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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Walks Into a Bar! (S02E02)

Work? I?

"Work? I?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Have to get back to? (GASPS)

"Have to get back to? (GASPS)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I have to get back to work!

"I have to get back to work!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sorry. Nugs are on me.

"Sorry. Nugs are on me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's a cool, shorter way to say nuggets.

"That's a cool, shorter way to say nuggets."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Jacqueline!

"Jacqueline!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You look amazing.

"You look amazing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I feel disgusting. I had twins yesterday.

"I feel disgusting. I had twins yesterday."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Eh! - Ahhh...

"- Eh! - Ahhh..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so exhausted from gala season.

"so exhausted from gala season."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Did you know that poor people

"Did you know that poor people"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

don't even have to do gala season?

"don't even have to do gala season?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why do they look so tired all the time then?

"Why do they look so tired all the time then?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So, you're coming tonight, though, right?

"So, you're coming tonight, though, right?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, obviously. It's my gala.

"Well, obviously. It's my gala."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, your gala is December 10th.

"No, your gala is December 10th."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

December?

"December?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We couldn't have scheduled our galas on the same night.

"We couldn't have scheduled our galas on the same night."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What if we did?

"What if we did?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That would be... interesting.

"That would be... interesting."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- That would be a disaster! - Exactly!

"- That would be a disaster! - Exactly!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

For one of us. But who?

"For one of us. But who?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You know, I faked the Saddam capture.

"You know, I faked the Saddam capture."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He's still out there.

"He's still out there."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I need to rush out of here making weird panicked noises.

"I need to rush out of here making weird panicked noises."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(SCREAMS)

"(SCREAMS)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(GASPS) I met a really cute guy at a restaurant where I peed!

"(GASPS) I met a really cute guy at a restaurant where I peed!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

just like Lieutenant Dan, or Colonel Sanders!

"just like Lieutenant Dan, or Colonel Sanders!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I'm tough, like a soldier.

"'Cause I'm tough, like a soldier."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hyah! Hyah! Do soldiers do that?

"Hyah! Hyah! Do soldiers do that?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Sometimes.

"Sometimes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's just, I've taken some knocks,

"It's just, I've taken some knocks,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and sometimes I felt like I was moving backwards,

"and sometimes I felt like I was moving backwards,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

or sideways, or any way but forward.

"or sideways, or any way but forward."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So we are talking about Fleet Week.

"So we are talking about Fleet Week."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But maybe this is forward.

"But maybe this is forward."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A guy who really understands what I went through.

"A guy who really understands what I went through."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can makeover montage Tuesday

"I can makeover montage Tuesday"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, I don't know if I'm seeing him again.

"Oh, I don't know if I'm seeing him again."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I didn't do that part.

"I didn't do that part."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Not that. - Only Aladdin can pull off harem pants?

"- Not that. - Only Aladdin can pull off harem pants?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Not that.

"Not that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- John Cusack got fat, but I still would? - No, get the digits!

"- John Cusack got fat, but I still would? - No, get the digits!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The digits!

"The digits!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, look at us.

"Oh, look at us."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Both having man problems.

"Both having man problems."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Is that why you've been shouting so much in the bathroom?

"Is that why you've been shouting so much in the bathroom?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm talking about Mikey.

"I'm talking about Mikey."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He just talks and talks,

"He just talks and talks,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, that's just part of dating in the '90s.

"Well, that's just part of dating in the '90s."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Like compromising, or women be shopping.

"Like compromising, or women be shopping."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ham-burger!

"Ham-burger!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know how Jackie Onassis did it twice.

"I don't know how Jackie Onassis did it twice."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, in the bunker, I got pretty good

"Look, in the bunker, I got pretty good"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

at pretending to pay attention to people.

"at pretending to pay attention to people."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Whenever anyone was talking nonsense,

"Whenever anyone was talking nonsense,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'd just pretend their eyes and mouth were flipped.

"I'd just pretend their eyes and mouth were flipped."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He was a ghost the whole time.

"He was a ghost the whole time."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, another movie idea I have is about a village

"Oh, another movie idea I have is about a village"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, also, I have another idea

"Oh, also, I have another idea"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but Marky Mark is there!

"but Marky Mark is there!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's hard not to look interested

"It's hard not to look interested"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

when an upside-down face is talking at you.

"when an upside-down face is talking at you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kimpanzee, you may have lived through a nightmare,

"Kimpanzee, you may have lived through a nightmare,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but you learned so much cool stuff.

"but you learned so much cool stuff."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Like how to dress a pretend salad?

"Like how to dress a pretend salad?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Salad? Starter. Track and field.

"Salad? Starter. Track and field."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Field greens. Salad.

"Field greens. Salad."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

think my benefit is two months from now,

"think my benefit is two months from now,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

instead of tonight?

"instead of tonight?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Am I using that right?

"Am I using that right?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What have who done? Me done?

"What have who done? Me done?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's how they do it in England,

"That's how they do it in England,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and fanny means chooch!

"and fanny means chooch!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(GASPS) What else were you in charge of?

"(GASPS) What else were you in charge of?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Who else has the wrong date, Mimi?

"Who else has the wrong date, Mimi?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The venue!

"The venue!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I gave it fancy to the venue!

"I gave it fancy to the venue!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I left your dress at a restaurant

"I left your dress at a restaurant"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and now it's gone like so many steaming nugs.

"and now it's gone like so many steaming nugs."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I remembered it like this:

"I remembered it like this:"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

October is Halloween month,

"October is Halloween month,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and 12 is the spoo-ookiest number,

"and 12 is the spoo-ookiest number,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

minus one.

"minus one."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So the flowers, decorations, catering...

"So the flowers, decorations, catering..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I did it the British way!

"I did it the British way!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I am afraid this time,

"I am afraid this time,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Thank you for your service.

"Thank you for your service."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Keith, how'd you find me?

"Keith, how'd you find me?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Did you reposition a satellite

"Did you reposition a satellite"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to lock onto my coordinates?

"to lock onto my coordinates?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

There's an address on this garment bag.

"There's an address on this garment bag."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah. That's a bag.

"Yeah. That's a bag."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The dress is inside it.

"The dress is inside it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My brain is still mostly thinking about

"My brain is still mostly thinking about"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

where IEDs could be hidden,

"where IEDs could be hidden,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

like that pile of clearly empty boxes,

"like that pile of clearly empty boxes,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so I went and forgot to ask a pretty girl for her number.

"so I went and forgot to ask a pretty girl for her number."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(SNORTS)

"(SNORTS)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Get the digits!

"Get the digits!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, those aren't for this event.

"No, those aren't for this event."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I know exactly how and when.

"And I know exactly how and when."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Good news. I found out what went wrong.

"Good news. I found out what went wrong."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Your month and date were flipped.

"Your month and date were flipped."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And dinner was spelled with a U.

"And dinner was spelled with a U."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How do you have Sting? I have Sting!

"How do you have Sting? I have Sting!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I emailed him myself!

"I emailed him myself!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why didn't I just say October?

"Why didn't I just say October?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I would be at home getting ready for your event.

"I would be at home getting ready for your event."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

who has never beaten me once.

"who has never beaten me once."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Then turning on the garbage disposal

"Then turning on the garbage disposal"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to cover my screams.

"to cover my screams."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The food. The flowers.

"The food. The flowers."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

They're gonna throw it all out!

"They're gonna throw it all out!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why is someone with $1 1/2 billion

"Why is someone with $1 1/2 billion"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so concerned about paying twice for flowers?

"so concerned about paying twice for flowers?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, I didn't know-know, but I knew.

"I mean, I didn't know-know, but I knew."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

(SIGHS)

"(SIGHS)"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Look, Deirdre, just give me the space tonight.

"Look, Deirdre, just give me the space tonight."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Help me out, and I'll do whatever you want.

"Help me out, and I'll do whatever you want."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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