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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Wellness Center (S03E03)

"- See ya. - Master. Master?"
What We Do in the Shadows
"I get his room."
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"Master, wait!"
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"As your official bodyguard,"
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"it's my duty to go with you everywhere--"
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"I am no longer your master!"
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"I hereby relieve you of your service."
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"What?"
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"It is time for me to find happiness."
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"Well, I want to find happiness, too!"
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"What do you think I've been doing for the last 11 years?"
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"Oh, boy. Here we go again with this shit."
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"Why do you think I've lived with you this whole time?"
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"Can you please..."
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"please turn me into a vampire before you leave?"
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"So that after all these years,"
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"you and I both, both can be happy."
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"[groans]"
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"Guillermo."
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"Despite my cold dead heart and your "just okay" personality,"
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"I've grown to have some affection for you."
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"- Just a little bit, but, you know... - And I for you, Mas--"
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"Well, obviously."
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"But vampirism is a curse,"
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"and I care for you too much"
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"to burden you with that."
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"It would weigh too heavily on my conscience."
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"Boop. There's that smile."
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"Once a vampire..."
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"tonight, I am only a man."
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"Dry your face."
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"You look like a pair of wet undies."
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"[armor rattling]"
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"As I can no longer fly,"
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"I will have a nice evening stroll to Jan's."
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"- Just a human man crossing the street. - C-Careful."
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"-[horn honks] -[grunts]"
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"Are you shitting me?!"
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"You can't just walk out into the street like that."
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"You have to look both ways."
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"That's literally rule number one of being human."
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"NANDOR: It's a bad start."
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"What the fuck am I gonna do with this?"
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"It's been about a month since... What's his name?"
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"Nandor! Come on, Laszlo."
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"Sorry. Uh, since he buggered off."
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"Nothing much has changed, though, to be honest."
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"One thing that has changed, which is such a relief,"
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"is you don't have this constant soundtrack"
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"of weeping in the house the whole time."
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"- We don't miss that, do we? - No."
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"So, I've moved into Nandor's room."
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"Uh, it's taken me awhile"
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"-to get my scent on everything. -[farting]"
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"Regular vampires have no gastric system."
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"Energy vampires do, to annoy those around them"
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"and mark their territory."
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"It's beginning to feel like home."
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"It's been kind of tough, honestly."
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"You know, I've known Nandor for a long time,"
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"and now he's not in my life anymore."
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"He didn't even leave an address or anything,"
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"[chuckles]: which is hurtful."
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"I mean, I guess know now how it feels."
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"All the times I left or quit."
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"I just never thought that..."
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"that he'd be the one, you know, to leave, so..."
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"I'm just sorry that we couldn't make him happy,"
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"and I hope he's happy now."
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"NANDOR: ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪"
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"♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"♪"
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"♪ Five days since you laughed at me, saying♪"
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"ALL: ♪ "Get your act together, come back and see me"♪"
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"♪ Three days since the living room♪"
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"♪ I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you♪"
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"♪ Yesterday, you'd forgiven me♪"
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"♪ But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry♪"
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"NANDOR: I love my life here."
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"I feel invigorated."
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"- More broccoli. - I forgot how exciting it was"
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"to live like a human."
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"♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes...♪"
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"JAN: Now, when doing your taxes,"
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"women, act like you don't understand."
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"Yes, Nandy?"
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"Yes, it seems to me that this Uncle Sam"
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"is bleeding us dry."
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"Maybe we should bleed him!"
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"No, no, no, no, no. We blow off steam"
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"with an IPA or maybe an evening bike ride."
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"All right, let's move on to how to tip."
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"NANDOR: Every moment is precious."
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"Come on, Nandy!"
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"We rip out our fangs every night."
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"[grunting]"
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"-[cheering] -[exhales]"
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"They always grow back in the morning."
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"But Jan says she's working on a way to make it permanent!"
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"[cheering, whooping]"
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"Because we are forbidden to use our vampiric powers"
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"or strength in any way,"
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"life is constantly surprising me."
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"I have lost 123 straight games of corn hole,"
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"and I have never felt more alive."
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"-[Jan cheering] I missed it! I missed it!"
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"JAN: Yes, Nandy. Very human."
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"NANDOR: Jan has taught me so much."
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"This is especially important for the women"
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"when you're an expert about something,"
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"and a man is explaining it to you."
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"Strained eyes but really big smile."
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"ALL: ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪"
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"♪ Dropped your arms to the sides and said, "I'm sorry"♪"
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"-♪ Five days since I...♪ - NANDOR: Who knew that living as a human"
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"would reignite the zeal for life I thought to be long dormant?"
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"-♪ Yesterday, you just smiled at me♪ - Make sure that Baby learns."
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"-[grunting] -♪ 'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry♪"
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"-♪ It'll still be two days...♪ - NANDOR: Jan is just so alive and electric."
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"She has changed my life."
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"Oh, yeah, we're fucking."
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