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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Walks Into a Bar! (S02E02)

"(LAUGHS AND CRIES)"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Have you met Naomi, my..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I was thinking we could go see a horror movie"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and laugh at what people think is scary."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"is neither dry, nor a wall,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that would be a lie?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Exactly, 'cause it's both."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just redid my sister Theresa's house..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"She's the one that married a fireman, right?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"around all that equipment."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Shh, shh, shh."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"We just moved past this."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm just gonna live as Sia now."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(GLASS SHATTERS)"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What the Hellmann's Mayonnaise was that?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And if it tries to get out, you just lock it up forever,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Seven Olympics."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Fifteen Christmases!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, really? 'Cause get this."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Does that sound like someone who's in denial?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(CLINKING GLASS)"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"When the Pilgrims landed in the New World..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Okay, but when the Pilgrims landed,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I saw First Americans and assumed"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Actually, if the Lenape had invested that money"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"$8.6 septillion."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"10,000 years running,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and you don't care about anyone else but yourselves."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(PHONE BUZZING)"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I can't hear anything,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Fancy roof lamp ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(MUTED) One day I'm gonna marry this wheelbarrow. That's my deal!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You tried to destroy my people,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"right in the middle of Broadway"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"as if you're some sort of M&M store."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(LINE RINGS)"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- Hello? - Hi, Mom."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, hi, Jackie Lynn."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Not all New Yorkers know each other, Virgil."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Well, today's the day, Mom."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Everything I came back to New York to do."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Patrick Duffy?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That was the first time."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(GASPS) Of course!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Right, honey?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So proud!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"We'll be proud of all the fun you're gonna have,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and whatever dress you pick out, or..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I don't know how to talk about this stuff."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I wear supermarket jeans."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Guys, it's not about the dress."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"with a foil print pattern,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ But females are strong as hell ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ It's a miracle ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Okay, everything's ready for the gala tonight."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and Sting is booked, with a guarantee"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"of no lute-playing."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, no. I see it. I see it."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"(SIGHS) Fifteen years ago,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"you know where I would have been tonight?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"at the bar of the Pierre Hotel..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- I stayed at a hotel once. - Nobody likes you."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Waiting for Julian to fake a work emergency"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I've been waiting so long, my Rachel's starting to Phoebe."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Jokes like that are why he'll never leave her."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And as soon as I stopped making those jokes,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"he did leave her."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Men find funny women disgusting."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So then, I was the wife at the gala."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I guess none of it's great."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I need you to go pick up my dress from Bergdorf's."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I will treat it like it's my own fanciest dress,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"which I got free when I signed up for a bank account."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And this can be my job, right?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I mean, how can you forget..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"We got a shipment of rebar in,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"but it was the five-foot instead of the ten-foot."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and they offered to give us a discount,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"No, then some guy overhears me, and he's like,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You trying to get rid of ten-foot rebar?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And then he's like, Can't you put two fives together and just make ten?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And I'm like, No, you can't do that."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and you're too pretty to let out of my sight."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You're so elegant with your shiny pocket"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Hello, I just used your bathroom,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's fine. Don't worry about it."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"If I ignore that sign, where does it end?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I will have a large cocoa and some chicken nuggets."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"With ketchup. Leave the bottle."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just like calling people Hon"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Soldiers."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You've kind of got that look."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Because of my muscles?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"because the floors aren't safe."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"No, your eyes."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Not that I was staring at your eyes"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"like a weirdo or anything."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm close with my mom... What? Okay."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Just..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You look like you've seen some stuff."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm not trying to pry."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And not being home for Christmas?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That was the worst."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Tell me about it."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I was... away for 15 Christmases."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"At some point, I started forgetting the words"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"to Christmas carols, like,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Jinky bongs, Jinky bongs ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Jinky Halloween, hey! ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That's why I'm making up for lost time."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You know the G.I. Bill?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's G.I. Joe."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And I'm all about making up for lost time, homeslice."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Still working on the lingo-rooski."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I know the feeling, G-money."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Everyone else just wants to buy me a drink"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and say, Thank you for your service."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And not just because every time you get a drink,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"For Mousey Poppins."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I wish I didn't have to go back to work."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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