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Clips from NewsRadio - Boston (S05E05)

To the radio listener,

"To the radio listener,"

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we are gods.

"we are gods."

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Well, not yet.

"Well, not yet."

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Not until we have eradicated the sibilant S.

"Not until we have eradicated the sibilant S."

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[SIGHS]

"[SIGHS]"

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Now...

"Now..."

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répétez. Répétez.

"répétez. Répétez."

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[LAUGHS]

"[LAUGHS]"

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Don't-- Don't say "répétez".

"Don't-- Don't say "répétez"."

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It's a French word for "do it again".

"It's a French word for "do it again"."

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Do what again?

"Do what again?"

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Some centaurs saw a saucer. Good.

"Some centaurs saw a saucer. Good."

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Often, more often than I ever imagined,

"Often, more often than I ever imagined,"

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we have to put aside intellectual reasoning

"we have to put aside intellectual reasoning"

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and follow our hearts.

"and follow our hearts."

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Now, w-when I say "follow your heart",

"Now, w-when I say "follow your heart","

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Hello, Wisconsin.

"Hello, Wisconsin."

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Hey, this is my boss

"Hey, this is my boss"

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Do you have words of advice

"Do you have words of advice"

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for the leaders of tomorrow, sir?

"for the leaders of tomorrow, sir?"

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Yeah, always use a condom.

"Yeah, always use a condom."

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And if-- If-- If you're too embarrassed

"And if-- If-- If you're too embarrassed"

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just-- Just you shoplift 'em. It's easy.

"just-- Just you shoplift 'em. It's easy."

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Thank you, sir. Now I have to start again.

"Thank you, sir. Now I have to start again."

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Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right.

"Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right."

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What were you telling them about following your heart?

"What were you telling them about following your heart?"

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through every decision--

"through every decision--"

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Yeah, I got you. Did I ever tell you about Margie?

"Yeah, I got you. Did I ever tell you about Margie?"

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Marg-- I don't think so.

"Marg-- I don't think so."

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Man, oh, Manishevitz, did I love that girl.

"Man, oh, Manishevitz, did I love that girl."

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Uh-huh. Yeah, but after we graduated,

"Uh-huh. Yeah, but after we graduated,"

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she went off to college up in Oregon

"she went off to college up in Oregon"

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and I didn't wanna quit my job.

"and I didn't wanna quit my job."

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I stayed in Florida. We said we'd write.

"I stayed in Florida. We said we'd write."

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But then you sorta lost touch and you always wondered

"But then you sorta lost touch and you always wondered"

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Oh, no, Dave, I-- I-- I did follow my heart.

"Oh, no, Dave, I-- I-- I did follow my heart."

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Yeah. And then it all just went to hell.

"Yeah. And then it all just went to hell."

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I mean, I didn't have a job.

"I mean, I didn't have a job."

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The campus police busted her for stealing trays.

"The campus police busted her for stealing trays."

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She blamed me. I, of course, joined the Army

"She blamed me. I, of course, joined the Army"

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to get back at her.

"to get back at her."

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Then I spent the next two years,

"Then I spent the next two years,"

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Yeah, yeah, but-- But if you hadn't followed your heart

"Yeah, yeah, but-- But if you hadn't followed your heart"

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you would have always been left wondering what might have been.

"you would have always been left wondering what might have been."

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Uh, l-let's see, lovelorn fry cook in Ocala, Florida

"Uh, l-let's see, lovelorn fry cook in Ocala, Florida"

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or bitterly depressed human target in Cam Ranh Bay?

"or bitterly depressed human target in Cam Ranh Bay?"

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Okay, sir, so you had a bit of a tough break there.

"Okay, sir, so you had a bit of a tough break there."

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But the principle-- Tough break.

"But the principle-- Tough break."

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You tell them-- You tell them to follow your head, all right?

"You tell them-- You tell them to follow your head, all right?"

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You follow your head.

"You follow your head."

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Because if your heart starts talking

"Because if your heart starts talking"

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y-you just make your head tell it to shut the hell up!

"y-you just make your head tell it to shut the hell up!"

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I can't believe that you made me all upset here.

"I can't believe that you made me all upset here."

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Well, sir, I-- I-- I-- I-- I didn't. Sir, sir.

"Well, sir, I-- I-- I-- I-- I didn't. Sir, sir."

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I really didn't--

"I really didn't--"

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What?

"What?"

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You want me to-- You want me to take you off the air.

"You want me to-- You want me to take you off the air."

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Why? Why? [MOUTHED SPEECH]

"Why? Why? [MOUTHED SPEECH]"

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Oh, eh, the strep throat again? Oh, Beth?

"Oh, eh, the strep throat again? Oh, Beth?"

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Dave, I just put my shoe back on.

"Dave, I just put my shoe back on."

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Well, uh...

"Well, uh..."

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So, what's, uh, the problem, huh?

"So, what's, uh, the problem, huh?"

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serving scrod to those jerks from Harvard.

"serving scrod to those jerks from Harvard."

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Hey, the sibilant S is gone.

"Hey, the sibilant S is gone."

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Am I a miracle worker or what?

"Am I a miracle worker or what?"

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Up yours, you loser.

"Up yours, you loser."

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[♪]

"[♪]"

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DAVE: Thanks, Beth,

"DAVE: Thanks, Beth,"

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but I've really heard enough really depressing

"but I've really heard enough really depressing"

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Dave, it's not depressing, it's uplifting.

"Dave, it's not depressing, it's uplifting."

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And it's for the kids.

"And it's for the kids."

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Right. And my parents decided I should go to private school,

"Right. And my parents decided I should go to private school,"

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so I got the whole uniform.

"so I got the whole uniform."

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You know, the plaid skirt and the white tights? Yeah.

"You know, the plaid skirt and the white tights? Yeah."

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So I show up on the first day,

"So I show up on the first day,"

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and I'm the only person wearing a uniform.

"and I'm the only person wearing a uniform."

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Turns out this particular school

"Turns out this particular school"

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does not require uniforms.

"does not require uniforms."

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Oh, God, please stop.

"Oh, God, please stop."

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And I just wanted to cry, you know?

"And I just wanted to cry, you know?"

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I felt like crying, but I didn't.

"I felt like crying, but I didn't."

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I just went along with them and laughed,

"I just went along with them and laughed,"

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like it was some big joke, you know?

"like it was some big joke, you know?"

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And then the next day, I wore the uniform.

"And then the next day, I wore the uniform."

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And that became my "thing."

"And that became my "thing.""

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The girl who wears the wacky outfits. Ha-ha-ha!

"The girl who wears the wacky outfits. Ha-ha-ha!"

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Well, yes, Dave. Because once you start, you can't stop.

"Well, yes, Dave. Because once you start, you can't stop."

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Or people will think you're chickening out.

"Or people will think you're chickening out."

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Then 19 years go by and you're a grown woman

"Then 19 years go by and you're a grown woman"

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who dresses like a... [GROANS]

"who dresses like a... [GROANS]"

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I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to look like anymore.

"I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to look like anymore."

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I mean, you know?

"I mean, you know?"

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Thanks. That was uplifting.

"Thanks. That was uplifting."

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Tell the kids, Dave.

"Tell the kids, Dave."

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Conform. Don't stick out.

"Conform. Don't stick out."

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Fit in.

"Fit in."

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Go along with the crowd, okay? Mm-hmm.

"Go along with the crowd, okay? Mm-hmm."

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No one should have to end up like this, Dave.

"No one should have to end up like this, Dave."

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Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh."

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[♪]

"[♪]"

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I think this one sticks a little bit.

"I think this one sticks a little bit."

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Joe, there is nothing wrong with my drawer.

"Joe, there is nothing wrong with my drawer."

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Maybe it's this one here. There's nothing wrong with it.

"Maybe it's this one here. There's nothing wrong with it."

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Oh, my God, uh, what is that on your desk?

"Oh, my God, uh, what is that on your desk?"

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Oh, Lisa, what's this I found on your desk?

"Oh, Lisa, what's this I found on your desk?"

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It's a pencil.

"It's a pencil."

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That's what I said.

"That's what I said."

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Yeah, right.

"Yeah, right."

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Dave, tell them to stop teasing me.

"Dave, tell them to stop teasing me."

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You tell them. It sounds funnier.

"You tell them. It sounds funnier."

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[GURGLES]

"[GURGLES]"

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Thank you.

"Thank you."

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So how's that old speechwriting coming along, huh?

"So how's that old speechwriting coming along, huh?"

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Thank you. Goodbye.

"Thank you. Goodbye."

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Are you sure? 'Cause I do have some advice for the wee ones.

"Are you sure? 'Cause I do have some advice for the wee ones."

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Please, no.

"Please, no."

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Because today your cohorts

"Because today your cohorts"

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have convinced me to tell the kids

"have convinced me to tell the kids"

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to fit in, give up, aim low,

"to fit in, give up, aim low,"

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and never, ever follow your heart.

"and never, ever follow your heart."

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