Place
"What is all this?"
The Good Place
"Oh, no, Michael,"
The Good Place
"But, well... Welcome to your retirement party."
The Good Place
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