Loading...

You're not connected to the Internet. Please check your connection.

Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy's in a Love Triangle! (S01E01)

Am I mad? Am I mad?!

"Am I mad? Am I mad?!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I am mad.

"I am mad."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

When I auditioned to be Dr. Van Peebles,

"When I auditioned to be Dr. Van Peebles,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

you told me, and I don't quote, I was amazing.

"you told me, and I don't quote, I was amazing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But then you cast Rick?

"But then you cast Rick?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know what to tell you, Titus.

"I don't know what to tell you, Titus."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Dr. Van Peebles has to play as straight.

"Dr. Van Peebles has to play as straight."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, the show ends with him marrying The Cyclops Bride.

"I mean, the show ends with him marrying The Cyclops Bride."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Good show, Rick.

"Good show, Rick."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't know, honey.

"I don't know, honey."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Have you tried talking the batteries out of the remote

"Have you tried talking the batteries out of the remote"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and putting them back in?

"and putting them back in?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, don't cry.

"Well, don't cry."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Come on, Michael.

"Come on, Michael."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Michael?

"Michael?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Michael?

"Michael?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why, he's as gay as I want to be.

"Why, he's as gay as I want to be."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We are here today to discuss the terms of the divorce

"We are here today to discuss the terms of the divorce"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees.

"of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Thank you for joining me. I know you're both very busy.

"Thank you for joining me. I know you're both very busy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Wait. What? - They're getting divorced?

"- Wait. What? - They're getting divorced?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I have been authorized to assure you

"I have been authorized to assure you"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

that it's not your fault,

"that it's not your fault,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

they don't love you any less,

"they don't love you any less,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

grown-up relationships are complicated,

"grown-up relationships are complicated,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

et cetera, et cetera.

"et cetera, et cetera."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh.

"Oh."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Great, now if you would initial here

"Great, now if you would initial here"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to indicate that you received a hug.

"to indicate that you received a hug."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And here to acknowledge that you were comforted.

"And here to acknowledge that you were comforted."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Great.

"Great."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Wait, what's the deal with custody?

"Wait, what's the deal with custody?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What is the deal with custody?

"What is the deal with custody?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan.

"It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, you're really asking. Hold on.

"Oh, you're really asking. Hold on."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You know what? I know it's back here.

"You know what? I know it's back here."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's one of these.

"It's one of these."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Honestly, Titus, I was just like you.

"Honestly, Titus, I was just like you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was always getting typecast

"I was always getting typecast"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

as the funny gay guy who works at the police station.

"as the funny gay guy who works at the police station."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's not even a thing.

"That's not even a thing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Or the sassy best friend who makes up words.

"Or the sassy best friend who makes up words."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Like "snowbesity."

"Like "snowbesity.""

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's when you don't know if someone's fat or not

"It's when you don't know if someone's fat or not"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'cause they're wearing a winter coat.

"'cause they're wearing a winter coat."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But then I turned my career around,

"But then I turned my career around,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

thanks to Le Loup.

"thanks to Le Loup."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

For realsies?

"For realsies?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

For realisingtons.

"For realisingtons."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He's tough, but last month, I booked a radio ad

"He's tough, but last month, I booked a radio ad"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

for a paintball range.

"for a paintball range."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The straightest of all weekend activities.

"The straightest of all weekend activities."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay.

"Okay."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My parents are getting divorced.

"My parents are getting divorced."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Two Christmases! Yes!

"Two Christmases! Yes!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You bitch.

"You bitch."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A female dog? The thing that makes puppies?

"A female dog? The thing that makes puppies?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Nice compliment, Xan.

"Nice compliment, Xan."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why would you tell Jacqueline to divorce my dad?

"Why would you tell Jacqueline to divorce my dad?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Now she's stripping our Hamptons house for copper wire,

"Now she's stripping our Hamptons house for copper wire,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I have to go live in Connecticut

"and I have to go live in Connecticut"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

with my mom and Roger and their gross babies.

"with my mom and Roger and their gross babies."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay, first of all,

"Okay, first of all,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I never made your stepmom do anything,

"I never made your stepmom do anything,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

except for the time she made me make her eat a peanut M&M.

"except for the time she made me make her eat a peanut M&M."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Whoa, that's a big phone.

"Whoa, that's a big phone."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How has my life been ruined by someone so stupid?

"How has my life been ruined by someone so stupid?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hi, Mom.

"Hi, Mom."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Xanthippe, you look tired.

"Xanthippe, you look tired."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

How are your BMs?

"How are your BMs?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mom, jeez.

"Mom, jeez."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, there's my answer.

"Well, there's my answer."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So are you all packed?

"So are you all packed?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Remember, it's colder here than it is in the city.

"Remember, it's colder here than it is in the city."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Do you have enough corduroy slacks

"Do you have enough corduroy slacks"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

with the little waterfowl stitched in them?

"with the little waterfowl stitched in them?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What? No.

"What? No."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The lawyer said I don't move until the end of the semester.

"The lawyer said I don't move until the end of the semester."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, but I'm going to be putting up my jams that week,

"Yes, but I'm going to be putting up my jams that week,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

so I'm coming to get you tomorrow.

"so I'm coming to get you tomorrow."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What? No.

"What? No."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, you can't do that.

"No, you can't do that."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My God, Xanthippe.

"My God, Xanthippe."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The histrionics are not going to fly in this house,

"The histrionics are not going to fly in this house,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

especially around the quintuplets.

"especially around the quintuplets."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And Roger has taken up

"And Roger has taken up"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

mental golfing where he uses his mind

"mental golfing where he uses his mind"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to play some of the world's most famous courses.

"to play some of the world's most famous courses."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So I really hope we're getting

"So I really hope we're getting"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the nice quiet Xan,

"the nice quiet Xan,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

the one we knew before she invented teen angst.

"the one we knew before she invented teen angst."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Helene, please!

"Helene, please!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm playing St. Andrews, and it's very windy.

"I'm playing St. Andrews, and it's very windy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

This is BS.

"This is BS."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The only BS around here is butternut squash,

"The only BS around here is butternut squash,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

one of the dozens of varieties of squash I grow.

"one of the dozens of varieties of squash I grow."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I hope you like squash.

"I hope you like squash."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Also, tomorrow we're playing squash

"Also, tomorrow we're playing squash"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

against the Squashes.

"against the Squashes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

See you then.

"See you then."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I can't live there.

"I can't live there."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I just need to talk to my father.

"I just need to talk to my father."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He can't say no to his Daddy's Girl.

"He can't say no to his Daddy's Girl."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, see, that sounds like a thing.

"Oh, see, that sounds like a thing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But he's at his Captain Phillips fantasy camp until Monday.

"But he's at his Captain Phillips fantasy camp until Monday."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I need to stall.

"I need to stall."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You! You have to help me.

"You! You have to help me."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Uh, no. This is none of my beeswax.

"Uh, no. This is none of my beeswax."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I don't want to interfere.

"I don't want to interfere."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kimmy, put yourself in my shoes.

"Kimmy, put yourself in my shoes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, my God! Not literally.

"Oh, my God! Not literally."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's like talking to a chicken.

"It's like talking to a chicken."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Imagine you're 15,

"Imagine you're 15,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and one day your whole life gets taken from you:

"and one day your whole life gets taken from you:"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

your school, your friends,

"your school, your friends,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

your dad's friend who buys you jewelry

"your dad's friend who buys you jewelry"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

if you send him your old retainers.

"if you send him your old retainers."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay, Xan. What are we gonna do?

"Okay, Xan. What are we gonna do?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We're gonna make my mom refuse

"We're gonna make my mom refuse"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to take me back to Connecticut.

"to take me back to Connecticut."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Show more clips