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Clips from New Girl - Control (S01E01)

"He's clearly new homeless."
New Girl
"Jess, you are wrong. Okay? My answer is no."
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"What you doing?"
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"- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?"
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"I'll remember this as long as... I'm all in. Uno bitches."
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"Thank you."
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"Which is weird. I remember saying, "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet.""
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"Caroline broke your little heart? - Okay, in 8th grade, you "accidentally"..."
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"full sit, no door, and I didn't break eye contact, not once."
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"Enjoy the ride. - Epsom salt?"
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"How about when you dressed up like Shia LeBeouf from Wall Street 2 for Halloween?"
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"Calvin."
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"- Lady Cecilia. - Schmidt, I'm gonna leave."
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"Here? You're dropping me off here?"
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"Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? Look at the size of that guy."
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"We're a mile away from the loft, Cece."
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"- I'm not getting caught with you. - I'm gonna have to run home."
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"And I have my slippiest loafers on."
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"Get walking right now. You're never gonna get home before dawn."
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"Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us."
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"But you cannot just call me at any time..."
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"and just summon me for intercourse."
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"I have no control here and I'm stressed out all day long. It's like you're ripping..."
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"the side block out of my mental Jenga."
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"I'm totally falling apart."
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"Okay, Schmidt, you... You really need to learn to take a breath..."
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"and calm down, all right?"
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"We're just being a little spontaneous."
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"Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt:"
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""Spontaneous, flexible, easy-going.""
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"- I'm like a Marine. - Nothing like a Marine."
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"I'm totally like a Marine. All right, you know what? Fine. I'm out of here."
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"Take these, and take care of them. I can get a tetanus shot..."
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"but I can't cure damaged suede."
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"You believe I found this on the street?"
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"- Who would want to throw this away? - A blind man who recovered his sight?"
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"Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft."
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"- The wood of poor people and outhouses. - I pay rent."
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"So I think that gives me the right to add a few things."
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"Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch."
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"I had a bad night. I'm just asking you, please don't push me."
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"I'll reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts."
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"- You would not dare. - Try me."
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"That was the worst four weeks of my life."
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"Hey, girl"
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"Hey, girl"
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"Where you going?"
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"- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?"
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"Winston, why are you still drinking? It is 10 in the morning."
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"Yeah. I know what it'll feel like when I stop..."
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"so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk forever."
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"Why is there no girl version of you, my man?"
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"Mm."
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"- Moving on. - So last night's poker game."
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"Got pretty intense."
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"What are you talking about? I was hammered last night."
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"I've never been more sober in my whole life."
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"Read them and weep."
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"- Straight flush. - Aw."
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"- What I owe you, 20 bucks? - Twenty bucks?"
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"- Yeah. - You owe me $487."
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"Come on, Winston."
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"I want to put one thing, one thing in the living room, and he won't let me."
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"- I'm not putting up with it. - Yes, you are."
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"We live in a fragile ecosystem."
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"- It's a delicate balance. - It's a broken ecosystem."
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"- Dominated by an apex predator. - Chill out. We let him run the house."
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"No big deal. The boy cooks and cleans. And happily, I might add."
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"He probably couldn't sleep last night, he was so excited to clean up after us."
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"I know he's been bad lately..."
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"but Schmidt's an odd bird. He can't handle it when things aren't clean and orderly."
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"It's been that way since the day he moved in."
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"Welcome to your new home, Schmidt."
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"Come on, play ball!"
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"Coming home!"
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"Well, I'm fed up with it."
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"And he's gotta learn how to relax."
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"And, Nick, why do you have cannons drawn all over your back?"
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"- Those aren't cannons, Jess. - Mushrooms?"
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"- Nope. - Oh, so that's not a mossy cave?"
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"- Mm-mm. - Probably not."
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"What the? What is happening?"
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"I can't take this right now."
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"What, do we live in a pawn shop?"
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"- Hey, Schmidt. - Hey, Jess."
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"What...? Where did all this come from?"
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"I found the afghan underneath a dumpster outside an animal shelter."
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"And I found the lamp underneath the afghan."
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"I'm gonna assume that these are your spices jammed in here with my spices."
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"I'd appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla was not touching my Tahitian vanilla."
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"Oh, Schmidt. They're more than touching."
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"What's it like living in the most populous isle in French Polynesia?"
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"I could tell you or I could show you."
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"- Not in front of the cloves. - Where's my burr coffee grinder?"
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"Uh, I think it's in the hutch."
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"You put it in the hutch? Uh... This thing was on the street."
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"It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. I think it'll be okay."
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"A top-of-the-line, conical burr coffee grinder."
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"You know what that means? It doesn't smash up the beans like a blade grinder."
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"It actually grinds them for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile."
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"Oh."
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"Well, I've used it repeatedly to make homemade crayons."
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"Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt?"
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"Yeah, that's fine."
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"If you're looking for your oven mitts they're in the top drawer of the hutch."
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"- Okay, fair enough. Hutch is gone. - No."
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"- No, no, no. No hutch. - No. No, no. Stop."
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"Bye, hutch. This makes me nauseous. - Don't move the hutch."
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"- This is my hutch, don't move it. - You're right, you're right. I'm so sorry."
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"You're right. It's a beautiful piece. It looks great there."
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"My apologies."
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"Shoot."
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"Schmidt, you have a real problem."
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"And you've gotta learn to calm down."
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"Yeah. Yeah."
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"I love the beach. Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch?"
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"Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet."
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"Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here."
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"This is a great place to talk about your problems."
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"- Jess, this sucks. I just want to go home. - Schmidt, come here."
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