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Clips from Arrested Development - My Mother the Car (S01E01)

"All that stuff about her marital troubles and Tobias being a never-nude?"
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"A never-nude? I thought he just liked cutoffs."
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"How do you treat somebody in your own family like that..."
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"lying and deceiving and saying anything just to get your own way?"
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"- So what did you want to see me about? - Hmm?"
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"Oh, um, there's a big bowl of candy in my office."
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"- Why don't you go eat it? - WayneJarvis, attorney at law."
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"I have a responsibility to tell you that there is no candy in this office."
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"Lindsay."
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"- What are you doing here? - I had to get away from Marta."
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"If I have to smell another meal of fish, rice and mango, I'm gonna kill somebody."
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"- Now Michael's learning Spanish. What's up with that? - Oh, who knows?"
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"He won't get your father out of jail for a night."
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"- He's bringing in a new attorney. - New attorney?"
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"And he's learning Spanish?"
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"He's hiding something."
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"And I intend to find out what it is."
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"Do yourself a favor. Get him drunk."
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"Barry."
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"I see you're getting closer to our attorney."
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"Well, I just want you to know that I won't be needing your help after all."
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"My brother Michael came through as he always does and as you never do."
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"Whatever it takes to get your relationship with that never-nude back on track."
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"- Michael told you that? - He couldn't wait to."
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"And later, while Michael was meeting with Wayne..."
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"My thing with Tobias was a secret like you stealing your brother's girlfriend!"
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"- I open up to you, and you run and tell Mommy! - Excuse me."
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"Outside, please. Thank you. Pardon us."
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"Like it all wasn't just lies to get me to pay that debt. Isn't that why you got me drunk?"
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"- I got you drunk. - Mom told me about your little plan."
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"- What plan? I had a great time last night! - So did I!"
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"- Then why are we yelling at each other? - Mom."
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"- Unbelievable. - She did it again."
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"- All right. We've got to teach her a lesson. - Hmm."
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"Excuse me, Wayne, my sister and I were outside having a business discussion..."
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"and we were wondering if there's some sort of legal way..."
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"that we can humiliate our mother."
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"Something shaming, something public."
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"I've used one adjective to describe myself. What is it?"
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"Professional."
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"So how are we going to screw Mom?"
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"- Maybe we can get Barry to help. - Forget it."
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"I think I was right about them all along. You know Barry's taking Mom to the pageant?"
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"- On a date? - Yeah."
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"Ugh! If Dad could see her on a date with Barry, he'd go crazy."
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"Which would allow us to hire Wayne."
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"How do you feel about staying in debt just a little bit longer?"
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"So they decided to spend the money Michael had promised Lindsay..."
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"to get their father out for the pageant, where he'd catch his wife with Barry."
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"Maeby, too, continued to try to teach her parents a lesson."
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"Okay, so I printed the fake airline ticket from my computer."
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"If my parents miss this, I really might go to South America."
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"- That says "Portugal." - That's right."
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"Maeby's parents didn't find the ticket, but Gob did..."
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""Portugal.""
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"which confirmed his suspicions."
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"Gonna live it up down old South America way, huh, Mikey?"
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"And Buster finally gave in to Lucille 2's wishes."
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"You ready to show me off before God and the whole world?"
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"It's not my dad's reaction I'm worried about."
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"And George Michael finally saw the painting he was going to be re-creating."
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"And then what "frontspiece"meant."
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"George Sr. got his 24 hours of freedom as the pageant finally began."
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"You know, I saw you do this when I was a kid. I was so impressed."
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"You know, you were so still and godlike."
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"It was at that moment that I knew I would be a dancer."
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"Glad I could make a difference."
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"Michael and Lindsay searched the crowd for their mother and Barry..."
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"so they could revel in the public shaming they had engineered."
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"- Mom, what the hell are you doing? - But instead they found her with Wayne."
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"I don't have to answer that."
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"I don't know which one of you I'm more disappointed in."
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"No, it's Wayne. Wayne..."
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"- I have needs. I am a man! - Hey, watch..."
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"What's the difference? Your father doesn't care about me."
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"Barry tells me he's not even trying to get out of prison."
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"- Mom, he's here. Dad's here. - He's here?"
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"- Yeah, he's here. - Why did you do this?"
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"- We were trying to teach you a lesson. - You idiots!"
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"- If he sees me with Wayne... - We'll be stuck with Barry."
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"I shall duck behind that little garbage car."
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"Guy's a pro."
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"And now, ladies and gentlemen..."
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"Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam."
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"And George Michael made his debut..."
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"Hey, that's my... Yikes."
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"breaking the pageant's cardinal rule."
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"How dare he!"
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"Oh, stop booing! There's nothing wrong with it."
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"There are dozens of us. Dozens!"
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"Buster arrived with Lucille Austero..."
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"and naturally assumed the yells of disgust were directed toward him."
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"- What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?"
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"Buster?"
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"Oh, God! I'm sorry."
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"I'm sorry, Lucille. Yeah. Lucille."
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"Ma, I'm sorry!"
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"Man! That old lady has really done a number on you, hasn't she?"
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"But George Michael wasn't the only problem with the painting."
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"- Where is God? - There is no God!"
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"There goes my credit card payment."
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"Dad! Dad!"
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"Hey! Dad!"
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"- Excuse me. - Dad!"
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"- Hey, Dad, get back here! - No! I'm not going back!"
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"Dad, come here!"
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"- Dad! - Michael, I'm onto you."
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"The Spanish lessons, the lawyer."
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"- If you're heading for Portugal, it's due south! - What? No, it isn't."
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"Dad, you're not gonna outrun me in that dress."
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"- Let go! For God's sakes, I'm not even wearing a jock. - Dad, are you going too?"
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"No one is going to Portugal, you idiot!"
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"Lindsay and I broke Dad out of jail for a day to catch Mom on a date."
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"Your mother is on a date? Oh."
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"Dad!"
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"Oh, oh."
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"- Dad? - And so, many in the Bluth family..."
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"gathered together for Christmas Eve... at prison."
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"- Hey, where'd your muscle suit go? - Wait. You knew?"
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"Yeah."
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