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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Cloak of Duplication (S03E03)

"And behind this door..."
What We Do in the Shadows
"the Chamber of Curiosities."
What We Do in the Shadows
"The treasures of many generations of vampires"
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"gathered from around the world and collected here."
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"Ageless, timeless, marvelous artifacts."
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"But be warned:"
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"some of this stuff is inordinately powerful"
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"and not to be monkeyed about with!"
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"‐Don't fuck with that! ‐Oh. ‐Colin Robinson."
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"What a Charlie. ‐But some of it is just for fun."
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"Does this look familiar?"
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"No. What is it?"
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"- ‐Oh, only Van Helsing's dick. - ‐"
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"Come on, Guillermo."
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"Not everyone is lucky enough"
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"to hold their great‐great‐great‐ great‐grandfather's penis"
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"‐in their hands. ‐Hmm."
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"I know I certainly would have liked to."
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"‐ ‐ What the hell was that?"
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"Let us hush our voices, all right?"
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"We don't want to rile him."
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"Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire."
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"‐ The actual Sire? ‐The Sire?"
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"‐The one and only. ‐Who‐who's The Sire?"
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"The Sire is the oldest living vampire in the world."
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"He's the vampire from which all other vampires have descended."
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"All of them."
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"Do not ever open this door."
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"‐Peekaboo. ‐"
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"‐ As I was saying,"
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"‐Do not ever open... ‐Open the door."
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"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it."
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"Ooh. What is this?"
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"Don't monkey about with that!"
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"‐This is the Cloak of Duplication. ‐The what?"
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"Everyone, you might want to see this."
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"It's pretty cool."
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"‐I'll show you. ‐Duplication?"
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"Observe."
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"Boop."
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"‐See? Crazy, right? - Good Lord."
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"Amazing."
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"A magical cloak that makes the wearer"
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"instantly much more good‐looking."
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"That is a matter of opinion."
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"I am kidding."
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"I get the principle that"
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"it makes someone look like someone else."
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"Very good."
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"‐Oh, it's you again. ‐But no one should touch it."
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"Even I, full‐time staff,"
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"should not be monkeying about with it."
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"And over here is the familiars' room."
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"You can store him here until the end of the workday."
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"Scoot, scoot."
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"He's not actually a familiar."
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"- ‐He is our bodyguard. - Bodyguard."
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"We cannot allow a human to wander free here."
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"Unless you are making him a vampire."
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"‐Not a chance. Absolutely not. ‐No, absolutely not. No."
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"- ‐That was a really quick answer. - Sorry, Guillermo."
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"There's nothing we can do."
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"Scoot, scoot."
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"And the door stays open, I'm assum‐‐"
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"‐Hey. What? ‐Buh‐bye."
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"I feel much better about that."
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"- Hell's bells. - Shit."
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"My giddy aunt."
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"To the scholar of the printed page,"
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"this place is Valhalla."
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"And what I'd dismissed as rumor is actually true,"
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"for this Vampiric Council holds the world's"
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"oldest and largest collection of pornography."
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"The Knobnomicon."
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"Everything a chap and chapess"
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"would need to know about fellatio."
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"What else have we got?"
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"Gutenberg's‐‐ oh, yes‐‐ Vaginaria."
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"That's an original."
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"Oh, this is, uh, Tocqueville's Lusty Discharge Pamphlet,"
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"with discharge on it, by the feel of it."
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"Egypt's Longest Penises."
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"Roy Cohn, Esquire's 169 Sex Positions."
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"Bet you didn't know that existed."
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"What's this?"
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"Aristotle's Book of Poetics Two."
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"Is that code?"
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"No."
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"Hey, I found them!"
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"‐The archives. ‐Okay."
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"‐ ‐This year, I am turning 100 years old."
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"It's kind of got me in a reflective mood."
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"Everything you want to know about vampires"
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"and vampire lineage, it's right here."
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"There's so much I want to know."
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"Where do I come from?"
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"How did I become an energy vampire?"
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"Was I turned,"
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"or in the words of Stefani Germanotta,"
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"was I born this way?"
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"‐ ‐I said to myself, "Colin,""
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"I says. I says,"
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""Before you turn 100 years old,"
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""you are going to find out who you are"
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"and where you come from.""
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"Uh, I says."
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"The deets have got to be in here."
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"I mean, this is"
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"a climate‐controlled fortress,"
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"built to preserve documents"
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"for all eternity."
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"So it's..."
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"What‐what are you doing?"
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"Why are you ripping that page out of that book?"
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"I'll wank my way, and you wank yours."
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"Oh, wow. It's really dusty in here."
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"Time for your official council vestments, eh?"
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"Hey, easy there."
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"It's a robe."
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"- ‐Why do you need my inseam? - He's a 44 long!"
What We Do in the Shadows
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