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Clips from Three's Company - Jack's Uncle (S02E02)

"And you know what they say, Jack?"
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"Stone walls do not a prison make,"
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"but a lovely woman's money is very hard to shake."
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"Why don't you kids just nip off to the beach while I unpack."
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"Well, Uncle Fremont, I'm afraid you can't stay here."
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"There's not much room. Of course he can. What about the sofa?"
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"It's very uncomfortable. You'll get used to it."
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"Wonderful. Where's your kitchen? It's right through there."
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"Terrific. Now, while you kids are having fun,"
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"I'll get dinner ready."
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"[ Sighs ] Oh, Jack, Jack."
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"Oh, Jack, I just love your uncle."
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"He's so full of charm and personality."
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"Really? Wow, who else has got it?"
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"[ Gasps ]"
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"I don't want it to seem like I'm putting my uncle down. I love him. He's a great guy."
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"But there are a couple of things I think you ought to know about him."
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"Like what?"
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"Well, he has a habit of giving people gifts he can't afford."
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"Then how does he pay for them? By checks."
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"Checks for jewelry, for automobiles."
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"- Those are good gifts. - I wish I could say the same for the checks."
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"Oh. [ Doorbell Ringing ]"
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"Oh, no, that's Mr. Roper!"
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"Chrissy, calm down. Don't panic until you know who it is. Okay."
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"Now you can panic. Oh, no."
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"We'll just put this in your room, Jack. Come on. Uh..."
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"[ Mr. Roper ] Open up, Jack. I know you're in there."
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"I recognized your eye."
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"I want my rent. Oh, Stanley, where are your manners?"
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"When you walk in a room, you say hello first."
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"Hello! I want my rent!"
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"Don't you ever think of anything but money?"
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"Listen, I hate it when I expect something at a certain time and I don't get it."
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"I know the feeling."
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"Mr. Roper, I promise, you'll get your rent very soon."
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"What do you kids do with all your money?"
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"Well, most of it probably goes in their Swiss bank accounts."
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"They don't have any expenses. When the girls"
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"go out, their boyfriends pay for everything."
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"Well, what about Jack?"
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"Same thing."
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"Mr. Roper, I'd like you to meet my uncle. What?"
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"He's visiting us from San Diego."
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"Uncle Fremont? Your kitchen is absolutely charming, dear boy!"
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"Uncle Fremont, I'd like you to meet Mr. Roper. He's our landlord."
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"He's one of the nicest men you could ever meet. Really?"
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"Coming from Jack, that really means something."
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"What? You know, I'm proud of that boy."
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"He's turned out just the way I'd hoped."
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"He has? Yes."
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"His father's the same way, you know."
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"He is? Yeah."
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"I didn't think that sort of thing ran in families."
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"It's in the blood. You can't escape it."
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"You mean his type can get married?"
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"Well, happens all the time."
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"Jack's father's happily married, but that doesn't stop him from having fun."
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"And his wife doesn't mind?"
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"Not really. She expected that kind of thing."
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"When they got married, she knew he was a man's man, if you know what I mean."
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"- Let's get out of here while we still can. - Hold it!"
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"[ Gasps ]"
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"I want my rent and I want it now."
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"Does everybody like pork chops?"
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"Why, this building is a miracle..."
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"Just one beautiful woman after another."
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"Uncle Fremont, this is Mrs. Roper. I'm enchanted."
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"He sure is."
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"Mr. Roper. Mr. Roper, here's $200, and I will have my share of the rent very soon."
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"- That's not good enough. I want it all! - Just a minute."
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"Am I to understand that all you need is Jack's share of the rent?"
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"That's right... $100."
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"Well, that seems little enough. Oh, no. No. Uncle Fremont?"
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"One hundred dollars... No, no. No check. No, please."
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"And no cents."
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"Well, now we can go to the beach. Get dressed."
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"Why? I have to talk to my uncle."
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"Can't you talk to your uncle in my bathing suit?"
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"I'll explain it to you while we get dressed, okay?"
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"Uncle Fremont, you did it again. That was a bum check, right?"
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"It got you out of the hole, didn't it?"
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"But what happens when Mr. Roper tries to cash it Monday morning?"
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"Don't worry about me, dear boy. By that time, I'll be long gone."
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"But we'll still be here."
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"And when he finds out it's a bum check, he'll"
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"have a perfect excuse for throwing us out."
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"I was only trying to help. Well, you didn't!"
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"We're in more trouble than we were before. Thank you."
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"Well, I guess I... I just didn't think that far ahead."
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"Maybe I am getting old."
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"Well, I'll just get my valise. Wait, Uncle Fremont."
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"Where you gonna go?"
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"Well, there's always Mona."
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"You remember? The lady who called earlier. She's very well-endowed."
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"When you get to be her age, that means you have money."
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"But I thought you didn't like her. You didn't even wanna talk to her on the phone."
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"Well, I've been thinking about it. It's not so bad."
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"I'll have a comfortable home, a generous allowance,"
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"I'll be taken to... fashion shows,"
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"bridge parties, charity balls."
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"Mona loves to make an entrance with something decorative on her arm."
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"Well, then she ought to get herself a tattoo."
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"It'll be a splendid life."
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"Just think. I'll never have to worry about..."
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"having fun again."
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"Oh, that poor man."
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"Gee whiz, Jack. What did you say to him?"
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"I sort of laid into him and told him he acted stupid."
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"That is so cruel. All he did was pass a bad check,"
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"and you act like it was some sort of crime."
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"Okay, so what are we gonna do?"
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"Well, if only we could get that check back."
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"Well, there's a way to fix that."
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"- Will you stay out of this? - Jack, he's only trying to help."
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"Right, with another phony check."
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"No, this is strictly on the up-and-up."
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"Now, now, here is my plan."
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"I will invite the Ropers up here for a drink and..."
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"By the way, do any of you know where Mr. Roper keeps his checks?"
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