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Clips from MacGruber - The Architect (S01E01)

- Come on, pick up! Pick up! Pick up!

"- Come on, pick up! Pick up! Pick up!"

MacGruber

[line trilling] Oh, come on!

"[line trilling] Oh, come on!"

MacGruber

[phone rings]

"[phone rings]"

MacGruber

- This is Kernst.

"- This is Kernst."

MacGruber

- Major, it's MacGruber.

"- Major, it's MacGruber."

MacGruber

You seeing this Ecuador shit?

"You seeing this Ecuador shit?"

MacGruber

- You son of a bitch! - What?

"- You son of a bitch! - What?"

MacGruber

- Oh, cut the crap. You played me.

"- Oh, cut the crap. You played me."

MacGruber

- Sir, the only thing I've been playing

"- Sir, the only thing I've been playing"

MacGruber

is with Vicki's beautiful breasts and vagina

"is with Vicki's beautiful breasts and vagina"

MacGruber

for ten straight hours, minus bathroom breaks.

"for ten straight hours, minus bathroom breaks."

MacGruber

So you mind telling me what the hell you're talking about?

"So you mind telling me what the hell you're talking about?"

MacGruber

- You sold us down the river.

"- You sold us down the river."

MacGruber

This raid on Queeth's compound

"This raid on Queeth's compound"

MacGruber

was supposed to be the end of this thing.

"was supposed to be the end of this thing."

MacGruber

You said Brimstone was contained.

"You said Brimstone was contained."

MacGruber

- Uh, yeah, I thought it was.

"- Uh, yeah, I thought it was."

MacGruber

But clearly someone is still behind it!

"But clearly someone is still behind it!"

MacGruber

Someone terribly evil. Someone who has to be stopped.

"Someone terribly evil. Someone who has to be stopped."

MacGruber

- Oh, yeah. I'm talking to him right now.

"- Oh, yeah. I'm talking to him right now."

MacGruber

- Oh, thank God. Okay, Kernst, listen carefully.

"- Oh, thank God. Okay, Kernst, listen carefully."

MacGruber

You have to keep him on the line

"You have to keep him on the line"

MacGruber

and trace that telephone call

"and trace that telephone call"

MacGruber

so we can find out exactly where--

"so we can find out exactly where--"

MacGruber

- MacGruber! I'm talking about you.

"- MacGruber! I'm talking about you."

MacGruber

- Oh, you're fucking insane!

"- Oh, you're fucking insane!"

MacGruber

- Special agents in Ecuador found DNA

"- Special agents in Ecuador found DNA"

MacGruber

on a dispersal device,

"on a dispersal device,"

MacGruber

and it's a presumptive match to you!

"and it's a presumptive match to you!"

MacGruber

- Come on, this is clearly a frame job.

"- Come on, this is clearly a frame job."

MacGruber

Queeth's final fuck you from the grave.

"Queeth's final fuck you from the grave."

MacGruber

You gotta believe me. I'm one of the good guys.

"You gotta believe me. I'm one of the good guys."

MacGruber

I got nothing to hide.

"I got nothing to hide."

MacGruber

- If that's true, then come turn yourself in right now.

"- If that's true, then come turn yourself in right now."

MacGruber

- You know I can't do that.

"- You know I can't do that."

MacGruber

- Well, I guess we both know how this is gonna end.

"- Well, I guess we both know how this is gonna end."

MacGruber

- Yeah, with you putting a medal around my neck.

"- Yeah, with you putting a medal around my neck."

MacGruber

- Or a bullet in your head.

"- Or a bullet in your head."

MacGruber

- Tomato, "toe-ma-toe."

"- Tomato, "toe-ma-toe.""

MacGruber

- MacGruber, I'ma give you one last chance.

"- MacGruber, I'ma give you one last chance."

MacGruber

Every law enforcement officer in the country

"Every law enforcement officer in the country"

MacGruber

will be looking for you,

"will be looking for you,"

MacGruber

and the orders will be shoot to kill.

"and the orders will be shoot to kill."

MacGruber

- Major, Queeth may be dead now,

"- Major, Queeth may be dead now,"

MacGruber

but someone is keeping his plan in motion,

"but someone is keeping his plan in motion,"

MacGruber

and you're seriously asking me to stand down?

"and you're seriously asking me to stand down?"

MacGruber

- I'm not asking.

"- I'm not asking."

MacGruber

- Well, in that case, catch me if you can.

"- Well, in that case, catch me if you can."

MacGruber

[dramatic music]

"[dramatic music]"

MacGruber

* *

"* *"

MacGruber

- Put it up.

"- Put it up."

MacGruber

[dramatic music]

"[dramatic music]"

MacGruber

* *

"* *"

MacGruber

- * MacGruber *

"- * MacGruber *"

MacGruber

[fire crackles]

"[fire crackles]"

MacGruber

["O Christmas Tree" playing]

"["O Christmas Tree" playing]"

MacGruber

* *

"* *"

MacGruber

- * Oh, Christmas tree *

"- * Oh, Christmas tree *"

MacGruber

- May I have this dance?

"- May I have this dance?"

MacGruber

- Aww.

"- Aww."

MacGruber

Oh, watch out for the gingerbread house.

"Oh, watch out for the gingerbread house."

MacGruber

Spent all morning on that thing.

"Spent all morning on that thing."

MacGruber

- Sorry.

"- Sorry."

MacGruber

- Whoops. [both laugh]

"- Whoops. [both laugh]"

MacGruber

[baby babbles]

"[baby babbles]"

MacGruber

- God, I love our life.

"- God, I love our life."

MacGruber

- Well, that's good to hear because I have some big news.

"- Well, that's good to hear because I have some big news."

MacGruber

Dixon, I'm pregnant.

"Dixon, I'm pregnant."

MacGruber

- We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

"- We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

MacGruber

- Oh, geez, thank God you're still alive!

"- Oh, geez, thank God you're still alive!"

MacGruber

We are so fucked!

"We are so fucked!"

MacGruber

[baby cries]

"[baby cries]"

MacGruber

- Aww, little one, don't cry. Everything's okay.

"- Aww, little one, don't cry. Everything's okay."

MacGruber

[mouths words]

"[mouths words]"

MacGruber

- Jesus Christ, what are you guys doing here?

"- Jesus Christ, what are you guys doing here?"

MacGruber

- Haven't you been watching the news?

"- Haven't you been watching the news?"

MacGruber

The poisonous cloud over Ecuador?

"The poisonous cloud over Ecuador?"

MacGruber

Somehow Queeth's plan is still on.

"Somehow Queeth's plan is still on."

MacGruber

- That's impossible.

"- That's impossible."

MacGruber

- Tens of thousands of people have been reported dead,

"- Tens of thousands of people have been reported dead,"

MacGruber

and we can only assume

"and we can only assume"

MacGruber

that number is going to rise in the coming days.

"that number is going to rise in the coming days."

MacGruber

- Holy shit. But I thought Queeth was dead!

"- Holy shit. But I thought Queeth was dead!"

MacGruber

I thought this was over.

"I thought this was over."

MacGruber

- Checkers, the only thing that's over

"- Checkers, the only thing that's over"

MacGruber

is the amount that this motherfucker is not over.

"is the amount that this motherfucker is not over."

MacGruber

I mean, we are in grave danger here!

"I mean, we are in grave danger here!"

MacGruber

Ooh, can I play with your baby?

"Ooh, can I play with your baby?"

MacGruber

- Authorities are looking for this man--

"- Authorities are looking for this man--"

MacGruber

former military officer MacGruber.

"former military officer MacGruber."

MacGruber

- Oh, look, there's Uncle MacGruber.

"- Oh, look, there's Uncle MacGruber."

MacGruber

- Jesus, you're wanted?

"- Jesus, you're wanted?"

MacGruber

- Oh, yeah, super wanted. Like, shoot to kill.

"- Oh, yeah, super wanted. Like, shoot to kill."

MacGruber

Hell, I mean, for all I know,

"Hell, I mean, for all I know,"

MacGruber

they could have their scopes on me right now.

"they could have their scopes on me right now."

MacGruber

Oh, look at that!

"Oh, look at that!"

MacGruber

Is that your little playset, bud?

"Is that your little playset, bud?"

MacGruber

Huh? Oh, that's so cute. I'm jealous, and I'm an adult.

"Huh? Oh, that's so cute. I'm jealous, and I'm an adult."

MacGruber

Huh? Is that--

"Huh? Is that--"

MacGruber

Oh, what? No. Aww.

"Oh, what? No. Aww."

MacGruber

Now, let's focus up. We got a terrorist to catch.

"Now, let's focus up. We got a terrorist to catch."

MacGruber

Now, I won't go as far as to say that

"Now, I won't go as far as to say that"

MacGruber

this is a "Mission: Impossible,"

"this is a "Mission: Impossible,""

MacGruber

but at the very least, it's a "Mission: Very Hard."

"but at the very least, it's a "Mission: Very Hard.""

MacGruber

No clues, no leads.

"No clues, no leads."

MacGruber

Hell, everyone we knew

"Hell, everyone we knew"

MacGruber

who was involved with the plan is dead now.

"who was involved with the plan is dead now."

MacGruber

- Well...not everyone.

"- Well...not everyone."

MacGruber

[dramatic music]

"[dramatic music]"

MacGruber

* *

"* *"

MacGruber

- Everyone got their covers down?

"- Everyone got their covers down?"

MacGruber

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

"- Uh-huh. - Yeah."

MacGruber

- Look, these are actual IDs I stole from the NSA,

"- Look, these are actual IDs I stole from the NSA,"

MacGruber

and I just tweaked them a little bit.

"and I just tweaked them a little bit."

MacGruber

So don't worry. We got this.

"So don't worry. We got this."

MacGruber

- ID, please.

"- ID, please."

MacGruber

So your name is Sharold?

"So your name is Sharold?"

MacGruber

- Of course my name is Sharold. Sharold Kernst.

"- Of course my name is Sharold. Sharold Kernst."

MacGruber

- Interesting name.

"- Interesting name."

MacGruber

- It's a family name.

"- It's a family name."

MacGruber

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