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Clips from American Dad! - Joint Custody (S02E02)

"Not me. Can't do it anymore."
American Dad!
"I don't care if your deadbeat boyfriend lives in his van..."
American Dad!
"Unfortunately, it was my left glocknick. Didn't know the code."
American Dad!
"Can't tell how many people tried to pee on me that summer."
American Dad!
"Thanks. What do I owe you?"
American Dad!
"Eventually."
American Dad!
"- You crushed his van. - Why can't Jeff live with his family?"
American Dad!
"If I can't get to know Jeff face-to-face like a regular person..."
American Dad!
"...I'll build a relationship with him like fat people do: Through the Internet."
American Dad!
"Did I ever tell you about this choice burrito I had..."
American Dad!
"You don't marry Jeff and I won't bake a roofie cake..."
American Dad!
"Here, Mr. S. I wanted to give you my wedding dowry in advance:"
American Dad!
"Two ponchos and a flute that summons a leprechaun."
American Dad!
"You can only use it three times, so choose wisely."
American Dad!
"He got caught with 300 pounds of pot, but he skipped bail."
American Dad!
"This is perfect. If he goes to prison, he'll be out of my life forever."
American Dad!
"I just have to decide on the right look."
American Dad!
"Are you and your dad close?"
American Dad!
"Yeah, sure."
American Dad!
"- What the hell are you doing? - I'm taking my bounty back."
American Dad!
"You know it's awkward when I try to jog."
American Dad!
"- You're turning me in? - Look, kid..."
American Dad!
"Because I didn't think of it."
American Dad!
"Where is my leprechaun?"
American Dad!
"Just stay there. I'm coming to get you."
American Dad!
"You had a loose nail. And I don't believe you."
American Dad!
"Just let me spend one last night with my dad."
American Dad!
"I won't get to see him for a long time."
American Dad!
"I wanna memorize every line in his face..."
American Dad!
"Can you tell me the last place I used it?"
American Dad!
"Oh, hey. I thought you two went to find Jeff."
American Dad!
"So Dad, Stan's a friend of mine from Langley Falls."
American Dad!
"That's just the latest in a long list of achievements."
American Dad!
"What? There's nothing there."
American Dad!
"Someone has stolen all his awards. All of them."
American Dad!
"...and letter of commendation back on that wall."
American Dad!
"You just sit there and keep on making me proud."
American Dad!
"And I'm gonna collect the bounty. Tie him up."
American Dad!
"I got arthritis. I can't even tie my damn boots."
American Dad!
"You don't have arthritis."
American Dad!
"You're gonna help Jeff escape? So you're a good father after all."
American Dad!
"You know what Horse Renoir thinks? Horse Renoir thinks..."
American Dad!
"I'll try and hold it, but..."
American Dad!
"I'm going now. I'm sorry."
American Dad!
"I'm sorry."
American Dad!
"Why did you do that?"
American Dad!
"No problem. I'll just touch the battery."
American Dad!
"Must be the smoke inhalation. It's killing my eyes."
American Dad!
"You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?"
American Dad!
"Florida? We're in Florida? Man, I can't be in Florida!"
American Dad!
"We're gonna go down and convince them you're innocent."
American Dad!
"- Really? But how? - I'm your father. Trust me."
American Dad!
"I'm definitely getting lighter. I think I'm becoming immune to gravity."
American Dad!
"Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag?"
American Dad!
"Cheetah."
American Dad!
"Do you live here? Because I could live here."
American Dad!
"- That'll be... - And this."
American Dad!
"We can turn in Jeff."
American Dad!
"That shock changed him."
American Dad!
"I sensed something when I was working on him."
American Dad!
"- We gotta get out of here. - I can't just abandon Jeff."
American Dad!
"That's just it, Roger. I kind of do care."
American Dad!
"He's so upbeat and friendly, even though he has a terrible father."
American Dad!
"I guess, in a way, Jeff and I are kindred spirits."
American Dad!
"Did you see that? The Indian?"
American Dad!
"...and a bunch of wires."
American Dad!
"Steve, for the last time, you're not psychic!"
American Dad!
"Slow down, Stan. I can't keep up."
American Dad!
"Too late, Mr. Smith. My dad's in there right now, clearing my name."
American Dad!
"No, he's not, Jeff. He's turning you in to get the money."
American Dad!
"Oh, man. I'm Jeff."
American Dad!
"- I was wearing a wire. - Why were you wearing a wire?"
American Dad!
"Look, Jeff, I know what it's like to have a lousy dad..."
American Dad!
"I chose my mother. That set me back a bit."
American Dad!
"Well, there is someone I kind of look up to."
American Dad!
"- Oh, did you think I meant... - No. No."
American Dad!
"So we should get going."
American Dad!
"Wait. Are you too stoned to drive?"
American Dad!
"Morning, neighbor. Reading the newspaper, huh, Mr. S?"
American Dad!
"Too depressing. Bums my apex, man."
American Dad!
"...but not in front of my house."
American Dad!
"- Too bad. He's on public property. - He lives in his van? How bohemian."
American Dad!
"You know, I'm a little boho myself. I once pierced my glocknick."
American Dad!
"Well, the law says he can park out there as long as he wants."
American Dad!
"The law is on his side."
American Dad!
"If I wanna get rid of Jeff, I'll have to do something cunning and subtle."
American Dad!
"But don't you have to start charging eventually?"
American Dad!
"- What the hell are you doing? - You shave your chest?"
American Dad!
"What? No, it's for work. Get out of my shower!"
American Dad!
"He hasn't spoken to his dad in years. His mom ran away before he was born."
American Dad!
"How...? How could she do that?"
American Dad!
"- Like an alien. Put on a disguise. - I'm not gonna wear a disguise."
American Dad!
"- But you love disguises. - What? Where'd you get that idea?"
American Dad!
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
American Dad!
"I hate disguises. And I'd rather stay in the attic than wear your uniform."
American Dad!
"- Then stay in the attic. - It's my body!"
American Dad!
"The dude who makes them uses a syringe..."
American Dad!
"...to inject a squirt of sour cream into the centre of each bean."
American Dad!
"Ridiculous! You get pretty bad firehole, but it's totally worth it."
American Dad!
"- That's it! Get out! Get out of my house! - Stan."
American Dad!
"Look, Jeff is a part of my life, okay?"
American Dad!
"In fact, we might get married one day, so you might as well get used to him."
American Dad!
"Married? Oh, babe. Mr. S, you are so set. Wait right here."
American Dad!
"Look, honey, I'll make you a deal."
American Dad!
"Where's my hacksaw? I wanna kill Jeff with my hacksaw."
American Dad!
"Stan, there's an easier way to get rid of Jeff."
American Dad!
"What? I thought you wanted to be his friend."
American Dad!
"There's a bounty on his head in Florida."
American Dad!
"Plus I can use the reward money to buy some disguises."
American Dad!
"I don't know if you know this, but I love disguises."
American Dad!
"There's no way you can transport a criminal to Florida."
American Dad!
"Are you kidding? There's a rich tradition of alien bounty hunters."
American Dad!
"Which means it's time for another Roger fashion montage."
American Dad!
"Stan! Damn you and your one outfit!"
American Dad!
"Wow, I can't believe you're taking me to a baseball game."
American Dad!
"I know. I can't believe you believe that either."
American Dad!
"So you never told me. Who's playing in this baseball game, Dad?"
American Dad!
"I'm not your dad! You have your own dad."
American Dad!
"I got involved in a little trouble..."
American Dad!
"...and, well, if he found out, it would really disappoint him."
American Dad!
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