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Clips from Blackadder (1982) - Born to Be King (S01E01)

"The Duke of Edinburgh,"
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"consumed with passion, whisks away little Tully!"
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"Shut up! Get on with it!"
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"Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?"
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"No, I'm a bowl of soup."
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"And are you Miss Tully Applebottom?"
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"Er, Mrs."
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"Mrs."
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"Ah."
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"Ah..."
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"Never mind. Get on with it, Father, come on."
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"This is most unusual."
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"But hasn't the church always dealt with the unusual?"
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"The miracle with the fishes, for example!"
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"No one knows any impediment why they may not be joined in holy matrimony."
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"No. No. No. No. No. No."
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"Yes!"
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"And you are?"
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"Mr Applebottom."
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"No, the husband of the bride."
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"Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh."
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"Prince Edmund, this is Thomas."
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"Er, Smith. I called about the ducking—stool fund."
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"Mr Applebottom, I was wondering"
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"whether I could have a temporary arrangement with your good lady."
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"Get out!"
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"Stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife."
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"Get out of here!"
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"Oh! That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know!"
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"No! That'll be the Earl of Doncaster."
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"(Infanta sighs contently)"
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"— Well, this is nice. — Yes."
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"To have a little talk about ladies' things."
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"Just the two of us."
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"Tell me, Mrs Queen, about English men."
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"Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know."
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"And with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women,"
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"they only want one thing."
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"What is that?"
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"A kind of pudding, made with bread and butter and raisins."
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"Oh! And of course, the other thing!"
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"(Laughs and speaks Spanish)"
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"— Oh, well, custard. — Crema."
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"Now, Edmund, what he like?"
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"I told you, this pudding."
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"In bed, yes. Well..."
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"No, no, no, no."
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"Oh, yes."
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"Well, like a little rabbit, really."
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"(Speaks Spanish)"
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"Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him."
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"The most depressing night of my life."
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"At least you can take solace in one thing."
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"What's that?"
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"We're pretty sure she's a virgin."
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"At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary."
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"What, My Lord?"
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"Oh!"
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"Yes! Yes! Yes!"
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"You know I'd take any other way."
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"I'll die in there."
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"Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral."
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"Right. Now, go on, in you go."
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"Little boy with big job to do."
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"(Percy chokes back tears)"
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"(In soft, high voice) Infanta!"
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"(Infanta) Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio."
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"(Interpreter) Oh, Edmund, my love."
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"(Infanta makes excited noises)"
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"(Excited noises)"
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"— I bring the gravest of news. — What?"
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"Have our armies on the Rhine been slaughtered,"
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"had their heads cut off and cheese poured down their nostrils"
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"— in the traditional Swiss manner? — No, My Lord."
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"(Baldrick moans)"
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"(Interpreter) Don't hold back, please, my little one."
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"Is it the Russian royal family,"
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"mistaken for bison, due to excessive winter clothing,"
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"and hunted down, chopped to pieces,"
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"No, My Lord."
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"(Infanta) Ahh—ahh!"
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"What, then?"
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"My Lord,"
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"the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin."
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"(Infanta) Ahh!"
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"Yes, I know that."
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"(Infanta groans) Mas!"
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"Her uncle told me."
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"(Interpreter) Again, please."
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"That's why he took 500 off the dowry."
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"But I thought..."
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"Anything else?"
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"to witness the marriage of two God—fearing Christians."
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"Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?"
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"Ye—yes, I am."
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"Are you Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan..."
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"(Speaks impatiently in Spanish)"
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"Stupid person, hurry up,"
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"I wish to entwine him in my broad thighs."
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"Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God."
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"— If anyone knows just cause... — (Thinks) Dear Lord,"
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"please help me now."
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"..let him speak now or forever hold his peace."
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"(Thinks) Now's your chance."
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"So be it."
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"(Thinks) Oh, thanks a lot."
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"Come on!"
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"— Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet... — Oh, shut up."
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"..to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold,"
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"to cherish and to delight,"
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"to chastise and to beat until death..."
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"..until death do you part."
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"Speak up! Can't hear a thing here."
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"I do."
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