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Clips from Modern Family - Fifteen Percent (S01E01)

"Because I care about people."
Modern Family
"Jay, I'm hinting that you should call your friend, okay?"
Modern Family
"Yes. I'm getting that. Okay, okay."
Modern Family
"Hey, hey! Daddy in the hizzouse!"
Modern Family
"[Crunches]"
Modern Family
"Why would you do that to a brand-new, very expensive remote?"
Modern Family
"Because I lost my temper, and it didn't work. Therefore, it's useless."
Modern Family
"Well, honey, when it comes to anything electronic,"
Modern Family
"you're not exactly the best student."
Modern Family
"I had a 4.0 in college. How about you?"
Modern Family
"I was almost that despite my substantial time commitment to cheerleading."
Modern Family
"I thought we agreed not to bring up the cheerleading."
Modern Family
"Cheerleading in my college was cool."
Modern Family
"The football players were so jealous, they wouldn't even let me and my buddies-"
Modern Family
"Trevor, Scotty and Ling- go to their parties."
Modern Family
"Seriously, Claire,"
Modern Family
"you owe me an apology for breaking that."
Modern Family
"Okay. Phil, I apologize for breaking the world's worst remote..."
Modern Family
"that you bought... stupidly."
Modern Family
"They gave it three and a half mice."
Modern Family
"Wow. I have an idea. Let's invite the gang from CNET over..."
Modern Family
"Ling is not a nerd. He built his own helicopter."
Modern Family
"And if he was alive today- Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling."
Modern Family
"You know what I'm gonna do? Hmm?"
Modern Family
"I'm gonna buy a new remote- the same remote."
Modern Family
"And just to prove how wrong you are,"
Modern Family
"I'm gonna teach our dumbest kid how to use it in 20 minutes or less."
Modern Family
"Luke? No, Luke understands electronics."
Modern Family
"Haley."
Modern Family
"No. Yeah, Haley."
Modern Family
"Teach Haley to use the remote, and then I'll apologize."
Modern Family
"Haley? Mm-hmm."
Modern Family
"Come on!"
Modern Family
"Hey, Shorty, it's me."
Modern Family
"You want to join me? That's great, Jay. What should I wear?"
Modern Family
"I don't know. Wear- Wear whatever you want."
Modern Family
"What? The flowers."
Modern Family
"They look so much better! This is a disaster."
Modern Family
"You do know what "disaster" means, right?"
Modern Family
"You don't understand. I demanded that they come exchange them."
Modern Family
"- [Beeping, Whirring] - Cam, I heard you on the phone."
Modern Family
"You said you were displeased, but that's hardly going medieval."
Modern Family
"Excuse me. I said "very displeased." And I used my cowboy voice, so-"
Modern Family
"- What are you doing? - I'm microwaving them so they look bad again."
Modern Family
"Well, that seems a little crazy, doesn't it?"
Modern Family
"Relax. Just take them out. I'll get the door. He'll never know the difference."
Modern Family
"[Flowers Crackling]"
Modern Family
"- Yes. Come on in. He's over there with the flowers. - Hello."
Modern Family
"I don't know what happened. They just, uh, somehow lost their vigor."
Modern Family
"[Screaming] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"
Modern Family
"Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!"
Modern Family
"God, God! [Faucet Running]"
Modern Family
"Look at that. Two things flaming at once."
Modern Family
"Damn it!"
Modern Family
"You know what the problem is. What?"
Modern Family
"You're not moving your hips. They're frozen. Hips?"
Modern Family
"Yeah, your hips. They're frozen. Here, let me show you."
Modern Family
"No, it's okay. All right, Shorty. No, no. Don't fight me."
Modern Family
"Just bring the club back. Go ahead. All right?"
Modern Family
"You gotta open up the stance a little bit. Spread 'em. Spread 'em."
Modern Family
"That's it. If you don't relax, you're never gonna get that shaft where it belongs."
Modern Family
"Let's get a coffee. Sure."
Modern Family
"Now press the button labeled "Activities.""
Modern Family
"Where is that? It's just to the right. To the right."
Modern Family
"Honey, you gotta focus. We've only got 20 minutes."
Modern Family
"Pretend- Pretend the mall's closing."
Modern Family
"Dad, this is stupid. I watch TV on my computer. Why do I have to learn this?"
Modern Family
"Because your mom doesn't think you can."
Modern Family
"Nobody can. Haley, listen to me."
Modern Family
"Listen to me."
Modern Family
"I know this seems impossible."
Modern Family
"But this is for all those times that Mom told you she was right..."
Modern Family
"and you knew she was wrong."
Modern Family
"I'll do it. That's my girl."
Modern Family
"You know, that guy's got a beautiful stroke."
Modern Family
"Look at his pants- no pleats. I like pants like that."
Modern Family
"You think I can get away with something like that? Sure. Why not?"
Modern Family
"Listen, Shorty, uh, we know each other a long time, right?"
Modern Family
"What, 30 years? Yeah."
Modern Family
"And, um, I sense that you got a secret..."
Modern Family
"You heard something, right?"
Modern Family
"Well, I had the same situation with my son, Mitchell."
Modern Family
"Really? Yeah, and I didn't handle it too well either."
Modern Family
"And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me,"
Modern Family
"that I'm gonna do all I can to help you."
Modern Family
"[Exhales] Well, I mean I-"
Modern Family
"I never said this out loud before to anyone."
Modern Family
"But I guess, if I did, it would be you. [Chuckling]"
Modern Family
"I'm-"
Modern Family
"Go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead."
Modern Family
"I'm in debt. Huh?"
Modern Family
"I owe a bookie 20 G's, and he's a serious guy."
Modern Family
"And you offering to give me the dough- This is beautiful."
Modern Family
"Wait a minute. You're not gay? Gay?"
Modern Family
"What are you talkin' about- gay?"
Modern Family
"I'm not gay. Where'd you get gay?"
Modern Family
"Come on. I mean, you're always talking about clothes and everything, right?"
Modern Family
"My father was a tailor. I like clothes. So what?"
Modern Family
"Are you calling my father gay? No!"
Modern Family
"My father landed on Normandy to save your ass."
Modern Family
"You know, if you weren't lending me 20 G's,"
Modern Family
"I'd knock you out right now."
Modern Family
"Take a check?"
Modern Family
"Cash would be better."
Modern Family
"Let's do this."
Modern Family
"Turn on the TV."
Modern Family
"[Announcer] Angela says, after he colored her hair- Nice."
Modern Family
"It turned gray and then green. Mute it."
Modern Family
"[Remote Beeps] [Sound Off]"
Modern Family
"Un-mute it. [Beeps]"
Modern Family
"Sixty-five dollars."
Modern Family
"Um. [Remote Beeps]"
Modern Family
"- [Man On P.A., Indistinct] - Okay. Back to TV."
Modern Family
"- [Beeps] ...better than that."
Modern Family
"Face! Don't get all cocky, Phil."
Modern Family
"Let's see what happens to little Haley..."
Modern Family
"when I do... this."
Modern Family
"Ho, ho, ho. Ho! Face."
Modern Family
"Dad, wh- What do I do?"
Modern Family
"Don't panic. We went through this. Just- Just think."
Modern Family
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