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Clips from Master of None - Ladies and Gentlemen (S01E01)

"Well, he has it listed for 300 bucks,"
Master of None
"but I'm gonna try and talk him down to 200."
Master of None
"Right, right, right."
Master of None
"Listen, I'm an expert on Craigslist."
Master of None
"It's where I get all my silverware, all my musical instruments,"
Master of None
"all my Gremlins merchandise."
Master of None
"Here's the pro move: good cop, bad cop."
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"You walk in, say,"
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""Oh, I love this couch. I'll take it.""
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"I'll say, "Uh-uh! We're still shopping around.""
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"Got it?"
Master of None
"Got it."
Master of None
"Buzz him."
Master of None
"[knock at door]"
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"- Hey! - Hi!"
Master of None
"- I'm Blake. - Rachel."
Master of None
"Nice to meet you."
Master of None
"So this is the couch."
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"Oh, my God, it's amazing."
Master of None
"You kidding me?"
Master of None
"I don't know, Arnold. It might be a little big."
Master of None
"Maybe we should shop around a little bit?"
Master of None
"Oh, no, you make room for a piece this nice."
Master of None
"It's so soft."
Master of None
"Why is it only $300? What's the catch?"
Master of None
"No catch, I'm moving out of the country, so I just need to get rid of it."
Master of None
"These pillows feel like they're filled with angel feathers."
Master of None
"Can I actually talk to you over here for a minute?"
Master of None
"Yeah, sure."
Master of None
"[conductor] Ladies and gentlemen, due to police activity,"
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"we're being held momentarily..."
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"Hey, Officers."
Master of None
"We got the masturbator."
Master of None
"He's right here."
Master of None
"Yeah."
Master of None
"You have the right to remain silent."
Master of None
"Don't do that."
Master of None
"Sorry."
Master of None
"Okay, guys, wait here for a sec. I'll be right back to get your statements."
Master of None
"Hey."
Master of None
"Can I ask you something?"
Master of None
"Why would you do this?"
Master of None
"Why not just jerk off at home like everybody else?"
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"Honestly? It's just what I'm into."
Master of None
"Do you like the idea of someone seeing it,"
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"or is it just the act of doing it?"
Master of None
"What do I look like, a psychiatrist to you?"
Master of None
"I don't know. It's just something I do."
Master of None
"What if society told youse you couldn't do the sexual acts that you liked?"
Master of None
"Well, the sexual acts we like don't traumatize other people."
Master of None
"Ha, but if they did,"
Master of None
"I bet you'd have some real internal conflict."
Master of None
"Welcome to my world."
Master of None
"All right."
Master of None
"Stop making me weirdly kind of sympathize with you."
Master of None
"You said you took a video of the incident?"
Master of None
"Yeah."
Master of None
"Can you send it to this number?"
Master of None
"Whoa."
Master of None
"So I'm texting you a video of him jerking off?"
Master of None
"This is weird."
Master of None
"Come on, it is a little weird."
Master of None
"So I don't know how to say this, but my brother is a little bit off."
Master of None
"Yeah, he was such a sweet kid, but when he was 15,"
Master of None
"he had an accident."
Master of None
"His favorite show was Home Improvement."
Master of None
"And it came on,"
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"and he heard the... [grunting] sound,"
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"and he got so excited."
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"And he ran down to the basement to watch,"
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"and he slammed his head on the low ceiling."
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"Poor kid didn't know how tall he had gotten."
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"And, um, he's just never been the same since."
Master of None
"[sighs]"
Master of None
"He really loves this couch."
Master of None
"But we don't have a lot of money."
Master of None
"Is there any way we can have it for 200 bucks?"
Master of None
"Yeah, sure."
Master of None
"I need to clear everything out anyway."
Master of None
"Found some candy in the couch."
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"Love you, couch."
Master of None
"[kisses]"
Master of None
"I just don't believe in vaccinations."
Master of None
"I just don't."
Master of None
"How can injecting a little bit of a disease"
Master of None
"help you not get the disease?"
Master of None
"You're just putting the disease in you."
Master of None
"Garden Depot crew, what's up?"
Master of None
"Hey, Dev. Um, Marie was just wrapping up."
Master of None
"Tell us stuff about your day today, please."
Master of None
"Please tell some stuff."
Master of None
"Uh, okay."
Master of None
"Well, um, earlier today, my friend Denise and I"
Master of None
"were on the subway, right?"
Master of None
"And we saw this dude jerking off."
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"So we made a citizen's arrest,"
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"and the police came and got him."
Master of None
"Damn!"
Master of None
"Good for you, man, wow."
Master of None
"You are a masturbation vigilante."
Master of None
"Well, I don't know about that."
Master of None
"That makes it sound like I was the one masturbating."
Master of None
"Oh, does it?"
Master of None
"Yeah, like, I'm a vigilante that, like,"
Master of None
"jerks off on villains."
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"Like, I see a bank robber, and I'm, like, "Stop it!""
Master of None
"That would be really cool too."
Master of None
""Don't mug that lady!""
Master of None
"Here, have a drink."
Master of None
"Yeah, to masturbation vigilante."
Master of None
"- Cheers. - Cheers."
Master of None
"The other day at CVS, this guy tells me,"
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""Smile more, beautiful.""
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"I'm like, "Fuck off!""
Master of None
"Why should you smile more? Why?"
Master of None
"'Cause women get paid 23 cents less on the dollar than men do?"
Master of None
"Uh, because the government's trying to regulate your body?"
Master of None
"You smile more, uh-uh. Him smile less."
Master of None
"And then I sent a cop a photo of the guy's dick."
Master of None
"That is awesome."
Master of None
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