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Clips from Modern Family - The Bicycle Thief (S01E01)

"0h, yeah. Call a guy."
Modern Family
"No! You're supposed to do it with him."
Modern Family
"It's important that we teach him how to do things for himself."
Modern Family
"In my culture, men take great pride in doing physical labor."
Modern Family
"I know. That's why I hire people from your culture."
Modern Family
"[Laughing] You're too funny."
Modern Family
"I'm gonna share that one with my next husband when we're spending all your money."
Modern Family
"Dad, this is the coolest bike ever. Awesome."
Modern Family
"Certain members of this family don't think you can take care of this bad boy."
Modern Family
"Look, uh, your mom and I are a team,"
Modern Family
"and she- we feel like this is a chance for you to show some responsibility."
Modern Family
"Don't make us look like jerks here."
Modern Family
"I won't. Okay."
Modern Family
"One more rule. What?"
Modern Family
"Have, like, three butt-loads of fun."
Modern Family
"Thanks, Dad."
Modern Family
"- So let's do this. - 0kay, but I need to be done by 3:00."
Modern Family
"That's when my dad's picking me up."
Modern Family
"Hey, if we're not done by 3:00, I'm gonna tie a noose on this thing."
Modern Family
"[Gloria] In Colombia there's a saying:"
Modern Family
""If you have two stubborn burros that don't like each other,"
Modern Family
"you tie them to the same cart.""
Modern Family
"The ceiling fan is the cart."
Modern Family
"My dad's taking me on Space Mountain."
Modern Family
"It's supposed to be really fast, but he's not scared of anything."
Modern Family
"He doesn't even wear a seat belt when he drives. Wow. How 'bout that?"
Modern Family
"- Killed a bear once. - Really? Was the bear sittin' in the passenger seat?"
Modern Family
"Read me the instructions."
Modern Family
""Safety tips. Warning: To reduce the risk of electrical shock"-"
Modern Family
"We can skip that."
Modern Family
"Uh, "Failure to heed these warnings can lead to serious injury or death.""
Modern Family
"You know, you worry too much. You know that."
Modern Family
"Nobody's gonna get shocked."
Modern Family
"One time my dad was struck by lightning."
Modern Family
"That's why he can drink as much as he wants."
Modern Family
"[Jay] Manny thinks his dad is like Superman."
Modern Family
"The truth? He's a total flake."
Modern Family
"In fact, the only way he's like Superman..."
Modern Family
"is that they both landed in this country illegally."
Modern Family
"[Babies Babbling]"
Modern Family
"They're gonna love us. Let's just be ourselves."
Modern Family
"0r a slightly toned-down version of ourselves."
Modern Family
"[Scoffs] I just don't want this to become an episode of "The Cam Show.""
Modern Family
"0h, my gosh. People love "The Cam Show." Yes, I know."
Modern Family
"You watch "The Cam Show." I do watch it."
Modern Family
"It's appointment viewing. Okay."
Modern Family
"Hi! Hi! Are you here for Toddler Time?"
Modern Family
"Yes. I-I'm Mitchell. This is Cameron. Hello."
Modern Family
"And this here is Lily."
Modern Family
"Well, how nice for... the babies."
Modern Family
"Mm-hmm. [Giggling]"
Modern Family
"This is gonna be really difficult."
Modern Family
"[Horn Honking]"
Modern Family
"Ten minutes after making a promise to me, he leaves his bike unlocked."
Modern Family
"[High-pitched Voice] "He's not responsible."
Modern Family
"You never should have given him a bike.""
Modern Family
"So I decided to teach him a lesson..."
Modern Family
"and let him think his bike was stolen."
Modern Family
"Excuse me! Thank you."
Modern Family
"On your left! My left. Your right!"
Modern Family
"Everyone, we have a new family joining us today."
Modern Family
"Hi. I'm, uh, Mitchell, and I am a lawyer."
Modern Family
"which gives me more time to grill and shoot baskets and-"
Modern Family
"And this is Lily."
Modern Family
"Okay, we're gonna start with the Hello Dance,"
Modern Family
"and then we're gonna move on to blocks, then finger painting,"
Modern Family
"and then we're gonna do our Family Dance."
Modern Family
"All right. Who wants to start us off?"
Modern Family
"[Baby Cooing]"
Modern Family
"She's adorable. Oh, thank you."
Modern Family
"Seven months? Uh, eight."
Modern Family
"0h! Is she grabbing or scooting yet?"
Modern Family
"Yes. Absolutely."
Modern Family
"I mean, when she's not grabbin', she is- she is scootin'."
Modern Family
"Dance us in, Tyler!"
Modern Family
"[Gasps] Are you ready? Okay. Here we go."
Modern Family
"Whoo! Oh!"
Modern Family
"Cam, Lily is not grabbing or scooting yet."
Modern Family
"Well, she's not doing it yet, but she will eventually."
Modern Family
"No, but, see, a lot of these other kids, they're- they're grabbing."
Modern Family
"I-I just- Here. Come-"
Modern Family
"Lily. Look at the block, huh? Grab the block, Lily. Grab the "H.""
Modern Family
"Dance us in, Lily!"
Modern Family
"Okay. I got this. Cam, just-"
Modern Family
"No slapping your own butt. But that's how I make my horsey go."
Modern Family
"That was very good."
Modern Family
"I feel dirty. [Baby Squeals]"
Modern Family
"[Grunts]"
Modern Family
"0h, hey. Hey! Hi."
Modern Family
"Hi. Hi."
Modern Family
"Uh, this is really embarrassing, but I locked myself out of my house."
Modern Family
"0h! Pssh! I do that all the time. Don't be embarrassed."
Modern Family
"I was- I was hoping you could help me."
Modern Family
"There's a window open, but I can't reach it."
Modern Family
"Would you mind?"
Modern Family
"0f course. You know what they say-"
Modern Family
""Every time God closes a door, he opens a window.""
Modern Family
"0r I guess in this case, every time he locks you out. Okay, what do we got here?"
Modern Family
"I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes."
Modern Family
"Would I ever act on it? No. No way."
Modern Family
"Not while my wife is still alive. [Door Closes]"
Modern Family
"Are you sure I can't get you something to drink?"
Modern Family
"Yeah. No, I'm- I'm fine. Really."
Modern Family
"Are you kidding me? It smelled great in there."
Modern Family
"for... dry skin and, you know, calloused hands."
Modern Family
"Yeah, it's a candle."
Modern Family
"The bike's gone. Oh, no."
Modern Family
"0kay. Thank you!"
Modern Family
"So, to teach him a lesson, I took his bike,"
Modern Family
"and then- crazy thing- I put it down for one minute, and someone swiped it from me."
Modern Family
"Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson."
Modern Family
"[Forced Laugh] Zinger."
Modern Family
"I can throw in a bell- Deal."
Modern Family
"For five dollars. No, sir."
Modern Family
"So, you wanna go for the insurance this time, or is it still for suckers?"
Modern Family
"[Forced Laugh] Got me again."
Modern Family
"Well played, milord."
Modern Family
"I will take some insurance. Thank you."
Modern Family
"What's going on in there?"
Modern Family
"That's not step four. Don't worry about it."
Modern Family
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