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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Matrimonial Momentum (S09E09)

"You know what, Sheldon, you've made this really easy."
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"You're immature, you're selfish,"
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"you just insulted me to my face."
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"I don't need any more time to think. We're broken up."
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"Amy..."
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"Will someone take me home?"
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"Yeah. Come on, I'll give you a ride."
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"...symbolizes your eternal love."
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"I now pronounce you husband and wife."
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"We did it!"
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"I'm so glad you guys could watch!"
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"We'll say it was beautiful in the comment section."
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"No, no, no. Hang on."
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"I believe I'm supposed to carry you across the threshold."
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"Can you?"
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"Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed"
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"when he falls asleep in front of the TV?"
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"Okay, let's do it."
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"- You gonna make it? - I'm okay!"
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"Nicely done!"
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"Thank you."
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"Finally, there's a Mrs. Hofstadter"
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"who isn't disappointed in me."
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"Well, the night is still young."
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"Everything all right?"
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"Yeah. I guess."
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"Just tell me."
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"It's just, when we were kissing,"
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"I couldn't help but picture you with that other girl."
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"Oh, no."
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"No, come on."
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"I have a friend in you."
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"You said so."
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"You're right. Just forget it."
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"Yeah."
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"Okay, listen. Uh..."
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"If you're imagining that it was sexy,"
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"it wasn't."
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"We-we were both drunk, and she smelled like an ashtray."
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"The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth."
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"Did you feel guilty?"
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"No, she had dental insurance."
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"Did you feel guilty after kissing her?"
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"Yes. I felt guilty as soon as it happened."
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"I feel guilty every time I see her."
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"What do you mean, every time you see her?"
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"What... do I mean?"
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"Boy, that's a toughie."
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"You still see her?"
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"Well, no, not socially."
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"But, you know, just at work."
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"You work with her?!"
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"How could you not tell me that?!"
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"I wanted to tell you in the car, but you told me to stop talking!"
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"Oh, okay. So you're saying this is my fault?"
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"No, of course not."
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"Okay, l-look,"
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"instead of fighting,"
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"why don't we dim the lights,"
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"um, get naked and make a baby?"
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"I was trying to lighten the mood."
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"It's not easy. You try it."
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"Hello, Mother."
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"Shelly! How's my baby doing?"
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"I just wanted to let you know"
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"that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers."
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"Unless you're open to praying for"
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"a beehive to fall on her head."
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"Oh, what's going on?"
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"She broke up with me."
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"Oh, Shelly."
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"No, I'll be okay."
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"But I think that I'd like"
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"to send the ring back to you."
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"Well, let's not be hasty."
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"Are you sure it's over for good?"
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"It's over for me. I'm done with women."
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"Like when I swore off Pop Rocks."
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"They both hurt you on purpose."
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"You want to tell me what happened?"
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"Are you going to say it's all part of God's plan?"
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"Good chance."
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"Then no, thank you."
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"Well, honey, don't send it back yet."
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"Your sister's married, and I'm not letting your brother"
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"give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating."
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"Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?"
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"When your idiot brother redeems mankind,"
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"he can date whoever he wants."
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"I know it hurts now, but it's gonna get better."
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"Yeah."
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"Everything's gonna be okay."
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"You've got so much to offer."
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"Thank you."
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"Any man would be lucky to have you."
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"That's true."
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"I just hope I did the right thing."
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"I'm sure you did."
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"Maybe that's the problem-- you always do the right thing."
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"Maybe it's time to do the wrong thing."
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"Like you're doing right now?"
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"Exactly."
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"I asked you over and over if you were okay."
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"Why would you go through with the wedding if you weren't?"
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"I thought I was okay, but it turns out I'm not."
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"Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful,"
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"but you, you are not easy to lift!"
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"Well, marriage must agree with you."
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"Well, you are just glowing."
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"I'm not glowing."
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"I'm upset."
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"Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you."
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"Knock, knock, knock, Penny?"
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"Knock, knock, knock, Penny?"
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"What's this?"
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"Leonard told me what happened,"
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"so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage."
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"Oh. That's so sweet of you."
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"Yeah. I know."
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"Turns out, being sweet"
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