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Clips from Blackadder (1982) - The Archbishop (S01E01)

"— Hell? — Yes, Hell..."
Blackadder (1982)
"where Satan belches fire"
Blackadder (1982)
"And where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse,"
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"No! Spare me the little forks!"
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"What is this nonsense?"
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"are everybody's favourite lunch."
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"Oh, Christ!"
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"Forgive me, sire. I will change my will"
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"and leave my land to the Church."
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"Blessed be thy stainless soul!"
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"Urgh—h!"
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"(Edmund) Now, Baldrick, what news?"
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"I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to goblins."
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"No, about the Duke of Winchester."
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"This shilly—shallying is so undignified."
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"My Lord, I come with tragic news."
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"Died at last, has he?"
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"— Who, My Lord? — Oh, I see!"
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"You ask me what the message is before you tell it to me."
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"Quite brilliant, I must say!"
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"I was referring to the Duke of Winchester."
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"Who, My Lord?"
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"Let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we?"
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"— Someone has died, yes? — Yes, My Lord."
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"Who is it that has died?"
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"The Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord."
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"— Are you a cretin? — Yes, My Lord."
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"The Archbishop of Canterbury?"
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"Oh, no — the King has done it again."
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"— 'Orribly, My Lord. — Any details?"
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"— There you are! — I come with tragic news."
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"Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury"
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"has met with a most tragic accident."
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"I think I've fathomed out how it came about."
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"Who had died, leaving his lands to the Church?"
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"And so the King was after his blood."
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"I dare say, but then, round the corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer."
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"No, that tall fellow with no ears."
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"He rushed towards the Archbishop, head bowed,"
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"in order to receive his blessing..."
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"and, er, unfortunately killed him stone dead."
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"How?"
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"Oh, one of those with a two—feet spike."
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"Normally used for butting enemies and killing them stone dead."
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"So presumably he'd “forgotten” he was wearing it?"
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"That's exactly what the poor fellow had done."
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"Ah, yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram"
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"Quite. And nearly as tragic as poor Archbishop Wilfred"
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"Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways."
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"What a tragic accident, My Lord."
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"(Percy) Who do you think will take over?"
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"Rumour has it, My Lord, the King wants to choose Prince Harry."
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"And we all know what happens to archbishops, don't we?"
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"They go to Canterbury."
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"Are you sure about your source?"
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"It was Jane Smart —"
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"It was? Blimey!"
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"Well, with Harry gone..."
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"— the Black Adder will be... — (Both) King...Next!"
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"Yes, today could be one of the most important days of my life."
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"Percy, I shall require splendid garments for the ceremony."
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"— Boots? — The Italian."
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"for the Black Russian, shall we? It terrifies the clergy."
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"(Braying laughter)"
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"(Organ)"
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"Apparently, Lord Wilders is keeping his sheep in his bedroom,"
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"but nothing on the appointment, no."
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"Fair enough."
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"— Why are you dressed like this? — Like what, sorry?"
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"Well, this enormous nonsense here."
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"Fingers crossed!"
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"Members of the court and, er...clergy,"
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"I have...at last..."
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"after careful consultation with Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ,"
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"and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost,"
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"decided upon the next archbishop."
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"Fat chance!"
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"my own son..."
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"Eeh—h!"
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"Archbishop, we salute thee!"
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"— Congratulations! — D—D-Down!"
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"Oh!"
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"Use both hands. Very good, very good!"
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"Well done, Harry! (Knock)"
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"Ah, Your Majesty!"
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"There were just a couple of points about my appointment,"
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"— before things are firmed up. — Yes?"
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"— Firstly, could I...? — No, you couldn't."
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"I've always despised you."
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"Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you're biased."
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"You, compared to your beloved brother Harry — ha—ha—ha! —"
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"are as excrement compared to cream."
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"Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!"
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"And me, also."
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"So when I've at last found a use for you,"
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"— don't try to get out of it. — No, no. Certainly not."
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"equally weak—willed and feeble might do just as well."
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"Ha! There's no such man!"
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"I thought, though, perhaps, someone who believed in God...?"
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"No, if I needed someone who believed in God,"
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"I'd have chosen Harry,"
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"not an embarrassing weed like you."
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"Egbert!"
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"Come here."
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"A word of advice."
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"If YOU Cross me NOW...or ever..."
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"I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites."
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"I don't think that's a good idea!"
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"You understand?"
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"Flee!"
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"— Where's the dwarf? — Here, My Lord."
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"— Archbishop! — Aah..."
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"— H—Hail. — Going somewhere?"
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"Um..."
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"Where?"
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"To C—Canterbury."
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"Oh, good! Harry here will accompany you."
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"I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture."
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"To France?"
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"Um, are you off to France, Percy?"
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