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Clips from Master of None - Ladies and Gentlemen (S01E01)

"For example, did you know that all the ants in the world"
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"weigh as much as all the humans in the world?"
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"I'm just saying, if they possessed our intelligence"
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"and could somehow organize, it'd be a fair fight."
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"So I'm gonna pick up that couch"
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"from that Craigslist guy today."
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"Can you come with me?"
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"Sorry, boo, I got to get back"
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"to the Garden Depot commercial."
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"I could do it."
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"My large stature can keep you safe."
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"I'm a great negotiator, get you those primo prices."
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"And I can help you carry it home."
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"That sounds great."
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"Though you definitely didn't need"
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"to provide three reasons."
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"Nobody else was itching to go."
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"Well, like I said, I'm a great negotiator."
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"So what's it like being a giant?"
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"It's pretty good."
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"I always have a good view at a concert."
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"Planes are tough, though."
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"What's it like being tiny?"
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"Oh, it's fine."
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"Planes are great. Concerts are tough."
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"I wonder what experiences are similar for us."
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"Hmm, hunger, love, bad smells..."
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"Mouse!"
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"What? What? Where?"
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"It ran right in front of me."
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"Oh, okay, well, I think it's gone now, so..."
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"It's disgusting."
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"Oh, oh, you seem pretty shaken up."
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"Yeah."
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"Do you... You want to go get some boba tea?"
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"Yeah, boba."
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"Okay. It's okay."
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"[shushes]"
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"Hey."
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"What's up with black dudes and their barbers?"
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"Why's it such a big deal?"
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"I could be a black barber."
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"No, you couldn't."
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"It's super hard."
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"You can't fuck up the line above their forehead."
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"It's got to be straight."
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"Oh, what, so I can't shave a straight line?"
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"Come on, of course I can do that."
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"Oh, fuck, I think this dude over here is jerking off."
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"Damn it."
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"Third masturbator I've seen this year. Creepy dudes, man."
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"We'll just go over to the other side."
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"No, no, no, no, wait."
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"We can't just keep letting this shit slide."
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"We got to do something."
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"Well, I'm all for doing something,"
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"but what would we do, exactly?"
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"What if we took a video of him"
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"and posted that shit all over Facebook?"
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"He'd never be able to get a job again."
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"So we Internet shame him?"
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"I mean, in theory, it works."
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"But it's kind of a long-term play."
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"And who knows if the clip will go viral, you know?"
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"Maybe blogs will pick it up,"
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"maybe someone makes a meme, but..."
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"Okay, okay, okay, you right."
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"Internet's too fickle."
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"Oh, I got it."
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"What if we make a citizen's arrest?"
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"What?"
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"You've heard that before, right?"
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""I'm making a citizen's arrest.""
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"If you're a citizen, you can arrest people."
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"Man, that shit ain't real."
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"How we both know the phrase?"
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"Good point."
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"But then what? What we gonna do?"
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"Ask the conductor to call the police?"
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"The conductor? There's no conductor."
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"It's the G train."
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"It's not fucking Shining Time Station."
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"Fine. We'll call the cops after."
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"But we're gonna need evidence, though."
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"Okay."
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"I'll act like I'm looking at a photo."
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"Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, yeah."
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"Look at that. [chuckles]"
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"All right, that's enough footage, all right."
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"Let's arrest this fool."
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"Okay, so on three, we both go,"
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""Stop what you're doing!"
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"This is a citizen's arrest!" Right?"
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"[both] One, two, three."
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"Stop what you're doing! This is a citizen's arrest!"
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"This is real."
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"This is a real thing that people can really do."
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"What are you talking about? I'm zipping my jacket."
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"Oh, really? Is this how you zip your jacket?"
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"Man, we got video of you jerking off."
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"Yeah, I filmed it all on my phone,"
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"and we're gonna show it to the cops."
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"What the hell are you talking about, pal?"
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"I wasn't jerking off."
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"I saw you touching yourself."
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"You're disgusting."
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"Ooh, looks like she saw it."
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"Yeah, I saw it too."
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"I'm going to the conductor and I'm telling him"
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"to call the police."
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"See, I told you there was a conductor."
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"I thought it was all run by computers."
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"Dude, you're busted, all right?"
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"And when this train stops, there's gonna be cops"
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"out there waiting for you."
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"God damn it!"
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"[both] We did it!"
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"[applause]"
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"Whoa, whoa."
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"Did you talk price with this guy?"
Master of None
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