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Clips from 30 Rock - Jack Meets Dennis (S01E01)

"Exactly. You don't get to give dating advice. You sent a letter to Scott Peterson."
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"- Dennis is a good guy, OK? - Not really."
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"- So, when did this happen? - Well, last week was my birthday."
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"And everyone forgot except Dennis."
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"He called, and we went out, and it wasn't too weird."
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"And how was the sex?"
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"Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect."
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"They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!"
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""Normal.""
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"when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks."
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"And I don't even know whose dog that is. Yes, I steal dogs."
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"What is the problem?"
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"I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring."
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"If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star."
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"Well, my armpit rash is back."
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"- Jack, what are you doing in wardrobe? - The audience doesn't like green."
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"Oh, that's too bad. I like green."
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"Research doesn't lie, Jenna. It lets us know what we're thinking..."
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"What's too old?"
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"- Good question. How old are you? - I'm 29."
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"- What year were you born? - 1977."
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"- When did you graduate high school? - '94."
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"- When do you turn 40? - 2017."
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"- Junior high crush? - Kirk Cameron."
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"- Prom theme? - "Motownphilly," Boyz II Men."
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"- What movie did you lose your virginity at? - "Arachnophobia.""
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"What's a drive-in?"
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"I can tell just from your physical appearance that you're obviously..."
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"29."
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"So, these page numbers, when done correctly, should be sequential."
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"Oh. Oh, Josh, Liz Taylor's assistant called."
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"They wanted the address here to send you something."
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"That's awesome! She must have seen my impression of her."
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"- Sounds like someone loves Liz Taylor. - I do."
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"No, we mean love love."
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"Like if she walked in right now and said she wanted to do it with you, you would."
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"- I definitely would. - What?"
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"Uh, Jack asked me how old I am."
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"- What did you say? - 29."
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"- Jenna, relax. - I cannot and will not relax, Liz."
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"I am an actress, and when someone asks an actress how old she is,"
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"it's more statement than question."
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"When my mom's feeling old, she goes to this guy on 71st Street."
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"But she's old. She's like 38."
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"I'm gonna be sick."
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"Betcha he reads"
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"Betcha she sews"
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"the fact that a woman of your resources and position lives like some boxcar hobo."
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"Or maybe it's the fact that while I'm saying all this,"
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"This is the unlisted number of Stone,"
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"the most exclusive restaurant in the city, currently."
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"I think it's time that you start"
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"enjoying some of the finer things in life."
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"Completely unsolicited and inappropriate."
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"Do you know why Jack Welch is the greatest leader since the Pharaohs?"
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"Because he didn't only involve himself in our work lives,"
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"but our personal lives as well."
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"He introduced us to the finest booze,"
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"the most restrictive country clubs."
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"and our Senate hearings."
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"This is a perfect example. You have a million-dollar view."
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"But you refuse to acknowledge that there's a whole world out there."
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"Oh, my."
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"Yeah, I know. That's why I closed the blinds in the first place."
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"Right in his office."
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"Lemon, I like to think of myself as a winner, and I like to surround myself with winners."
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"I see potential in you. Let me be your Jack Welch."
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"Let me be your mentor."
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"You've got to admire his persistence and stamina, though."
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"Arn I wrong, or is he in the middle of a staff meeting?"
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"He's got it all figured out."
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"Mistress or daughter?"
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"- Oh, my God. I hope it's his daughter. - Yeah. Me too."
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"Oh, my God! I hope it's his mistress."
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"Oh, that is just wrong."
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"Hey, 007, how about some more rolls over here, huh?"
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"Oh, my, my. What a pleasant surprise."
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"- And this is my friend Anastasia. - How are you?"
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"- The Beeper King. Really? - Dennis has his own business."
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"Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful."
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"You probably see my ads on the 7 train, right?"
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"It's cod. They made it special."
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"Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know?"
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"- That's a sharp tie you've got there. - That douche bag up front made me wear it."
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"- Does he know you're the Beeper King? - I don't think so."
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"Oh, hold on a second. This place ain't that nice, all right?"
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"It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant."
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"No rat talk tonight, OK?"
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"You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it."
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"I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made."
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"Stop it."
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"And that former call girl went on to become one of NBC's biggest news anchors."
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"Star coming. Wall hug, everybody."
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"That's Tracy Jordan!"
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"He seems like such a nice, normal young man."
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"I enjoyed the restaurant. Thank you."
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"Just say it. Just say what you're dying to say."
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"Dennis is nice to me, OK? He fixed my toilet."
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"He broke it first, but he fixed it."
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"And he loves hockey, and I'm... figuring it out."
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"And it's easy. I get a lot of work done."
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"I don't have time for a personal life, OK?"
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"I can't just go to Central Park and join the singles' touch-football league."
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"Like I'd want to, anyway."
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"People on those posters always laughing in their sweaters."
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"God, who are they fooling?"
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"OK, you're not gonna say anything to me because I rejected you as a mentor?"
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"Who cares? I have a lot of friends I can talk to about my life."
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"The bottom line is, Dennis is my boyfriend because he inquired."
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"He was the only applicant. And I am not..."
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"Come in."
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"Hey, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you about..."
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"- What did you do to yourself? - Me? Oh, nothing."
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"Really? This water... does someone boil it first and throw it in your face?"
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"OK, I had a little Botox and some collagen"
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"and a chemical peel and something with shark DNA."
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"Admit it. I look ten years younger."
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"No, younger even. You look like a foetus."
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"I came here to talk to you about my problems with Dennis."
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"Oh, I can't right now, honey."
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