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Clips from Chappelle's Show - Episode #1.7 (S01E01)

"Who's coming for me?"
Chappelle's Show
"Stand up and see for yourself."
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"I can guide you out of there,"
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"Okay."
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"The cubicle across from you is empty."
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"Stay there."
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"When I tell you, go to the end of the hall."
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"Stay as low as you can."
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"There is a black man sitting at a desk directly to your right."
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"Look at him."
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"Psyche!"
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"It's Earl, nigga, I need your stapler."
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"Hello, dumb-dumb, do you know who this is?"
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"Dude, you totally got me."
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"Whoa..."
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"(laughing)"
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"We'll be right back with Chappelle's Show."
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"These rappers got their hands in everything."
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"You wanna send your little ones to the best schools,"
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"know that you've left them with peace of mind."
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"Cream, get the money, dollar-dollar bill, y'all."
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"That's why it's time to enter the 36 Chambers."
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"to devise the best plan for you and your fam."
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"I mean, Smith Barney..."
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"bunch of bitches."
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"Old-time farts."
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"You gotta know how to jack this shit."
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"You gotta play this game rough."
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"In, out, get, grab, bonk."
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"You need to diversify your bonds, nigga."
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"Military shit is blowin' up."
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"We about to go to war, invest in some nuclear bombs."
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"This ain't Trading Places, nigga."
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"All of our trusted consultants are here to meet your needs."
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"Unfortunately, the Ol' Dirty Bastard couldn't make it today,"
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"Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with."
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"Now, who could forget the timeless classic, Pretty Woman,"
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"that lucks up and meets a millionaire,"
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"and they fall in love?"
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"of Pretty Woman."
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"Parked cars at wrestling."
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"That's when I met Kit."
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"She was a hooker and made it sound so great."
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"and I promise we'll be right back"
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"The greatest show."
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"That happy nigga that's in that movie where"
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"He was throughout the whole movie."
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"He only got killed at the end..."
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"which I hated, I hated that movie"
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"'cause I hated him, and I hated everybody"
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"Black people are always worried about, like in Barbershop."
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"They better be worried about what they say in white films."
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"White films go all over the world."
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"'Cause I remember the Godfather,"
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"and I won't forget the..."
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"when they had the drug scene and they said,"
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"They shoulda had somethin' to say about that."
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"Black people wanna go to black dentists,"
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"and do black people wanna get buried by black..."
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"undertakers?"
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"That's funny, Stephen King."
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"He almost said, "nigger," I read between 'em."
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"I always thought dentists were dentists."
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"I wasn't into black and white dentists, please."
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"If they can fix the teeth, cool. If they can't, that's cool, too."
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"That's kind of a weird question,"
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"Having a horror man come on and ask a question about a nigger."
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"I wrote a script for Stephen King."
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"I have a Stephen King horror movie..."
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"We'll see how that scare people."
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"This next piece is a special report on some bad sex."
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"(announcer) And now a News Center 3 special report with Chuck Taylor."
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"Tonight's top story..."
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"Outrage throughout the community as yet another sex scandal"
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"Who is it this time, you ask?"
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"Many of them are coming forward with allegations"
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"and that the Jedi Council knew about it all along,"
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"Okay, we're getting word that council leader Yoda"
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"is having a press conference right now at Skywalker Ranch."
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"Yoda, isn't it true you knew of these abuses in 1977?"
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"Yoda, then how do explain the recently uncovered tape"
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"that seems to implicate you in the cover-up"
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"of Jedi boy touching?"
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"Yoda that was not."
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"Mickey Rooney, maybe?"
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"Okay, I'm being told now that Mace Windau, Yoda's replacement,"
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"We go live."
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"I would just like to say that this council has zero tolerance"
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"for any sexual deviancy regarding our Jedi knights."
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"(shouting)"
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"Mace, do you feel that the Jedis"
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"who committed these kind of crimes deserve to die?"
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"Yes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!"
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"News Center 3 has been covering this story for some time,"
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"and earlier today, I caught up with the former Jedi knight"
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"who first made these allegations."
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"My master said the force was strong in me..."
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"and gave me a wine cooler."
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"Then he made me wear a blindfold"
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"and reach into his pants to..."
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"Are you sighing, or are you just... breathing normally?"
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"Son, I know this is difficult for you, but..."
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"could you show me on the doll where he touched you?"
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"Point it out."
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"(breathing heavily)"
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"Can we cut tape?"
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"Miguel, you heard the man."
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"Cut the goddamn tape! Just cut it!"
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"I was just young and curious."
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"We may never know what really happened, but..."
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"people on the street have been reacting"
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"to this news all day."
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"A simple statement of protest from an angry young geek."
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"When we come back..."
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"gay droid marriage, should it be legalized?"
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"This queer couple says yes."
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"I'm out."
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"(cheers and applause)"
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"(horn honking)"
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"Hi, thank you."
Chappelle's Show
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