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Clips from The Office - The Convict (S03E03)

"All right."
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"Jim Halpert. I am so horny."
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"Oh, and I care, why?"
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"(WHISPERS) Angela?"
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"Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that."
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"Pam, the receptionist."
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"Pam, should I go for it?"
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"Absolutely, you should."
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"Just try to be cool. I am cool."
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"Tell me what is going on."
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"(SIGHS)"
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"Martin from Stamford was at one time in prison."
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"No! Be cool, be cool!"
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"And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German"
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"All righty, let's get started. What is she into?"
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"I know Pam pretty well."
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"I know the things that she likes, and just as important,"
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"Are you kidding? She..."
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"I started the main Frisbee Golf Club at Cornell where I went to college."
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"She loves hunting."
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"She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy."
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"Got it."
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"Also, do you speak pig Latin?"
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"Hey, Martin. How's it going?"
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"Hey, everybody, may I have your attention, please?"
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"I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin, here,"
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"has had some trouble with the law."
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"But I just want to declare publicly that I trust him completely"
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"and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb person, okay?"
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"As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust"
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"and I will show you a black man that I trust even more."
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"Pam, tell me a white person you trust."
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"My dad."
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"Danny Glover."
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"Yeah. Jonas Salk."
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"Oh, please. Colin Powell."
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"Hey, I've got one. Yeah."
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"Jesus. Apollo Creed."
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"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing?"
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"Who are you picturing? A black man?"
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"Wrong. That was a white woman."
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"Surprised? Well, shame on you."
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"So, you all wanna know what I was in for?"
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"No, that's not cool."
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"You don't have to tell them."
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"I really don't mind. It was stupid mistake."
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"I was working in finance and I got involved in some insider trading."
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"So, I spent a little time in the clink."
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"That is awesome."
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"it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day."
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"What was prison like?"
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"You got outdoors time?"
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"Two hours, every day."
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"Sometimes we'd play pick-up football games..."
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"Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?"
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"Yeah, some days I never go outside."
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"Well, we are running a business."
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"It's a little bit bigger than Michael's office,"
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"During the day our time's our own."
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"They had classes. I took some watercolor classes."
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"They have art classes? Yeah."
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"They did, taught by some Harvard Business School guys."
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"to do extraordinary things in business. Terrible things..."
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"It kinda sounds like prison's better than Dunder Mifflin."
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"Well, that's not true."
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"I would so rather be in prison."
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"Here, you want to play with this?"
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"You can't give paper clips to a baby."
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"He could swallow them. It's okay. I've got tons of them."
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"(BABBLING)"
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"Pam-a-lama-ding-dong."
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"we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes,"
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"smoke a few Macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around."
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"Shh."
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"I'll hit you back."
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"Wow. That was... Wow."
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"Okay! Listen up, everybody!"
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"You guys said that prison was better than this place."
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"So, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison."
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"Why don't we pump some iron? Anybody wanna pump up?"
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"What is that, like, five pounds?"
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"It's two-and-a-half."
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"I'm going back inside. Yeah, it is freaking cold out here."
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"Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about 27 minutes of rec time."
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"Oh, hey, man. Hey."
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"Did you have TV in the joint?"
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"Yeah, in the rec room."
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"Like a 10-inch black and white?"
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"This office is the American dream and they would rather be in the hole."
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"Oh, Andy."
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"Yeah? What? Quick question. Do you play the guitar?"
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"I play the banjo."
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"Hold on, let me think about that. Yes, that'll work."
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"(SINGING) You know I can, my man!"
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"Hey. Hey."
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"What is going on?"
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"I'm sending him to all the women in the office with just terrible information"
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"But... But what do I do?"
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"Just give me an assignment. Oh, you know what, though?"
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"All right, everybody, there has been a lot of name-calling against our office today,"
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"And none of us can say, "Boo," because none of us have ever been to prison."
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"Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet."
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"I'm Prison Mike!"
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"You know why they call me Prison Mike?"
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"Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?"
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"Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight."
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"I am here to scare you straight!"
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"In prison you are somebody's bitch."
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"Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap."
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"Michael, please."
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"So, not prison. And prison. It's 50-50. Both."
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"Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home"
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"and recharge your batteries and come back in the morning"
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"and be with your friends, having fun in the office."
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"What did you do, Prison Mike?"
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"I stole and I robbed"
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"Well, you were in prison, but..."
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"Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison?"
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"Gruel sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel."
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"Plus, you can eat your own hair."
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