Loading...
You're not connected to the Internet. Please check your connection.

Clips from MacGruber - The Scientist (S01E01)

"I'm almost there already. I'm about there."
MacGruber
"I'm about there! I'm about to cut it!"
MacGruber
"I'm about to get it! - Yes!"
MacGruber
"- Oh, you know I'm about to get it!"
MacGruber
"You see me getting it! - Yeah!"
MacGruber
"- You're feeling me getting it! I'm about to get it!"
MacGruber
"- Yes! - I'm about to finish!"
MacGruber
"- Oh, my God! - Ah!"
MacGruber
"[alarm powers down] - Oh!"
MacGruber
"- Got it."
MacGruber
"Nice work. - Wow."
MacGruber
"Oh, my God. Okay."
MacGruber
"- So, MacGruber, can you please explain"
MacGruber
"why we're avoiding telling the U.S. government"
MacGruber
"that some maniac just got his hands"
MacGruber
"on a weapon of mass destruction?"
MacGruber
"- Piper, why do you think I hid that stuff in a fucking cave"
MacGruber
"for the past 20 years?"
MacGruber
"For gits and shiggles?"
MacGruber
"No, I hid it because no government on Earth"
MacGruber
"should have it, not even the USA."
MacGruber
"I mean, we're talking about a world-ender here, Piper."
MacGruber
"I don't know about you, but I kind of like the world."
MacGruber
"[sentimental music]"
MacGruber
"I like sunsets."
MacGruber
"I like snowcapped mountains."
MacGruber
"I like kicking back with a cold Molson and watching the game."
MacGruber
"I like babies and kettle corn."
MacGruber
"Monster trucks and puppy dogs."
MacGruber
"I like the tig, ol' bitties and bunchin' mox."
MacGruber
"I even like cancer and type 2 diabetes"
MacGruber
"because they remind me that life is precious."
MacGruber
"And that is why it is imperative"
MacGruber
"that we keep this shit out of Queeth's hands!"
MacGruber
"- But you just gave Queeth the weapon!"
MacGruber
"- You know what?"
MacGruber
"I'm gonna start calling you Checkers,"
MacGruber
"'cause that's the game you're playing."
MacGruber
"But me? I play chess."
MacGruber
"The thinking man's game."
MacGruber
"And if you want to win at chess,"
MacGruber
"you got to think outside the bun"
MacGruber
"'cause that's how you win at chess, Checkers."
MacGruber
"Checksmate. We good here?"
MacGruber
"- No, we're not good here."
MacGruber
"We should tell the general and get his help."
MacGruber
"- We don't need his help! All right?"
MacGruber
"We can do this ourselves."
MacGruber
"I mean, don't you see?"
MacGruber
"You're not a driving instructor, Checkers."
MacGruber
"[inspirational music]"
MacGruber
"And, Vicki, you're not a housewife."
MacGruber
"You're soldiers, and you always will be."
MacGruber
"- You're gonna get us all killed."
MacGruber
"- [sighs]"
MacGruber
"Vicki, can you give us a second?"
MacGruber
"- Sure. - But stay here."
MacGruber
"- Yeah."
MacGruber
"- I want you to hear this."
MacGruber
"Would it change your mind, Checkers,"
MacGruber
"if I told you that Enos Queeth murdered my mother?"
MacGruber
"- [gasps]"
MacGruber
"- What? - Yeah."
MacGruber
"I want to tell you guys a little story"
MacGruber
"that I've only told about 40 other people."
MacGruber
"[tense music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Back in the day,"
MacGruber
"Queeth and my father were fast friends."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Actually served in the military together."
MacGruber
"Oorah."
MacGruber
"But when my father made full bird colonel in record time,"
MacGruber
"it sent Queeth into a jealous rage."
MacGruber
"The night of my fifth birthday,"
MacGruber
"he came over to our house"
MacGruber
"looking to put an end to my father's life."
MacGruber
"Instead, he ended our family."
MacGruber
"Put a bullet in my mother's head."
MacGruber
"splattered her brains all over my face and cake."
MacGruber
"Happy birthday to me."
MacGruber
"My father was inconsolable."
MacGruber
"Queeth stole the love of his life."
MacGruber
"Went into a deep depression."
MacGruber
"Tried to fill the void with the drugs and liqueurs."
MacGruber
"Long story short,"
MacGruber
"Queeth fucking ruined him."
MacGruber
"So the day I turned 18, I went down"
MacGruber
"and I joined the Green Berets, Navy SEALs, and Coast Guard"
MacGruber
"and made it my life's mission to take Queeth down."
MacGruber
"So, you see, this isn't just any mission for me."
MacGruber
"This is personal."
MacGruber
"- I remain in."
MacGruber
"- Thank you, soldier."
MacGruber
"- Fine. - Checkers, really?"
MacGruber
"- Yes, but please stop calling me Checkers."
MacGruber
"- Of course."
MacGruber
"Now let's go stop this son of a bitch."
MacGruber
"- Yeah, and how are we gonna do that?"
MacGruber
"We have exactly zero leads."
MacGruber
"- Guess again, Checkers."
MacGruber
"Queeth's go-to scientist, Irina Poliskaya."
MacGruber
"- The world's preeminent chemist"
MacGruber
"in the field of organophosphates."
MacGruber
"She's got every degree in the book."
MacGruber
"- And a heart as black as the coal in Queeth's stocking."
MacGruber
"- So you think she's gonna synthesize Brimstone?"
MacGruber
"- I bet your baby's life on it. - MacGruber!"
MacGruber
"- Vicki, I don't want Piper's baby to get murdered"
MacGruber
"or even die of natural causes,"
MacGruber
"but that's how certain I am."
MacGruber
"Poliskaya is our synthesizer."
MacGruber
"- Well, then we need to find her and get to her"
MacGruber
"before Queeth does."
MacGruber
"[keyboard clicking] - ICDAG."
MacGruber
"The International Chemical Defense Association Gala."
MacGruber
"- [slurs words] ...Gala!"
MacGruber
"Yeah, I know it well."
MacGruber
"The International...Gala."
MacGruber
"Yeah, that's right. I know it very well."
MacGruber
Show more clips