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Clips from Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Two Turkeys (S05E05)

[chimes glass] - I'd like to say a few words.

"[chimes glass] - I'd like to say a few words."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Camila and I thrilled to welcome you into our family,

"Camila and I thrilled to welcome you into our family,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

so allow me to be the first to bless this union with a toast.

"so allow me to be the first to bless this union with a toast."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

To Jake and Amy. all: To Jake and Amy.

"To Jake and Amy. all: To Jake and Amy."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Aww, thanks, Dad. That was really sweet.

"- Aww, thanks, Dad. That was really sweet."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Karen and I would like to welcome you into our family.

"- Karen and I would like to welcome you into our family."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and allow me to be the first to say that we love you.

"and allow me to be the first to say that we love you."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

To Jake and Amy. Congratulations.

"To Jake and Amy. Congratulations."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

all: To Jake and Amy.

"all: To Jake and Amy."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Thanks, Dad. - I'd like to go again.

"- Thanks, Dad. - I'd like to go again."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- But you didn't say it. - I'd just like to add,

"- But you didn't say it. - I'd just like to add,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

if there's anything you ever need,

"if there's anything you ever need,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

the Santiagos are here for you.

"the Santiagos are here for you."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

To Jake and Amy. - Round two.

"To Jake and Amy. - Round two."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Oh, that seems like plenty, Dad.

"- Oh, that seems like plenty, Dad."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- No, if Victor gets two toasts,

"- No, if Victor gets two toasts,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

then I do too. - [sighs]

"then I do too. - [sighs]"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

if there is anything that you need or want

"if there is anything that you need or want"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

the Peraltas are there for you.

"the Peraltas are there for you."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- That doesn't sound like a better offer than mine.

"- That doesn't sound like a better offer than mine."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

[stammers] It's a lot better than yours.

"[stammers] It's a lot better than yours."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'll give you my grandfather's watch.

"I'll give you my grandfather's watch."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- I would like to pay for the wedding.

"- I would like to pay for the wedding."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

all: What? - I win.

"all: What? - I win."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Well, that was a lovely series of toasts,

"- Well, that was a lovely series of toasts,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- No, I'd like to know what Roger meant

"- No, I'd like to know what Roger meant"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

when he said he would pay for the wedding.

"when he said he would pay for the wedding."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

How much are you willing to give them?

"How much are you willing to give them?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Whatever they need. - You know, it's tradition

"- Whatever they need. - You know, it's tradition"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

for the bride's family to pay. - It's also tradition

"for the bride's family to pay. - It's also tradition"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

for the host to make the turkey.

"for the host to make the turkey."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Okay, guys-- - Bottom line is,

"- Okay, guys-- - Bottom line is,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

we appreciate the offer, but we're paying.

"we appreciate the offer, but we're paying."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Maybe we should just split the wedding.

"- Maybe we should just split the wedding."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Given your financial situation.

"- Given your financial situation."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- No. - What's that supposed to mean?

"- No. - What's that supposed to mean?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Our financial "situation"?

"Our financial "situation"?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- You know, I think we probably all had

"- You know, I think we probably all had"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm gonna dump it out into this plant.

"I'm gonna dump it out into this plant."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- [gasps] - That's a $600 bottle.

"- [gasps] - That's a $600 bottle."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- $527. I looked it up online.

"- $527. I looked it up online."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

If you paid $600, you're making some bad choices, my friend.

"If you paid $600, you're making some bad choices, my friend."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'd never said that before. Amy, you come with me.

"I'd never said that before. Amy, you come with me."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

[exhales sharply] This is a nightmare.

"[exhales sharply] This is a nightmare."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

This is worse than my sixth birthday party

"This is worse than my sixth birthday party"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

when I caught my dad making out with a female clown

"when I caught my dad making out with a female clown"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

in the bounce house. Oh, my dad is the worst.

"in the bounce house. Oh, my dad is the worst."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- I know. He's ruining the whole day.

"- I know. He's ruining the whole day."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- You literally just said he's the worst.

"- You literally just said he's the worst."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You have to pretend like he's cool.

"You have to pretend like he's cool."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

your parents were being a little condescending.

"your parents were being a little condescending."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Why? Because they asked what was in the dip

"- Why? Because they asked what was in the dip"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

that seemed to be just mayo? - All dip is just mayo.

"that seemed to be just mayo? - All dip is just mayo."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

your mom brought her own hand towels.

"your mom brought her own hand towels."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing

"As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

they had guests coming over? - Did she?

"they had guests coming over? - Did she?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- No, you don't have to.

"- No, you don't have to."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

They never get dirty. - Wow.

"They never get dirty. - Wow."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far

"The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- I called her an unhygienic tree.

"- I called her an unhygienic tree."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Wow. Wow.

"- Wow. Wow."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Wow. All right, you know what?

"Wow. All right, you know what?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Let's just go back in there

"Let's just go back in there"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and enjoy our joyous Thanksgiving

"and enjoy our joyous Thanksgiving"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and hopefully no one's parents will ruin it.

"and hopefully no one's parents will ruin it."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Fine. Well, I know that my parents

"- Fine. Well, I know that my parents"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

aren't gonna ruin any joyousness.

"aren't gonna ruin any joyousness."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

In fact, they're gonna be joyous as hell.

"In fact, they're gonna be joyous as hell."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Not nearly as joyous as my parents.

"- Not nearly as joyous as my parents."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Thank you, all, for joining me.

"- Thank you, all, for joining me."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Or should I say...

"Or should I say..."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

alib-lies!

"alib-lies!"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

for your big ride up the coast, then tell me,

"for your big ride up the coast, then tell me,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

why is your tank only half full?

"why is your tank only half full?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Mr. Fib. I find it quite odd

"Mr. Fib. I find it quite odd"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

that you were building up an appetite at the gym

"that you were building up an appetite at the gym"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

when your gym is closed on Thanksgiving.

"when your gym is closed on Thanksgiving."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

And, Boyle, out buying goose feet

"And, Boyle, out buying goose feet"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

for Nickolaj? - Nikolaj.

"for Nickolaj? - Nikolaj."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- I found your grocery store receipt.

"- I found your grocery store receipt."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

No feet of any kind. But there was one purchase,

"No feet of any kind. But there was one purchase,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

One gallon of milk!

"One gallon of milk!"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

This heist took three people.

"This heist took three people."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

The jig is up. Confess.

"The jig is up. Confess."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Okay, I lied. - Thank you.

"- Okay, I lied. - Thank you."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Not about the pie. About my Thanksgiving.

"- Not about the pie. About my Thanksgiving."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm not spending it alone. I'm spending it with my family.

"I'm not spending it alone. I'm spending it with my family."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

And I wasn't putting oil in my bike.

"And I wasn't putting oil in my bike."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- [gasps] - I missed my family a lot

"- [gasps] - I missed my family a lot"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

when I was in prison and we've gotten really close again.

"when I was in prison and we've gotten really close again."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Okay. It was a two-man job.

"- Okay. It was a two-man job."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- No, I didn't steal your pie either.

"- No, I didn't steal your pie either."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I lied about the gym because I was still trying to find

"I lied about the gym because I was still trying to find"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I forgot it was her birthday coming up

"I forgot it was her birthday coming up"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and by the time I realized, the dumb toy was all sold out.

"and by the time I realized, the dumb toy was all sold out."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

what a horrible dad I really am.

"what a horrible dad I really am."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Well, now we do. Boyle?

"- Well, now we do. Boyle?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- [crying] Nikolaj is a picky eater!

"- [crying] Nikolaj is a picky eater!"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I lied about his pallet. All he drinks is milk.

"I lied about his pallet. All he drinks is milk."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

All he eats is buttered noodles.

"All he eats is buttered noodles."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- And perhaps my walnut pie? - I wish.

"- And perhaps my walnut pie? - I wish."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

He hates nuts. My son is a basic bitch.

"He hates nuts. My son is a basic bitch."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- So none of you took my pie.

"- So none of you took my pie."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Captain, you're gonna wanna see this.

"- Captain, you're gonna wanna see this."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Their desks were clean,

"Their desks were clean,"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

so we expanded the search radius.

"so we expanded the search radius."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Take a look.

"Take a look."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- My pie, and it wasn't even eaten.

"- My pie, and it wasn't even eaten."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Just thrown away like common street trash.

"Just thrown away like common street trash."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

and it never gets easier.

"and it never gets easier."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Wow, Mom, what a delightful dinner.

"- Wow, Mom, what a delightful dinner."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I mean, these have gotta be the most joyous green beans

"I mean, these have gotta be the most joyous green beans"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I've ever seen. - Oh, thanks, honey.

"I've ever seen. - Oh, thanks, honey."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

They're pre-made from a can. - Great.

"They're pre-made from a can. - Great."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Shall we carve the turkey? Get this dinner started?

"Shall we carve the turkey? Get this dinner started?"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- I'm an excellent carver. Allow me.

"- I'm an excellent carver. Allow me."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- I think I can carve the turkey.

"- I think I can carve the turkey."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

After all, it is my house

"After all, it is my house"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- We have two turkeys.

"- We have two turkeys."

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

You can both carve one. - Yes, thank goodness

"You can both carve one. - Yes, thank goodness"

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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