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Clips from MacGruber - A Good Day to Die (S01E01)

"So fuck my country!"
MacGruber
"And fuck you."
MacGruber
"[somber music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Merry Christmas, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"[buzzer blares]"
MacGruber
"[door opens, shuts]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Merry Christmas."
MacGruber
"[thunder rolling]"
MacGruber
"- * Happy birthday to you *"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- * Happy birthday to you * - Open it."
MacGruber
"[music box playing]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- * Happy birthday, dear MacGruber *"
MacGruber
"- Down now!"
MacGruber
"- Mommy!"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"[gasping]"
MacGruber
"[dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"[screaming]"
MacGruber
"- One flannel shirt."
MacGruber
"One tan vest."
MacGruber
"One pair of denim jeans."
MacGruber
"One wedding ring, gold."
MacGruber
"One pair of sunglasses."
MacGruber
"One locket, gold."
MacGruber
"One car stereo, Blaupunkt."
MacGruber
"Sign on the line."
MacGruber
"[inspiring dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"[gates buzzing]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Who let the dog out?"
MacGruber
"- This way, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"- You wish."
MacGruber
"- Sir, we have strict instructions"
MacGruber
"to take you straight to NSA headquarters."
MacGruber
"- Well, I'm sure you do."
MacGruber
"- I'm afraid this isn't a request."
MacGruber
"- Look..."
MacGruber
"I have one day left on this Earth."
MacGruber
"One fucking day."
MacGruber
"Please let me go say my goodbyes."
MacGruber
"- Sorry. My hands are tied."
MacGruber
"[solemn music]"
MacGruber
"- I understand."
MacGruber
"[sighs]"
MacGruber
"Shit. Shoelaces."
MacGruber
"[chuckles]"
MacGruber
"[grunts]"
MacGruber
"- [groans] - [shouting]"
MacGruber
"[all grunting]"
MacGruber
"[tense music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Damn it. Call it in."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Threat assessment."
MacGruber
"Awareness, detection, response."
MacGruber
"Always be on the lookout,"
MacGruber
"because if you're not on your game,"
MacGruber
"that's you in a body bag."
MacGruber
"So to recap,"
MacGruber
"U-turns are okay at an intersection"
MacGruber
"unless a sign explicitly prohibits it."
MacGruber
"Any other questions on U-turns?"
MacGruber
"- I have a question."
MacGruber
"[electric guitar slide]"
MacGruber
"- What the hell are you doing here?"
MacGruber
"- What happens if you've, uh, done something"
MacGruber
"that you regret with all your heart?"
MacGruber
"Something that made one of your most dependable allies"
MacGruber
"lose faith in you."
MacGruber
"Is it possible to, uh,"
MacGruber
"U-turn in that situation?"
MacGruber
"Like, say you murdered someone."
MacGruber
"Someone who deserved it."
MacGruber
"And then in court, you got really scared,"
MacGruber
"like shit your pants scared."
MacGruber
"So you pinned some of the blame on your friend--"
MacGruber
"who did throw you the murder weapon, by the way."
MacGruber
"But then that friend got kicked out of the military,"
MacGruber
"was forced to teach traffic school"
MacGruber
"to a bunch of fuckin' losers"
MacGruber
"'cause his life went down the toilet."
MacGruber
"Could that friend ever"
MacGruber
"U-turn his feelings"
MacGruber
"toward that friend who fucked his life,"
MacGruber
"if that friend-- the first friend,"
MacGruber
"the accused murderer--"
MacGruber
"was as sorry as the sorriest person"
MacGruber
"ever in the history of the universe?"
MacGruber
"[somber music]"
MacGruber
"[whispering] Hello, Piper."
MacGruber
"- Class dismissed. - No, not dismissed."
MacGruber
"Wait, Piper. Piper, bud!"
MacGruber
"Look, I blew it, with a capital B."
MacGruber
"- Blew it? You ruined my life."
MacGruber
"You took away everything I'd been working toward"
MacGruber
"and threw it in the garbage."
MacGruber
"- Yeah, and then I went to jail, dude."
MacGruber
"- So did I!"
MacGruber
"Five years for aiding and abetting."
MacGruber
"And now, thanks to you, I'm a convicted felon"
MacGruber
"and I'll never work in the military again."
MacGruber
"- No. For sure, you won't."
MacGruber
"And I apologize with my whole heart,"
MacGruber
"base to tip,"
MacGruber
"so you have to forgive me."
MacGruber
"- No, MacGruber. I will never ever forgive you."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Never ever say never ever."
MacGruber
"Remember I said that to you once?"
MacGruber
"And you said it back to me a couple days later?"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Come here. [chuckles]"
MacGruber
"- Fuck you, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
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