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Clips from Modern Family - Family Portrait (S01E01)

"Yeah, but that's ridiculous."
Modern Family
""Ridiculicious." [Sighs]"
Modern Family
"I don't see anything. So I'm crazy?"
Modern Family
"No. You're... not."
Modern Family
"Mom, you're obsessing over the tiniest little thing-"
Modern Family
"So you do see it, yeah."
Modern Family
"What is the big deal about this one picture?"
Modern Family
"Honey, you know what, I don't expect you to understand, but- [Exhales]"
Modern Family
"All right, when you're a mom, everything goes by so quickly."
Modern Family
"In a minute, Luke's gonna be shaving,"
Modern Family
"and Alex is gonna be off at college, and you're gonna be-"
Modern Family
"You'll be doing something great."
Modern Family
"I just wanna freeze this moment as it is right now."
Modern Family
"You know? I do."
Modern Family
"I know I don't show it, but this family's still the most important thing-"
Modern Family
"Screw it. I'm gonna fix the bastard."
Modern Family
"I mean, seriously, how hard can it be?"
Modern Family
"If your father can do it, I can do it. Right?"
Modern Family
"All right. I just need to..."
Modern Family
"lift-"
Modern Family
"Oh, now I see it."
Modern Family
"Uh-huh. Mm-hmm."
Modern Family
"[Crowd Cheering]"
Modern Family
"These seats are amazing."
Modern Family
"Why you have candy coming out of your pocket? No, no, no, no, no."
Modern Family
"Huh? I brought my own snacks."
Modern Family
"Not because I'm cheap. It's a matter of principle."
Modern Family
"Plus I get a little rush from the danger. Be cool. Be cool."
Modern Family
"What? Be cool. Just look straight ahead."
Modern Family
"I never felt more alive. Whoo!"
Modern Family
"[TV: Announcer, Indistinct]"
Modern Family
"Okay, I just made it worse. I'm not freaking out though."
Modern Family
"- Oh, my God! It's Dad. - Where?"
Modern Family
"Right there, behind Kobe. Oh, Kobe? How weird is this!"
Modern Family
"Quick. Quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out."
Modern Family
"Tell him I'm pregnant. No, not gonna say that."
Modern Family
"- [Line Ringing] - [Claire] Okay, here we go. How funny is this!"
Modern Family
"[Chuckles]"
Modern Family
"[Recording] Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do."
Modern Family
"[Line Beeps] Well, that was pretty funny."
Modern Family
"[Beeps]"
Modern Family
"Oh, my God!"
Modern Family
"[Coos] Oh, my God."
Modern Family
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God."
Modern Family
"Oh. Oh."
Modern Family
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God."
Modern Family
"Oh, my God. Oh."
Modern Family
"[Chattering] [Cell Phone Rings]"
Modern Family
"It's much better. Excuse me. Sorry."
Modern Family
"I think that's her cousin. Hello?"
Modern Family
"There is a pigeon in our house. What do I do? What do I do? Who is this?"
Modern Family
"Never funny. Not funny now. Calm down."
Modern Family
"You know I grew up around many animals. One time, a rooster attacked me,"
Modern Family
"and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner."
Modern Family
"Great time for an anecdote. Help me."
Modern Family
"It's more afraid of you than you are of it."
Modern Family
"Pigeons aren't scared of anything. They stand on electrical wires."
Modern Family
"You're gonna be fine, Mitchell. Just as long as you don't-"
Modern Family
"- [On P.A.] ♪ Kiss, kiss ♪ - Cool. The kiss cam."
Modern Family
"Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started-"
Modern Family
"We're related. Not by blood."
Modern Family
"Touch me and there will be blood."
Modern Family
"[Crowd Cheering]"
Modern Family
"Not us. What's wrong with you?"
Modern Family
"It's the kiss cam. When it lands on you, you're supposed to kiss."
Modern Family
"[Cheering, Whistling]"
Modern Family
"This is my wife's dad's second wife. So legally okay, but still weird."
Modern Family
"That was awkward. And we're back."
Modern Family
"[Crowd Booing]"
Modern Family
"Oh. ¡Ay! Come on. It's not a big deal."
Modern Family
"[Crowd Cheering, Applauding]"
Modern Family
"Thank God for caller I.D. So you don't have to talk to your wife."
Modern Family
"[Claire Chuckles] Oh, we're gonna talk, mister."
Modern Family
"[Hammering] We're gonna talk and talk."
Modern Family
"[Beeps]"
Modern Family
"Dad, Mom saw you on TV. You're dead."
Modern Family
"Here's the thing. The kiss cam is only supposed to be..."
Modern Family
"for the enjoyment of the people at the game."
Modern Family
"They never show that on TV."
Modern Family
"What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena..."
Modern Family
"should be their own business."
Modern Family
"So in '66, I worked in my grandfather's office supply business-"
Modern Family
"your ink, your staples, your legal pads."
Modern Family
"- Am I going too fast for you? - I fell asleep for a second."
Modern Family
"Did you do anything interesting in the '60s?"
Modern Family
"Well, one summer, I swept up hair at my other grandfather's barbershop."
Modern Family
"You're killing me. What do you want?"
Modern Family
"I don't know. Brian Beckwith's grandfather marched on Washington."
Modern Family
"Artie Beckwith? He couldn't walk two feet without complaining."
Modern Family
"He marched on Washington? He told Brian he did."
Modern Family
"- Guess who cut his hair. - What?"
Modern Family
"Do you know who cut Martin Luther King Jr.'s hair?"
Modern Family
"Neither does Luke's teacher."
Modern Family
"So the barbershop was in Washington? Okay."
Modern Family
"The Kennedys, Richard Nixon, all the astronauts."
Modern Family
"How do you think Buzz Aldrin got his nickname?"
Modern Family
"Awesome."
Modern Family
"♪ We don't need any milk ♪"
Modern Family
"♪♪ [Humming]"
Modern Family
"Okay, you know what, Lily? I am a man."
Modern Family
"I am going into the kitchen to get your milk. [Crying]"
Modern Family
"[Crying Continues] [Panting]"
Modern Family
"[Screaming, Whimpering]"
Modern Family
"[Continues]"
Modern Family
"Oh! Oh!"
Modern Family
"[Screaming, Whimpering]"
Modern Family
"[Lily Crying] [Cooing]"
Modern Family
"♪♪ [Cello]"
Modern Family
"♪ Ave Maria ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Gratia plena ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Ave, ave dominus ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Dominus tecum ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Et benedictus fructus ventris ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Ventris tui, Jesus ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Ave Maria ♪♪"
Modern Family
"[Applause]"
Modern Family
"Then one day, Wilt Chamberlain shows up."
Modern Family
"He says, "Can you take a little off the top for my friend here?""
Modern Family
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