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Clips from MacGruber - A Good Day to Die (S01E01)

"I said, "I like things in my butt.""
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"So why don't you leave the kid alone"
MacGruber
"and come put your little rubber ball up inside me?"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Did you hear that, you fucking piece of shit?"
MacGruber
"- You got a death wish, man? - Why, are you a genie?"
MacGruber
"- No, I'm the guy who's gonna pound your fucking face in."
MacGruber
"- Nice to meet you, guy who's gonna pound my fucking face in."
MacGruber
"My name is let the kid go"
MacGruber
"or I'll kill you and all your fucking friends"
MacGruber
"Love Hewitt."
MacGruber
"But, hey, we're getting off track here, bud."
MacGruber
"You got a perfectly nice ball,"
MacGruber
"and I have a desire to have that ball up my butt."
MacGruber
"So I guess the only question is:"
MacGruber
"are you gonna jam it up there or am I?"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Lucky me."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"We done here?"
MacGruber
"[crowd shouting] - Hit him!"
MacGruber
"- [screaming]"
MacGruber
"[indistinct shouting]"
MacGruber
"- God damn it, Pierce. Shut this down now."
MacGruber
"- Yes, sir. - Wait a minute, son."
MacGruber
"I'd like to see this."
MacGruber
"[crowd cheering]"
MacGruber
"[grunting]"
MacGruber
"- Pretty satisfying main course so far."
MacGruber
"Hope you saved room for dessert."
MacGruber
"Or should I say...dis dirt!"
MacGruber
"- [shouts]"
MacGruber
"[groaning]"
MacGruber
"[crowd oohing]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- [chuckles]"
MacGruber
"[crowd cheering]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"all: [chanting] Throat rip! Throat rip, throat rip!"
MacGruber
"- Is this what you want?"
MacGruber
"- Yeah! - Is it?"
MacGruber
"- Shut it down."
MacGruber
"[gunshot]"
MacGruber
"[crowd clamoring]"
MacGruber
"[guards grunting]"
MacGruber
"- Sorry, bud, but for you,"
MacGruber
"that's all she throat."
MacGruber
"[screaming, Taser crackling]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Open 104. [buzzer blares]"
MacGruber
"[suspenseful music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Well, well, well."
MacGruber
"If it isn't my old friend,"
MacGruber
"Lieutenant Colonel Barrett Fasoose."
MacGruber
"- [sighs] It's General Fasoose now."
MacGruber
"- Sorry, General."
MacGruber
"Who's the cherry?"
MacGruber
"- Major Harold Kernst, NSA. It's an honor to meet you, sir."
MacGruber
"- Save the fuckin' Boy Scout shit for someone"
MacGruber
"who gives a flying funk."
MacGruber
"- I'll cut to the chase."
MacGruber
"We need you, MacGruber."
MacGruber
"- Of course you do."
MacGruber
"- The government is prepared to release you from prison,"
MacGruber
"restore your pension, and grant you a full pardon."
MacGruber
"- Oh, a full pardon!"
MacGruber
"You mean, for a crime I didn't commit?"
MacGruber
"- You killed an unarmed man"
MacGruber
"in front of 75 people at your own wedding."
MacGruber
"- Unarmed?"
MacGruber
"He shot a rocket-propelled RPG at our wedding pagoda!"
MacGruber
"- You could've just arrested him."
MacGruber
"Instead you threw him off a cliff,"
MacGruber
"riddled him with bullets,"
MacGruber
"and urinated on his corpse."
MacGruber
"- Cunth deserved everything he got, and you know that."
MacGruber
"- Well, the jury felt differently."
MacGruber
"- Well, fuck the fucking jury."
MacGruber
"- Look, Mac, I understand you're angry,"
MacGruber
"but we're offering you a way out here."
MacGruber
"And this one comes all the way from the top."
MacGruber
"[somber music]"
MacGruber
"- The President?"
MacGruber
"Oh, my God."
MacGruber
"I-I've been waiting for this day for ten years."
MacGruber
"Oh, my God, I'm a free man."
MacGruber
"- There's a catch."
MacGruber
"It's a suicide mission, Mac."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Major, give us a second."
MacGruber
"- Sir."
MacGruber
"[door creaks open and closes]"
MacGruber
"- In exactly 46 hours,"
MacGruber
"there's going to be a hostage exchange."
MacGruber
"- And I'm the hostage."
MacGruber
"- The kidnappers requested you specifically."
MacGruber
"- Flattering."
MacGruber
"- They left this as some kind of calling card."
MacGruber
"Said it would explain your death sentence."
MacGruber
"[snarling]"
MacGruber
"[mysterious music]"
MacGruber
"Look familiar?"
MacGruber
"[gunfire]"
MacGruber
"- [shouting]"
MacGruber
"Never seen it before."
MacGruber
"- Shame, 'cause this is all we've got."
MacGruber
"- Well, sucks to be you."
MacGruber
"Look, super tempting offer,"
MacGruber
"but it's a hard pass. [flings coin]"
MacGruber
"- Mac, it's not for me. It's for your country."
MacGruber
"- Oh, for my country, huh?"
MacGruber
"Let me tell you a little something about my country."
MacGruber
"I risked my life for my country."
MacGruber
"I saved her from a fuckin' nuclear holocaust."
MacGruber
"And what did my country do for me?"
MacGruber
"Destroyed my marriage,"
MacGruber
"took a dump in my reputation's mouth,"
MacGruber
"and caged me like a wild animal."
MacGruber
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