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Clips from Never Have I Ever - ...had a valentine (S03E03)

"Well, it is gonna cost you big time."
Never Have I Ever
"Haley."
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"Damn it."
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"No, I don't. No! I never said that."
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"-Is she laughing? That's five bucks then. -[Haley] I'm not laughing."
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"[scoffs]"
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"How'd the rest of your Valentine's go? Did you break up with--"
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"Ah! My boyfriend."
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"I'm gonna take that as a no."
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"No, I didn't break up with him. Instead, I used him to get to his uncle."
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"I'm gonna need you to elaborate on that."
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"His uncle's Captain Joe."
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"The blinds guy?"
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"Yep, and I weaseled my way into one of his commercials."
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"Oh my God, Eleanor, you're gonna be in a commercial?"
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"Yeah, but I feel really gross about it."
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"So what are you gonna do?"
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"I think I have to let both Trent and the commercial go."
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"Maybe one of these days I'll meet someone who's right for me,"
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"whose uncle also makes commercials."
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"And so Eric shows me Paxton's card, and it's frigging Haley."
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"Are you worried that something is going on between them?"
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"I don't know."
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"I don't think so."
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"It's just… Why else would he lie?"
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"Well, it was wrong for Paxton to be dishonest."
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"But why do you care so much about this test?"
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"It's just…"
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"when I see him talking to Haley, I feel really jealous."
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"They look so good together."
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"Like, no one would bat an eye if you said that they were a couple."
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"And you think you and Paxton are getting tons of eye bats?"
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"I can't help but worry that this is some weird phase for him"
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"where he dates a quirky, smart girl."
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"And at any moment, he's gonna be like,"
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""Yo, you know what I miss?""
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""Superhot models with six-pack abs and, like, symmetrical boobs.""
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"[laughs]"
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"First of all, girl, nobody has symmetrical boobs."
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"Everybody's got a Biggie and a Smalls."
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"And secondly, that way of thinking is selling you both short."
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"-Like, look at this girl. -Do I have to?"
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"[Devi] Yes. Look at her stories."
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"Here she is doing a cool dance, ironically. [scoffs]"
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"And here she is doing Pilates. Probably without even queefing."
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"-And here she is playing paintball. -[Haley laughing]"
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"Wait, she's playing paintball? Doc, I gotta go."
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"Devi, don't. Let's work through this."
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"Devi, don't go--"
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"[sighs]"
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"Shit."
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"[mouth full] Mmm, an açaí bowl. I never had one of these before."
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"-Really? -[Nalini] Mm-mm."
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"Oh, açaí bowls are great."
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"They're loaded with antioxidants, fiber. They boost brain function."
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"But really, they're just a way to eat tons of sugar and pretend it's healthy for you."
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"-[Nalini chuckles] -[Rhyah laughs]"
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"You sound like my husband. He had a huge sweet tooth."
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"One time he had three Pizookies."
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"That's a cookie the size of a pie."
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"Got very sick to the stomach."
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"But even in severe abdominal pain, he was still able to make me laugh."
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"[chuckles]"
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"I'm sorry, Nalini. Must be really difficult without him."
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"Yesterday was harder than I expected, you know."
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"I always thought Valentine's Day was stupid, but last night…"
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"[inhales deeply]"
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"…I would've given anything for him to walk through the door"
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"with a $5 teddy bear from the gas station."
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"I wish you could've had that too."
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"Saw a picture of him in your office. Good for you, girl."
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"[both laugh]"
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"-He was nice to look at, wasn't he? -[Rhyah] Mmm."
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"But that's not what I miss most about him."
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"I truly just miss having my best friend around."
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"Well, it sounds like a new friend is just what's needed."
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"Let's do something fun. Have you ever had a blowout?"
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"I fear this açaí bowl may lead to one."
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"[laughs]"
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"No. No, no. I meant your hair. There's a blow-dry bar over there."
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"-No, please. [chuckles] -[Rhyah laughs]"
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"-I'm so embarrassed. -[laughs]"
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"Sounds like fun."
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"What up? Let's get our P-ball on."
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"Hey, I didn't think you wanted to play."
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"I changed my mind."
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"As I always say,"
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"a couple that shoots guns together has funs together--"
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"-[paintball gun fires] -Ah!"
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"Wow, that is a sensitive trigger."
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"[chuckles] Dope."
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"Well, we already picked teams, but Trent's team is down a person."
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"Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'll be on Trent's team."
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"All right, cool. Let's go!"
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"Welcome to the squad, Crazy Devi."
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"Okay, I've given it some thought, and here's our strategy."
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"If you see someone on the other team, shoot paintballs at them,"
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"and then the second part of that strategy is"
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"don't let them shoot paintballs that hit you."
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"Oh, and be careful 'cause Haley's a sick shot."
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"[scoffs] How good could she be?"
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"-Jesus. -Yeah, she and Paxton are gonna smoke us."
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"Oh, which reminds me. I'm gonna get high before we do this."
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"[McEnroe] As Devi looked over"
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"at the so-called perfect match of Haley and Paxton,"
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"she realized she had let this dumb compatibility test mess with her head,"
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"and the only way to go forward was to let the test go."
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"But also, she decided the only way she could let the test go"
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"is if she kicked Haley's ass at paintball"
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"proving that she was Paxton's true perfect match."
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"What? You thought she was gonna be mature about this?"
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"-["Not About You" by Haiku Hands playing] -[paintball guns firing]"
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"♪ It's not about you ♪"
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"♪ All talk, hold court Oh Lord, I understood… ♪"
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"[groans]"
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"[gasps] Wow. Am I amazing at this?"
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"[paintball gun firing]"
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"♪ Shut up ♪"
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"♪ It's not about me either… ♪"
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"-[paintball gun firing] -Ow."
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