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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows (2019) - Citizenship (S01E01)

"For five reasons and five reasons only:"
What We Do in the Shadows (2019)
"Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing."
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"The starting lineup for the 1992"
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"U.S. Olympic men's basketball team."
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"-The Dream Team, baby. -* I got the moves... *"
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"I call this my Dunk Zone."
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"They were merciless."
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"Conquerors of the court."
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"pledge my undying allegiance to their nation."
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"GUILLERMO: Well, what happened in 1992?"
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"Why didn't you complete the process?"
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"Probably because the Macarena swept the nation."
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"So... I didn't really have time for anything else."
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"Okay, every vampire has their own special power."
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"So, we need to work out what yours is,"
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"so you can trap and kill your first human meal."
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"I can fold my tongue like a taco."
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"What's that? Oh, no."
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"Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls."
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"I'd love to drink beer."
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"-Okay. -Bite your lip seductively."
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"(lip crunches)"
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"-Ow. -Okay."
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"Maybe seduction isn't your special power."
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"I am an excellent crawler."
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"-You can see. -Oh."
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"(quietly): Oh, she can do everything."
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"Come on, try it. Maybe you're a creepy crawler like me."
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"Darling, it's very easy,"
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"you just scratch up the wall."
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"(screams, grunts)"
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"-Oh, no, are you okay? -(groans)"
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"What the hell is going on?"
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"What's all this mess and what are you doing up there?"
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"Calm down, Laszlo. I was just teaching the little stupid baby"
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"vampire how to crawl."
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"-Who? -Jenna."
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"-Who's Jenna? -She's right there."
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"Oh, right, I didn't see you."
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"She should be in a bloody cage."
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"(gasps) Laszlo. (hisses)"
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"-(both hissing) -JENNA: That's a horrible thing to say."
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"Ah, see what you've done. Ruined her confidence. (hisses)"
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"-(door slams) -Damn. -Idiot. (hisses)"
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"GUILLERMO: Okay, just imagine we're at the Immigration office"
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"When and where were you born?"
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"Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262."
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"And where is that?"
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"Southern Iran."
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"Mm-hmm."
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"Maybe not mention Iran."
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"Why did you leave your country?"
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"How many times have you been married?"
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"-Just the once. -Okay."
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"-(knocking) -NADJA: Jenna,"
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"Laszlo is very sorry and he has something to say."
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"I say, little vampire,"
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"I'm very sorry for saying"
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"you should be kept in a cage."
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"All of my knowledge and the best of my abilities"
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"will turn you into"
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"the most impressive vampire there is."
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"-Really? -Absolutely."
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"Who is George Washington?"
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"I don't think that George Washington was actually..."
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"Yes."
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"-Hello, Nandor! -Hello."
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"Is that that virgin girl?"
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"Hi."
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"Is she a vampire now?"
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"Well, she's got fangs and the white pale face--"
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"it's a pretty major clue."
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"(sighs) Anyway, which one is better:"
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"alt-right or Antifa?"
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"I'm trying to decide which team to join..."
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"GUILLERMO: I just, uh, found out that Nadja has turned someone--"
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"someone so random, it's crazy, like, it's crazy--"
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"into a vampire."
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"(muffled shrieking)"
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"The transformation into a bat"
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"is probably the most important thing"
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"-a vampire can do. -NADJA: Yes."
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"-No, no, no. Don't do that. -Wait, what are you doing?"
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"If I'm gonna be a bat, then don't I have to get..."
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"nak... Where do my clothes go?"
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"Huh."
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"Um..."
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"let's not get bogged down in the details."
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"-Keep your clothes on for now. -Oh, okay."
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"Right."
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"there's no real skill to it at all."
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"I just shout "bat!""
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"Human form!"
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"(exhales)"
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"-(high-pitched screaming) -Oh. -Ooh."
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"NADJA: It's okay. Calm down and just stop screaming."
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"-Terrifying. -What the heck?"
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""We, the people...""
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"We, the people..."
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"-JENNA: Ow! -What was that?"
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"Sounded like someone threw a bag of garbage off the roof."
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"Well, go and investigate."
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"-Yep. Bag of garbage. -Uh, hi."
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"Is there any way you could let me back in?"
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"Yeah."
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"(quietly): You can figure it out on your own"
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"JENNA: Guillermo?"
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"I can hear you. Heightened senses."
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"NADJA: I just don't understand. Turning into a bat"
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"is the easiest thing for a vampire to do."
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"So, you know, maybe she doesn't have a special power."
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"So what? She's a below-average vampire."
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"for her first human meal."
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"full of hot idiots."
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"inside your house carnival, now."
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"Yeah, that's gonna be a "no.""
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"And you will respect women a lot more after this, okay?"
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"Okay."
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"(dramatic music playing)"
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"hypnotize my interviewer into giving me my citizenship."
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